<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Life Support: Poetry of Life and Death (Book 1) by yummysushipajamas</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29207484">Life Support: Poetry of Life and Death (Book 1)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/yummysushipajamas/pseuds/yummysushipajamas'>yummysushipajamas</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Poetry of Life and Death [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, Everybody Lives, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, Includes DLC Events, Interspecies Romance, Liara's unrequited feelings, Mass Effect 2, Nobody Dies, Paragon Shepard (Mass Effect), Renegade Shepard (Mass Effect), Romance, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Soldier/Colonist/Sole Survivor, Thane Krios Lives, Thane's POV, previous Kaiden relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:49:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>63,117</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29207484</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/yummysushipajamas/pseuds/yummysushipajamas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When drell assassin, Thane Krios, came aboard the Normandy, he had one intention: to seek a worthy death. He believed that Shepard had offered him that. He had been spending his final months reviewing his life—his past, his failures, his deeds. He had thought he had nothing left to live for.</p><p>He would find out that he was wrong, for he had just found someone who could give him—not death—but a reason to live.</p><p>-This story plays through the events of ME2, detailing the Thane/Shepard romance throughout, with the intention of becoming a two-part series which rewrites the events of ME3 and Thane’s fate.-</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Thane Krios/Female Shepard</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Poetry of Life and Death [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2144466</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>68</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Measure of an Individual</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story plays through the events of ME2, detailing the Thane/Shepard romance throughout, with added parts as I envision it. When it gets to the point of ME3, however… </p><p>I find I must rewrite Thane’s fate. Like others, I believe it should have gone differently. I’m not over it and refuse to accept it! SO! I will be doing some rewriting so that the relationship will continue, beyond the events of ME3. </p><p>There may be some drama and hardship, but just know going in that I’m not going to let anything truly awful happen. I’ll just say that. This story is a safe space for Thane lovers. </p><p>I’m writing this for my own emotional health, but I hope you enjoy it too!</p><p>This story by itself does not change Thane’s fate, but as it leads into the next story I plan to write, things will be different.</p><p>The point of this story is to illustrate their relationship, and how they find that they can take their masks off and be themselves around each other—despite how they make an unlikely pair. Two broken people learning to be honest and rely on each other for ‘Life Support’.</p><p>Sometimes funny and sweet, sometimes a little dark and angsty, and growing into something a little sexier. ;)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>The rain falls, rolls down my scales, soaks me. The hanar guides my young eyes, urges me to watch the movement beneath the wild blue waves of the Encompassing. Two forms thrashing, twirling in the waters. I perceive it to be graceful in the depths, a dance. They spin around each other. I can barely follow. Then, a red cloud rises, and only one form swims away.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This is the moment I understand death. When one takes a life, part of the other is taken away with them.</em>
</p><p>Thane opened his eyes to the stark, barren walls of the room, pulling himself out of the memory. He sat silently at the table, hands folded before him, the hum of the reactor steady and calming through the viewing window. The AI had promised him that Life Support would be warm, and indeed it was. This would be a fair place for him. The air was dry; good for his lungs.</p><p>
  <em>I could survive here if the gods will it. For a while.</em>
</p><p>He had previously settled himself, meticulously arranging his guns in a display case there—whether or not that was its true purpose. There was a table and two chairs, and room for a cot behind him. He had need of little else as far as possessions—no need for sentimental items of an irreversible past. He needed only his effects and what was practical for the extent of his stay on the Normandy. He would not be coming back.</p><p>Recently, he had been spending copious amounts of time reviewing his life. He had been thinking specifically of the things that had been his own choice, back when he had awakened from his battle sleep for the first time. <em>Her defiance, her loving embrace, feelings of continued forgiveness.</em> Then… <em>Their deaths at my hands. My choice. I must atone, even still. </em>But that was the past, and he had fallen asleep again. He could not say that he was fully awake now, but he was <em>stirred</em>.</p><p>Thane supposed he had <em>her</em> to thank.</p><p>His thoughts drifted to the one he had agreed to work for—the reason he was here.</p><p>
  <em>I drop from the vent, two steps and his neck snaps. I turn, a strike to the throat, crushing the windpipe. The next guard drops. I draw my gun, shooting the third before she can shoot me. Three guards down and my path is clear. The target is before me. I grip her arm, spin her. My gun against her stomach, angled toward her heart. A second to register her impending death. She tries to look at my face, and then, a single shot. She cries out. I hold her in my arms, lower her to the desk, our dance finished. The sounds of her last breaths forever imprinted upon my mind. I fold her hands across her chest, and then….</em>
</p><p>He had been well aware that there were others in the room. Three more of them. A turian, a salarian, and one in the middle, wearing a helmet which concealed her features. Obviously female by her shape. She was the leader, he knew, but he could not accurately guess her species. They stood near the door, waiting for him—or blocking his path.</p><p>Thane had gone into his prayers nonetheless. He had not believed that they would shoot him on the spot. He had heard them talking as they’d made their way through the building, and knew they sought him to have a conversation. Even if they lost patience with him and decided to act, it would have been a suitable end. Unexpected, and yet not, on this night.</p><p>He had decided to take his time, though curious about what they wanted with him. He had nothing to lose, after all.</p><p>She spoke, her voice clear in the stillness of the room. He remembered her first words, as he remembered <em>all</em> of her words, as clearly as if she were speaking to him now.</p><p>“I tore this place apart looking for you, assassin. We need to talk.”</p><p><em>Her voice even, low. A hint of irritation.</em> She was trying to sound tough. She could wait. He owed her nothing.</p><p>“A moment,” he’d said sharply. “Prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken.”</p><p>“I knew Nassana,” she countered. “I doubt she could be bothered to pray for herself. Why should you?”</p><p>He’d looked up at her, trying to meet her eyes through the helmet she wore. Perhaps she had been trying to find his as well, green orbs hidden in a sea of black.</p><p>“Not for her,” he corrected. “For <em>me</em>.”</p><p>He had presented himself to her with cold confidence. At that point, he had not yet decided whether he would have to act against her company, but he also did not yet know her truth.</p><p>Who was she behind the mask?</p><p>“Did you come here to stop me?” he asked. “You did not succeed.”</p><p>Even as he said it, he did not believe that had been her aim. What she wanted was something else—something specifically related to him. Had she come to seek retribution for a past contract? What did she intend? Why did she wish him dead? Of that, he was sure.</p><p>Thane had stepped in front of the turian’s gun, hands behind his back, looking into the opposing alien’s small blue eyes. He was not to be intimidated. If the turian shot him, so be it, but he had been feeling so indignant in that moment that he had already come up with three ways to turn the tide in his favor. He wouldn’t act unless he must, and he would not let on that he was in control.</p><p>“I don’t care about Nassana,” she said bluntly. “She was your target, and you killed her. Congratulations. You did what you came here to do. Now, you listen to me.”</p><p>He hadn’t liked her demands, but he understood that she felt the need for them. They did not know each other, and the reputation of his profession must have led her to believe certain things about him.</p><p>“Indeed,” he agreed. “You seemed content to distract her while I made my move. Interesting. You helped me get what I wanted so that I would be more agreeable?”</p><p>She crossed her arms. Taking offense?</p><p>“Gunfire and explosions. <em>Noisy,”</em> he went on pointedly. “I prefer to move in silence. If I have to engage guards, I have made a mistake. I rarely make mistakes.”</p><p>He had not felt guilty for his boast.</p><p>“You used us to your advantage the entire time,” she confirmed.</p><p>“Was that not your intention?” he asked. He’d kept his back to her, merely peering over his shoulder. “Nevertheless, I was curious to see how far you would go to find me. To the end, it seems.”</p><p>“I’m not sure I like that implication,” she said then. Thane could not care what she thought.</p><p>“I needed a diversion,” he shot back. He could hear the dislike in his own voice. “You needed to speak with me. Now what would you like to discuss? Though if we are to speak, I’d prefer to see the face of the one addressing me,” he said, though he did not even bother to face her. That was how much she troubled him.</p><p>Thane knew that if he had wished, he could have killed all of them—or at least come close, before they shot him down. He had been expecting to die that night, but the way she had made him feel in that moment pushed him to defy that. If she aimed to kill him, he would not perish as she wanted.</p><p>She stepped up to him, not too close, and finally she revealed herself. She took off her helmet, and long, unruly red hair had spilled out to frame a pale face. <em>Human</em>. He had suspected.</p><p>Thane, like other species in the galaxy, had a few opinions about the human race, and though she was flanked by a turian and salarian in the sunset-bathed penthouse, her method of approach left him with no choice but to hold to previous assumptions.</p><p>This human was like others he had observed. She made a lot of noise and asserted herself where she was not welcome.</p><p>Yet she was not unknown to him. Even he, who had been in his battle sleep for a decade, recognized the face of Commander Shepard—Alliance hero, first human Spectre, slayer of Saren and Sovereign. He had seen her face many times on screen. She was an icon to her race and to the galaxy. She needed no introduction.</p><p>To see her in person, however, was something entirely different.</p><p>She was tall, he felt, for a human female. She was almost exactly his height, and did not stand far below the turian in her company. Perhaps that helped her command respect among her race. Her coloring caught the eye, impossible to ignore. <em>Blood red hair against pale skin, flowing down her armor. Clear light eyes like cloudy heavens. </em>There was a webbing of slight red scars over the left side of her face. He was not sure what to make of that, but despite them, he guessed she was likely considered an attractive human. He couldn’t say for certain, but those with features such as she had were often revered among her race. Her face had symmetry. That, he supposed, he could appreciate as well.</p><p>But from what he recalled—and he knew he was right—she was supposed to be dead.</p><p>
  <em>And yet, so was I.</em>
</p><p>They had spoken then, yes, of many things, and he had discovered her purpose. She had invited him, though it was more of an insistence, to join her cause against the Collectors.</p><p>She had unknowingly appealed to his need for atonement—and his need to die.</p><p>After her impassioned plea, he had agreed to join her here on the Normandy, to aid her in her quest, with the expectation that taking the battle to the Collectors was a suicide mission. She had tried to say that she would prove that to be false, but he needed to believe otherwise.</p><p>
  <em>Death is calling. I need it to be. Kepral’s is not killing me swiftly enough. Kalahira, guide me to the sea.</em>
</p><p>But there was still a long road ahead. Disagree as they might, the human woman had been a force in his mind.</p><p>
  <em>And now?</em>
</p><p>He had not appreciated the way that she had approached him initially. His pride had triggered him to anger toward her, but now that he’d had time to reflect, he had reconsidered. He was only <em>alive</em> because of her. For better or worse, the gods had sent her into his path. Why? Had they taken pity on him, or were they simply pushing him in the way he should go? He had taken to meditation and prayer over the matter, but had come away with nothing. Thane knew he must give it time. The answers did not always come right away.</p><p>He had been on the Normandy for just over a day, and had observed her a few times as he’d been exploring the ship, but they hadn’t spoken again. She was always going to and fro, busily talking to others, and though Thane wondered what he would get when he finally got to speak to her, he found himself anxiously awaiting his turn. She would approach him when she was ready, he imagined.</p><p>
  <em>If only to test her. I must see who it is that I am working for. She told me what she intends to do, but now I must learn what she is about.</em>
</p><p>He remained at the table now, meditating on these things, breathing in the warm, dry air in Life Support. Most in his position might have sat facing the doorway, but he did not care for that. There was no need to be so aware, here. If someone had truly wished to come in and stab him in the back, so be it—though he doubted many were capable enough before he would come to awareness. For now, he remained, listening to the calming hum of the reactor as he continued to review his life.</p><p>
  <em>‘Which one do you think?’ she asks. She is holding both of the dresses against her body, one after another. They look much the same to me. I wonder why she doubts herself. She is beautiful, perfect in everything—or nothing. She doesn’t see herself like I see her.</em>
</p><p>Thane closed his eyes, hands clasped before him—and then a chime resounded, signaling that someone was at the door.</p><p>After a moment, he heard the entry slide open, for he had not locked it down. Couldn’t be bothered. If he had, perhaps Shepard would not come to see him.</p><p>He knew her by the sound of her footsteps, by the salty scent of her skin. She stopped several paces behind him, out of his sight, not too close. Was she cautious? He wondered. Now that she was alone and unarmed, did she fear him? Or was she simply being respectful of his space?</p><p>At that moment, he was not sure which he envisioned from her. She had contradicted his expectations before.</p><p>“Do you need something?” he asked flatly, not turning to face her, needing to prove that he was not too eager for her company.</p><p>“Have a few minutes to talk?” she asked. He was impressed that she had asked for his permission. It was a pleasant surprise in contrast to her demands during their last interaction. As long as she remained civil, he would as well.</p><p>“Certainly,” he said, letting his voice take on an amiable tone. “I’ve been hoping for the chance.”</p><p>There was a chair across from him at the table, but she did not approach it. She preferred to stand where she was, back behind him. If this was how she wished to converse, he did not bother himself to turn and face her.</p><p>“I wanted to ask you a few things,” she began, and soon they were discussing his illness first and foremost, whether or not he might spread it to the rest of the crew, or if he would fall limp in the middle of a mission. He gave her the information she desired, and assured her that his disease would not affect his work. She made few personal comments, and he found himself talking about the details of his impending death in a detached way. ‘<em>Kepral’s Syndrome. Our bodies cannot process oxygen.</em> <em>Eventually, we suffocate.’ </em>Once she was satisfied with that, she was content to move on to other things.</p><p>“I wanted to talk to you about your role here,” she said.</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>Shepard began to move again, passing the table and stepping into his field of vision. Out of her armor now, she was wearing a black and white uniform like the others on board the ship. Cerberus. He knew it now. Her long hair spilled around her shoulders. She moved toward the reactor window, her arms crossed before her as she peered out.</p><p>“As an assassin, I get that you’re more of a lone wolf. You’re used to working on your own terms. I need to know that’s not going to be a problem.”</p><p>A lone wolf? It was a human saying, but yes, he supposed that was accurate. He had always been responsible only for himself in his work, and he was certainly not used to working with a team. He had assumed that by recruiting him, she would have already taken that into account.</p><p>“Perhaps you should tell me the nature of what you require of me, Shepard.”</p><p>She turned to him from the window, though only partway, as he had been looking at her before.</p><p>“It’s not as if we’re prepared to go directly to the Omega 4 relay,” she told him. “There will be other things to deal with. It could be months before we’re ready. I may need you for small jobs, not one-target assassinations. I need to know that you’re capable of moving with a squad and taking orders.”</p><p>He felt a mild tremor of irritation rise into his throat, making his frill pulse once. Only once.</p><p>“It was my supposition that you recruited me because you understood my skillset.”</p><p>“I didn’t find you on my own,” she revealed. “You were recommended to me. I read the dossier, but I didn’t spend ceaseless hours pondering your psyche.”</p><p>“So you approach me as a target without even studying me?” He did not quite understand this. It was not at all how he would set out to do a job. To him, it was not how a professional would act.</p><p>“I get things done—”</p><p>“And ask questions later? Such as now?”</p><p>He was beginning to dislike this, <em>and </em>her. They were not at all alike. He had guessed as much when they had met in the penthouse, and now he was beginning to feel attacked. Thane could be civil, yes, but he would not tolerate disrespect either.</p><p>She turned to face him fully, arms still crossed. He truly looked her over then, and he found himself taking down new notes.</p><p>
  <em>There are marks on her face other than her scars. Small dots across her cheeks, splashed there without pattern. There are colorful designs down her right arm. Tattoos, hidden partially by her sleeve, stretching to her wrist. Though what they all are, I cannot say. Her mane, starkly red, rolls over her shoulder. She is thin, muscular. Her presence is domineering.</em>
</p><p>She might have gotten angry with him at his words, and he wondered if she might take on a demanding tone, to presume to tell him what he would and would not do, as if she <em>could</em>. He did not get what he anticipated, however.</p><p>“Tell me what you bring to the table,” she requested, “in your own words.”</p><p> He merely looked at her.</p><p>“I am what I am, Shepard. So if you read the report on me, you should know.”</p><p>Thane knew there was more to him than what she had likely read, but he had already put up walls against her. He should be thankful that she was asking, yet he could not bring himself to be just now.</p><p>“I want to hear it from your own mouth,” she returned.</p><p>“To what end, if you have already decided on your perception?”</p><p>He was being difficult, but something that he did not understand was pushing him to test her, to probe for her integrity, her grit.</p><p>“You should know that I don’t mean to underestimate you, Krios. I’m aware of what you’re capable of.”</p><p>“Are you?” He stared at her, eyes wide, meeting that challenge. She observed him as he observed her, arms crossed over her chest, peering into his eyes with inhibition. She spoke.</p><p>“You have exemplary gun skills and your hand-to-hand combat is unparalleled. You’re also a biotic. And, my guess, you’ve already decided exactly how to systematically kill everyone on this ship if you feel your hand is forced,” she assumed. “Am I wrong?”</p><p>The more she spoke, the more he guessed he was right about her. She thought she knew what he was capable of, how he thought, but she was only making assumptions based on the idea of what an assassin was, not who <em>he</em> was.</p><p>“Perhaps in the past I might have made such a plan, but there is no need for it now. I will be dead soon enough. Weak before that, and not a threat to anyone. However, if you decided that it was your wish for this entire ship to be dead, then I would see to it without hesitation or remorse.”</p><p>She started at him. She was good at hiding her emotions, but he saw the waver in her eyes, the lowering of her brow.</p><p>“That simple, is it?”</p><p>“My body is a weapon. A weapon does not choose to kill. The one who wields it does.”</p><p>“And you have given me the right to wield this weapon,” she confirmed. “I have your arm.”</p><p>“And every part of me that is capable of killing.”</p><p>She watched him, studying him now, in the moment, instead of beforehand. Maybe that was how she worked. She did not plan. She dove in and perceived the situation as it presented, adjusting as she must.</p><p>“<em>Is</em> every part of you capable of killing?” she asked.</p><p>He tilted his head, willing to play into that. “Nearly.”</p><p>
  <em>My hands are capable of stealing breath, drawing blood. My body works fluidly, transforming me into an agent of death. But not my soul. It is not spotless, but its intentions are pure.</em>
</p><p>But that was not something she needed to hear. This conversation had nothing to do with his spiritual side, and he did not have to confess to her. She did not need a sermon.</p><p> “So you will kill for me?” she said thoughtfully, never breaking her gaze. “All I have to do is say ‘go’.”</p><p>“Of course. Is that not why you recruited me?”</p><p>
  <em>Or do you still not know why you did?</em>
</p><p>She leaned back then, fixing her gaze anew, the flames of her hair illuminating her face like a burning halo.</p><p>“I recruited you because you are said to be the most skilled assassin in the galaxy.” There was an edge to her voice, but he bore the sharpness of it for the jolt of pride he gained. He would not argue with that assessment. “I recruited you because I need the <em>best</em>, the most skilled in very respect, for this mission. But I need more from you than just your skill. I need more than your arm. I need to know that you can play nice.”</p><p>“Don’t insult me, Shepard,” he warned. “You make assumptions based on my profession. I am no thug, but don’t mistake me for a common soldier. Yes, I work alone. I act without mercy. My target is my focus, and their death is my goal. I am a killer, and I feel nothing.”</p><p>He was trying to intimidate her, to show her that even though he would work for her, he would not be bullied. He still had his own thoughts, after all. It had taken him a long time to learn how to employ them, and he would not let go of that.</p><p>She appraised him once more, unmoved. Yet again, he had not appeared to make her angry. Was<em> he</em>? No. No… Once again, he felt nothing.</p><p>“I think there’s more to you than that, isn’t there?”</p><p><em>Hm?</em> He was caught off guard, his firm declaration slipping past him. Perhaps he had misinterpreted the tone of the conversation? He would have to replay it later, but for now, she had managed to twist him around her every word.</p><p>“You said as much when I met you,” she continued levelly. “‘<em>The measure of an individual cannot be determined by actions alone</em>’, or something like that.” She had said it exactly. “You protected those salarian workers from Nassana’s guards by locking them up.” She knew? “You said a prayer over a dead woman, asking forgiveness for <em>yourself</em>. You said you were concerned about the disappearance of the colonists, even though they are human—because they are innocent. You seem to genuinely care about stopping the Collectors—enough to do this mission pro-bono. The way you spoke of making the universe a brighter place sounds more like a <em>vigilante</em> than an assassin.”</p><p>He listened to her speaking of him, watched her. Perhaps he had been more standoffish than he should have—more aggressive. He blinked, his second set of eyelids flashing involuntarily.</p><p>“Whatever you are, and whatever you believe,” she went on, “I just need to know that you’re willing to do what needs to be done, not only for the sake of the mission, but for the sake of the <em>team</em>.”</p><p>Thane felt a bit foolish, but there was no need to dwell on it. His mind backtracked. Perhaps he had misused his own mantra. He had been taken aback by the idea that she had judged him, and yet he had judged her unfairly. There was no reason to be petty. He would correct.</p><p>“I apologize for the miscommunication, Shepard,” he said, and watched her eyes widen in surprise. “I work for you, and I will do my <em>best </em>work for you. I will…adapt.”</p><p>She studied him, and he bore her gaze.</p><p>“Good,” she said. He blinked, finding himself confused by her. She was…not what he expected after all. “I want you out in the field when the next opportunity arises. I want to see for myself how this will work.”</p><p>She had challenged him. He would accept.</p><p>“I will await your word, Shepard,” he agreed.</p><p>When she left him, Thane found himself playing through their conversation over and over. He engaged the photographic memory which was a hallmark of his species, growing more and more dismayed with himself for his emotional reaction to her, and his suppositions. He had not acted on emotion in a long time either. She was not what he had expected <em>at all</em>.</p><p>He decided that when next they spoke, things would be different.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. A Concept of Justice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>What is justice—the idea, the principle? What is innocence or guilt? Is it based on intent? On action? And who truly has the right to punish, aside from the gods?</em>
</p><p>Thane found himself once again lost in thought as he spent time alone, withdrawn from the others, thankful for every breath of warm, dry air that filled his lungs. Recent events had brought him to consider many things, but most strongly, it was a concept of justice that had him considering his life.</p><p>It had been ten years ago that he had embraced his own interpretation, and he had remained on that path until he had met Shepard. The Dantius contract had been no accident. It was not some coincidence that his target was a known criminal. Thane had once not given much thought to who he was asked to kill, but at a point, he had turned to his own decisions completely—whether or not there was a contract involved.</p><p>Shepard had called him a ‘<em>vigilante’</em>. Perhaps she was right.</p><p>Certain events had led him to it, but that was nothing he wished to recount just now. The truth was that even though he had never considered himself a murderer, he had embraced that role for justice. Some would have called it <em>revenge</em>. Perhaps it was both. He had prayed and repented for the lives he had chosen to take of his own volition, but whether or not he was wrong for doing so, he could not say for certain.</p><p>Perhaps this had only happened now that he was… <em>stirred</em>.</p><p>Calmly in meditation, he reflected on the recent events that had brought these considerations to him.</p><p>Shepard had not been slack in her promise to call him to a mission. It had been a matter of hours before she had requested his presence in the meeting room, where she had gone over the details of her intent—of which there were not so many. He was not surprised. Once again, he was certain that Shepard made things up as she went along.</p><p>Now, looking back, he found he could not fault her for that. There had not been much to know until they had found themselves in the thick of it.</p><p>The mission in question had taken Shepard, Thane, and Cerberus Operative, Jacob Taylor, to a spaceport under the jurisdiction of Illium. Shepard’s intention there had been to recruit an asari Justicar named Samara.</p><p>Thane had heard of the Justicars, though he had never come upon one himself. Their code was one of strict justice, and there was no room for personal feeling or thought where the code was concerned. Their law was rigid, and perhaps unforgiving.</p><p>Thane himself had killed many, and though he did not blame himself for most, he did not wish to know how Samara might have judged <em>him</em>.</p><p>There had been a murder in a back alley, a volus businessman. They had been given permission to enter the crime scene and speak to the Justicar. The detective had suggested that the murder had been professional, suspected mercenaries.</p><p>“This wasn’t your doing, right Krios?” Jacob had asked. Thane did not like the accusation or his tone, but he supposed it had not been an unfair question.</p><p>“No. Not my work,” he replied. “My operations did not extend this far.”</p><p>Taylor looked as though he might like to say something else, but Shepard was in no mood to wait.</p><p>“Let’s keep moving,” she urged them. She was in her armor, but not her helmet, her hair bound at her neck. Her helmet was partially collapsed at her side, in case she needed it.</p><p>Perhaps she had halted the spiral of their argument, but that had only been the first of Taylor’s vocalizations.</p><p>When they had reached the crime scene, the place had already been roped off by police, all evidence tagged and marked, and the body removed. There had not been much to look at, but Thane saw a few signs. This may have been a merc hit, as suspected, but it was not so professional.</p><p>“Have an opinion on this?” Shepard asked him, stepping close to observe—to see what he saw.</p><p>“Not the work of a professional,” he assessed. “Far too sloppy. It seems spontaneous—unplanned, unstudied. This was no assassin.”</p><p>“Guess sometimes it helps to have a murderer in our midst,” Jacob sneered.</p><p>Clearly the human had intended to pick a fight with him, and would not back down until he got the response he sought.</p><p>“More you wish to say?” Thane had asked, waiting patiently for the onslaught.</p><p>“Oh <em>noo</em>,” Taylor said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “I’m perfectly comfortable with you at my back.”</p><p>“Enough,” Shepard said sharply, and the operative backed down. “Can we be professional here?”</p><p>“Yes, Commander,” Taylor responded, snapping back, subdued.</p><p>Thane had always found that fascinating—the perceived power a higher-ranking soldier had over another. But that hierarchy only worked if they were all willing to accept it. He was not one of them.</p><p>Shepard led them along, seeming so certain of where she was going, even though Thane was sure she did not. Even so, her confidence inspired trust. His own trust was highly guarded, nearly impossible for him to dole out. He had rarely given it out to anyone in his life, especially beyond the hanar and his family. He had certainly not trusted anyone implicitly in a decade. Shepard did not have his trust either, but he had agreed to fight for her. He would follow her lead.</p><p>At the mention of mercenaries, Eclipse had been at the forefront of their minds. The detective had told them that every Eclipse merc had to commit a murder to earn her uniform. They were thrill-killers, ruthless—neck-deep in criminal activity. It hadn’t been long before they had gotten a taste of that themselves.</p><p>
  <em>Gunfire rings through the alleyway. I hear them whiz by like aggressive insects. Stay low, placing careful shots. I know their positions. It is instinct. I will not fall this day.</em>
</p><p>Moving with the team had been an adjustment for Thane, as Shepard had suspected it might be, but he kept pace behind Shepard, following her movements, and when she directed him, he saw to it immediately. He did not shoot unless she gave him the word.</p><p>When they had met the Justicar, she had proven to be as powerful as indicated, but not unreasonable. Thane respected that. She was likewise a graceful agent of death. He felt that he might understand her on a certain level.</p><p>
  <em>Biotic powers crackling, she whips the merc through the air. A shattering of glass. She floats to the ground and advances on her target, eyes cold and fixed. ‘Give me the name’, she says.</em>
</p><p>Samara had not cared so much about the murdered volus, as it turned out, but she was interested in the Eclipse mercenaries for another reason. They had recently smuggled a criminal—Samara’s true target—away from Illium on a ship. Samara merely wanted the name of that ship. She had agreed to go away with the police for a day—but <em>only</em> a day before she would consider her incarceration an impediment to justice, and therefore she would be forced to fight her way out. Samara had given Shepard the authority to investigate on her behalf, and if she could discover the name of the ship, then Samara would be free to join the cause against the Collectors.</p><p>Shepard had agreed, of course. What was this woman <em>not</em> willing to do?</p><p>From there, it had been to fight their way through. Thane had set many well-placed shots that day, and he did not feel guilt for the number of mercs he sent to the sea. As far as he was concerned, Shepard was the one who had killed them. She was fully responsible for her team—not that he held it against her either. It was just the way it must be. Aside from that, he felt that he had performed well. She certainly did not yell at him to complain, and so he was glad of that.</p><p>
  <em>She leads; we follow.</em>
</p><p>Eventually, Thane had become aware of whispers in a room to the side. He wondered if Shepard had heard them, but when he turned to her, she indicated that they should advance silently.</p><p>“<em>Oh goddess, please don’t let them see me</em>…”</p><p>They entered the room, guns in hand, but not at the ready. At first, the space appeared to be empty, but then a young asari had revealed herself, wearing an Eclipse uniform.</p><p>“Please!” she cried out. “I didn’t shoot, I only pretended to! I’m new. I thought ‘Elnora the Mercenary’ sounded grand, but it’s not like I thought. I just want to leave, please!”</p><p>The merc had her gun in hand, but was lax. Shepard lowered hers. Thane and Jacob had eased up as well.</p><p>
  <em>I watch her, see a flicker of her eyes past her helmet. What is circling inside her head?</em>
</p><p>Shepard had tried to get information from the merc—the name of the ship that Samara was seeking, but Elnora continued to deny knowledge. Thane took all of this in, observed Shepard’s tactics, but he did not attempt to analyze her until he had time to think back on it, such as now. Now, he could truly appreciate her words and her body language; her eye contact. Had she trained for negotiations, or was it natural? He was curious.</p><p>“Like I said, I’m new,” Elnora had claimed. “I haven’t killed anyone. Just let me leave, and I’ll go right now!”</p><p>Shepard considered. Thane watched Shepard. He watched the asari for signs of threat.</p><p>Almost out of nowhere, Shepard had raised her gun toward the asari, and Elnora became immediately hostile in return. Shepard had fired a shot, and a second later, Thane had likewise fired a round into the asari’s chest. He had done so because Shepard had, and felt no remorse for the burst of blood as life left her, though he wondered over Shepard’s motivation.</p><p>
  <em>It was not my place to judge it.</em>
</p><p>Jacob didn’t say anything as the body fell to the floor, but Thane saw the conflict in his eyes. They had just shot a woman who was pleading for her life.</p><p>Shepard was not oblivious. As she searched the asari’s body, she addressed the issue.</p><p>“She wasn’t innocent,” Shepard assured them. So, this woman considered herself judge and jury, much like a Justicar herself, but with her own code.</p><p>“How do you know that?” Taylor asked, clearly not deterred by rank in this instance. “She seemed pretty convincing to me.”</p><p>“To me too, at first,” she agreed, “but then I noticed her uniform.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Of course,” Thane had said, recalling, the answer coming to him. “To join the Sisterhood, one must commit a murder to earn her uniform.”</p><p>“Right,” Shepard said. “She said she hadn’t killed anyone. She lied. She said she didn’t shoot at us, which was also probably a lie. Though whether or not she killed our volus, I don’t know.”</p><p>This was Shepard’s own brand of justice. Whether or not Thane agreed, it put him at ease to realize that she would not merely shoot a woman who was pleading innocence. She had a reason. As soon as they had turned their backs, they might have been shot by the asari instead. And yet he wondered what that had left Shepard to think of <em>him</em>. He believed he already knew.</p><p>Thane had been judged before. He had been visited by an angel of the goddess, Arashu, and through her, he had sought redemption. It had taken time, but he had proven himself worthy of forgiveness.</p><p><em>Eventually, she forgave me. Later, she loved me. </em>He had never been so grateful.</p><p>In the end, they had taken down the Eclipse leader as well as having discovered the name of the ship. The <em>AML Demeter</em>. Not only that, they had verified that Elnora had been the one to kill the volus in the alley. Shepard had been more than justified, after all.</p><p>When they had returned to Samara, the Justicar had honored her agreement and decided to come with them against the Collectors. She had pledged a vow to Shepard; much stronger than what Thane had offered her. <em>‘By the code, I will serve you, Shepard. Your choices are my choices, your morals are my morals. Your wishes are my code.’ </em>He had thought that was fascinating. In his profession, there was only the contract. No code; no need for vows.</p><p>He had made vows only once in his life.</p><p>He pondered over all this now—pondered Shepard. She certainly inspired loyalty, even in someone as powerful and strict as a Justicar. This human was…intriguing.</p><p><em>‘...sounds more like a vigilante than an assassin.’</em><br/><br/>Shepard had placed that claim on him, but Thane wondered if he had ever been in that much control of his actions. He had made his own choices, certainly; after a fashion. Some had not seemed like choices at all.<br/><br/><em>I hurt them. Eventually killed them. Their blood still stains my soul. I have prayed to wash it away, and yet it can never be undone.</em><br/><br/>Was having a pure soul worth sacrificing justice? He wondered now. His devotion to the gods, as well as what he’d been taught by the hanar, had worked to guide his path in his profession. In his training, he had been taught never to harm the innocent. He was to focus on the target unless opposed by others. The hanar had felt that it was his duty to protect the innocent as much as was possible, even at the expense of his own life. The target was important; the goal should be met, but that was not <em>all</em> that was important.<br/><br/>He held to those values, even now. He had not gone against them.<br/><br/><em>I have not killed the innocent. But I am still a murderer.</em></p><p>“<em>Thane Krios</em>.” EDI’s neutral, mechanical voice filled his chamber. “<em>Shepard wishes to speak with you in the command center</em>.”</p><p>He was out of his seat in a moment. “Of course. Tell her I will be there shortly.”</p><p>Thane left Life Support, wondering what Shepard might have wanted, though no doubt it had to do with the mission in some way. Had she been reviewing it as he had? What were her judgements?</p><p>When he entered the room, Shepard was there, standing at the curved table in her uniform with her hair pulled back, but she was not alone. Operative Taylor was also in attendance.</p><p>“Thank you both for coming,” she began formally. “The Justicar is here and settled. I want to thank you both for your help.”</p><p>They both chimed in with platitudes.</p><p>“Of course, Shepard.”</p><p>“Yes, Commander.”</p><p>“But that’s not why I called you here,” she went on. “I want to talk about the hostility out there,” Shepard said, glancing back and forth between them.</p><p>Thane did not have much to say concerning this. In his eyes, it had been Taylor who had taken jabs at <em>him</em>. He had merely returned them, as he had previously done with Shepard. Jacob said nothing at first either, until finally he decided to speak up.</p><p>“Permission to speak freely?” Taylor requested.</p><p>“Alright.”</p><p>“I’m just not so sure I’m comfortable with an assassin being on the team,” Jacob said, arms crossed defensively. His voice was full of venom. “Or being nearby while I sleep.”</p><p>“I have no ill-will toward you,” Thane assured him, but he heard the edge to his tone. He put his hands behind his back, countering Taylor’s defensive posture.</p><p>“Yeah, not yet maybe. But you’re here. Close to us. Plenty of opportunity. Maybe you can be compromised, huh? Maybe you’d wipe us out for a higher bidder.”</p><p>“That’s out of line,” Shepard said swiftly. Thane did not even have to respond. “Krios did good work on this mission. He covered your ass more than once. That not good enough for you?”</p><p>“I don’t like mercenaries,” Taylor clarified, leaving no room for doubt. “An assassin is just a precise mercenary.”</p><p>“An assassin is merely a weapon,” Thane said, telling him the same thing he had told Shepard. “I have accepted a contract, and my professionalism requires me to honor that. I work for Shepard. I act at her behest.”</p><p>“You’re a <em>tool</em>, I get it,” Jacob seethed. Thane did not let himself react emotionally. “At least I’m loyal to more than my next paycheck.”</p><p>“Obviously he is too. He’s doing this mission gratis,” Shepard shot back. “I’m willing to give him a chance. I’d appreciate it if you would too.”</p><p>Jacob was silent at that, working his jaw, but he said nothing. Shepard changed her tactic.</p><p>“Listen, this might not be resolved, but I don’t care,” Shepard told them. “I can’t change your personal feelings. But when the two of you work together again—that’s ‘<em>when’</em>, not ‘<em>if</em>’—I don’t want any more of this behavior. Are we clear?”</p><p>Operative Taylor pursed his lips, clearly agitated, but he held back. She was looking at <em>him</em> pointedly, instead of Thane.</p><p>“Yes, Commander,” Taylor said.</p><p>“Dismissed.”</p><p>Taylor gave a salute to Shepard and eyed Thane as he left the room. Thane wondered if Shepard had just damaged her relationship with Taylor in his favor, but he supposed he should be thankful that it had fallen on his side.</p><p>Not that it mattered. Personal relationships were no concern of his. This was business.</p><p>“Sorry for that,” she said once they were alone. He was surprised. She had spoken to Taylor much differently than she spoke to him. Yet, they were soldiers. They spoke a different language.</p><p>She turned toward him, meeting him eye to eye. He observed her, but did not break his stance of confidence.</p><p>“I will not let him bother me, Shepard,” he promised. “His dislike for me is personal and not my concern. I only hope that you were satisfied with my performance.”</p><p>“Yes,” she said. “You worked with us better than I expected, and especially with the cold-shoulder you were getting. You’ve proven that you could work with someone who clearly did not want to work with you. In my eyes, you’ve proven your worth to the team. That’s all I need to know. Thanks for joining with us. Truly glad to have you.”</p><p>He felt that her words were sincere. His respect for her had grown, for more reasons than one.</p><p>“I find that I am glad to be here, Shepard,” he said honestly.</p><p>She nodded to him. “If you need anything, let me know.”</p><p>“I will. Thank you.”</p><p>When Thane left the meeting, he felt a bit, <em>odd</em>. Baffled, perhaps.</p><p>Thane thought, then, of making his own vow to himself: he would figure her out.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A/N: If this chapter seemed a little slow to you, I promise the story will pick up again in the next chapter. It’ll feature another long chat between Thane and Shep. :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Awake for the Roses</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Thane could recall the moment as clearly as if it were still happening before his eyes. In a way, in fact, it was.</p><p>He had been restless, searching for days, using every method available to him, and finally, he had found her. When he had first learned her name, he had felt pleasure beyond compare. It was like a weight had been lifted from him. The woman he had seen—<em>sunset eyes, scales a pale yellow, sheer defiance on her face</em>. He could not forget her. Obsessed…yes, perhaps he had been, but finally, he felt a shred of relief from his plight.</p><p><em>Irikah</em>. He had learned that she was a professor—a researcher—working for the Illuminated Primacy. She had spent years working on a cure for a rare hanar disease, and she was growing close. That was the primary goal of her work. It had pleased him to learn this. He believed that the embodiment of Arashu could take no other form. She was a healer and protector, dedicated to helping others.</p><p>And he knew he had to meet her.</p><p>He could have found out more about her using his contacts, much more, but he did not want to spoil too much. No, not this time. He wanted to know her, to have her speak the words to him because she wanted him to know, not because he had studied her and learned it all from afar.</p><p>He was awake. For the first time in his life, he was <em>awake</em>.</p><p>Thane snapped back to himself—back to the stark metal walls of the Normandy. He left that memory to the past, but he let the feeling of it resound within him.</p><p>He had recalled the memory because he had been searching for it—linking it to a feeling he’d felt recently. He had been trying to match it, and he found that it was near the same.</p><p>Something had happened to him. Something—and he had woken up again.</p><p>Since surviving the Dantius Towers, his life had seemed to open up before him, however short it might have been. He had meant for there to be no future beyond that night, but his fate had changed.</p><p><em>She</em> had stepped into his path. He could not stop thinking of Shepard, even now.</p><p>Obsessed? No, he was not obsessed. He was curious, certainly, but Shepard was no target of his. He had grown since the days he had stalked Irikah. Then, he had known no other way. Now was different. Yet, his interest was personal. Was he possessed by the thought of her? Had she taken over his thoughts? Perhaps, but he was not <em>obsessed</em>.</p><p>And yet he studied her. He studied her as if she were a mark. He watched her with precision, on the Normandy, and when they departed from it. Her long, starkly red hair was sometimes wound in a twist at the back of her neck, but sometimes it was wild and unbound. Her eyes were gray, sometimes bright and sometimes cloudy. There was so much expression in them. Her skin was pale, but with several faint little dots across her cheeks, sprinkled randomly with no thought to pattern. He observed her mannerisms, her posture—everything short of prying open her mind to see how she made decisions.</p><p>But he wanted what was inside there.</p><p>He could have consulted the extranet and likely would have found numerous sources to pore over—though which ones were true, he would not know. She, herself, was the only truth.</p><p>She had triggered him, challenged him, and he was awake now.</p><p>
  <em>But what to do with it?</em>
</p><p>His mind found another memory, more recent. The group had dispersed for a short time in Nos Astra, and Thane had found himself wandering through a residential district, the very same where he had once had an apartment. He had cleared out of there when he had joined the Normandy, and had not bothered to look at the place for nostalgia’s sake before he had left, for what he had determined to be the final time. He had let it go, like he had let go of everything else in his life.</p><p>When he had stepped back out onto the street, Shepard had been waiting for him at the designated spot. He approached her, unsure of what to feel—but she was not the only thing he noticed.</p><p>Nearby, there was a krogan—of all species—spouting home-spun poetry, and near him was an asari, trying to pretend as if she did not know him, but looking too embarrassed to accomplish this. She did not have as much control over her emotions as she might have liked. Thane could tell. He could usually tell what another was feeling, no matter the species. A gift from the hanar.</p><p>He had tried to focus his attention on Shepard, but the verses had been too forceful to ignore.</p><p>
  <em>Terrible. The arrangement offends my senses. I wish I could forget.</em>
</p><p>Shepard herself had taken notice, as had everyone else within earshot.</p><p>“Lovely night, huh?” she asked him as he approached. Was it a joke?</p><p>“For some, I suppose,” he answered dryly. “Shall we go?”</p><p>He hoped that she would approve, so that he could direct himself toward blessed silence once more. This lover’s quarrel was no business of his.</p><p>But Shepard… He saw an unfamiliar flicker in her eyes as she looked back to the krogan ‘Cyrano’ and mortified asari.</p><p>“Just a minute,” Shepard said, and to his dismay, she had actually approached the asari.</p><p>Thane said nothing, though he wondered what she would do. This was nothing of her concern, only a mere annoyance. Why did she see the need to assert herself into this love affair?</p><p>Even though Thane was perturbed, he could not help but feel curious. What was her purpose here? What would she do?</p><p>
  <em>‘Blue rose of Illium, leave eternity unembraced and grapple in the glorious struggle, which is us.’</em>
</p><p>Even now, he could not repress it. Thane cringed inwardly.</p><p>“What’s up with your krogan suitor?” Shepard had asked the asari casually.</p><p>The asari might have acted in any number of ways, but Thane was amazed as he witnessed the way she completely opened up to Shepard—a stranger and an alien. He continued to observe in wonder as the asari began to spill out all of her romantic troubles.</p><p>For no reason at all. Simply because she had been asked.</p><p>“He’s serious,” the asari said. “Like, talking about <em>kids</em>, serious. I just don’t know. Krogans live a really long time. I don’t know if he really likes me, or if he just wants kids.”</p><p>Children... A life together… Thane had tried to pay attention to Shepard. There was no sense in getting lost in memory. He had felt distant from it—distant from everyone else standing on the platform.</p><p>“That seems like something you should ask <em>him</em>,” Shepard suggested.</p><p>“I did,” the asari promised. “I don’t think he understood that our kids would always be asari and not krogan, but…he was quiet for a long time. Then he said he’d love our girls—no matter what color they were.”</p><p>Shepard had made a sound that Thane had not heard her make, pulling his attention to her face. The sound had been an involuntary coo of sorts—that was the only way he could think to describe it. Her expression was soft, and he guessed that even though that sentiment hadn’t been aimed at her, she was touched by it.</p><p>She threw her arm out to the side, pointing at the poetic krogan.</p><p>“Go back to that man right now,” she told the asari in such a demanding way that she might have been a fool not to heed.</p><p>The asari laughed, looking down, but she seemed to realize the truth of her own words.</p><p>“Maybe you’re right.”</p><p>“For a man—any man—to say something like that,” Shepard began. “He’s a keeper. You should be happy that he has all that time, and he wants to spend it with you.” Shepard sounded almost in awe as she spoke, and Thane found himself curious about her own experiences, and how those might have influenced her now.</p><p>The asari looked toward her krogan beau, who had never ceased to serenade her with his bad poetry, her own eyes alight with affection.</p><p>
  <em>‘Come to me, blue rose of Illium. Let our three hearts beat as two.’</em>
</p><p>“Yeah, I do love him,” the asari agreed. “And I trust him. I know he respects me. I should take him back. Thank you for talking me through it.”</p><p>She turned away to talk with her lover, and Shepard seemed pleased as she watched them. Even though they were both alien, she was touched by their love—made joyful over it. Despite himself, Thane thought that was a lovely sentiment.</p><p>
  <em>As if I have room for such musings anymore.</em>
</p><p>“And thank <em>you</em>, for getting him <em>to stop</em>,” said a salarian passerby.</p><p>Shepard smiled with amusement, stepped over to the railing, and Thane was not sure what else to do, so he followed. He stepped up next to her, and saw that she was simply gazing out over the view.</p><p>“We are…killing time, Shepard?”</p><p>She laughed a little. “We’ll just wait for Garrus to get back. Then we’ll go to the ship. Not really my preference, but it doesn’t hurt to stop and smell the roses from time to time.”</p><p>After the ‘rose’ metaphor in the krogan’s poetry, Thane had to wonder over what she meant. He hummed a bit, but did not respond.</p><p>“You disapprove?”</p><p>“I’m dying,” he reminded her bluntly. “Everything else seems frivolous.”</p><p>“You’re not dead yet, Krios.”</p><p>He looked at her, finding her watching him. He heard her words, but was not sure how to implement them.</p><p>
  <em>How does one imagine a future that does not exist?</em>
</p><p>But perhaps it was not about the future. She had been speaking of being alive in the present. He understood.</p><p>They had stood in silence, the gentle wind passing around them as the sounds of the crowd nestled in against their ears. He looked out across the skyline, wanting to see what Shepard saw, and was confronted by a near endless expanse of buildings and lights. Illium was a marvel of architecture and technology, a sleek and stylish metropolis. He had known this, and yet he had never slowed down enough to appreciate it.</p><p>“I spent the last two years here,” he confessed, “and I realize now that I never once looked out over the horizon. It is…exquisite.”</p><p>“Not once?” she asked, turning her face toward him. The breeze made her red hair float around her shoulders playfully.</p><p>“No. I was asleep.”</p><p>Shepard stood up to give him her full attention, her hands still on the railing.</p><p>“But you’re awake now.”</p><p>He gazed at her, considered her features. “Hm. Yes.”</p><p>She watched him another moment in silence, and then…</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>They had spent the rest of the time in comfortable silence, looking out over the city, together.</p><p>Thane awoke from the memory, leaning back in his chair, folded hands resting on the table. He wondered if he might have pondered her forever and still not have unraveled her to her core.</p><p>
  <em>Arashu, what is your purpose? What am I to learn from her?  </em>
</p><p>Thane was silent at the table as these things passed over him, his body still while his mind ran laps. He was sitting there, his hands calmly moving over each other, staring at nothing, when he heard the chime, indicating that someone was at his door.</p><p>He reached to the nearby console and opened the way, not bothering to check who was outside first. He felt as if he knew.</p><p>A moment after, Shepard had moved into his vision, just at the edge.</p><p>“Have a minute? I wanted to ask you something.”</p><p>“Certainly.”</p><p>“I was thinking about our conversation before, in Nos Astra.”</p><p>Funny. He had just been thinking the same thing.</p><p>She moved to the other corner of the table, standing, her finger resting on the edge, but he did not think she was relaxed.</p><p>“What you said about dying, and things being frivolous… I want a straight answer: how bad is it?”</p><p>“My illness?” he asked. “We have already spoken of it.”</p><p>“No, I mean your desire to die.”</p><p>This gave him pause. He thought he had given her an indication when he had joined this suicide mission. He wanted, not just any death, but a good death. A worthy death. This was, in his opinion, what she had offered him.</p><p>Shepard awaited his answer, and he wondered what she wanted to hear.</p><p>“I do not plan to let my body die before its time,” he assured her. “My beliefs would not permit me to end myself, if that is your concern. I do not plan to leave a mess for you.”</p><p>“I just want you to know that if it gets bad, if you need to talk, you can talk to me. Or Kelly, if you prefer. She has more training for things like that. I’m just an ear.”</p><p>Strange, how she had offered herself to him in that way. Then again, perhaps she simply considered it her duty to be all things to her people.</p><p>“I appreciate the offer,” he said, and he found that his voice was soft, “but I can handle my own matters, Shepard. I have my meditations and prayers to soothe me. My fate is in the hands of the gods.”</p><p>“Alright then,” she said with a sigh. “That’s…really all I came to say.”</p><p>“You are busy; I understand.”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>And yet she lingered. There was something else?</p><p>“What is on your mind?” he asked, finding now that they had come to this point, that he did not want her to go. “Please sit.”</p><p>“You baffle me,” she said. He found that he was flattered, but he was not sure that she had meant it in a good way.</p><p>“How so?”</p><p>“So many ways,” she said, as if she were frustrated by his puzzle. But she sank down into the chair across from him. “It’s bugging me.”</p><p>“Bugging you?” As in, <em>irritating</em>?</p><p>Her stormy eyes searched him. “You just seem to care about life too much to be an assassin. Not your own, of course, but for others. And even though I can tell when you’re miffed, you’re just so damn civil.”</p><p>“In my experience, those who are truly dangerous seldom act like they are.”</p><p>“So it’s an act?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>She crossed her arms, peering into his eyes. She moved her head a little, and he believed she might be trying to guess where he was looking. He knew it was difficult to discern for non-drell.</p><p>“You said you are a killer. That it’s not what you do, but it’s who you <em>are</em>. Do you find satisfaction in death?” she asked. “In watching someone die?”</p><p>Her voice was lower, smoother. He was reminded of a glassy sea.</p><p>“I am an artist. Death is the application. The body: a canvas. Does a painter not admire their work? As I imagine that you do as well, when one is deserving of it.”</p><p>“But you kill those who are<em> not</em> deserving.”</p><p>“At times,” he admitted. They had spoken of this before, and so he had to assume that she was still trying to wrap her mind around it.</p><p>“Drell minds are different from humans’. A common human belief is in a soul separate from the body. Drell belief is just a bit more literal. We acknowledge that the body is not the true self. The soul is.”</p><p>“But you justify what you do because you are merely a weapon,” she confirmed.</p><p>“It is more than justification. It is fact,” he insisted.</p><p><em>Eyes narrowed. Lips pursed. Arms crossed</em>. He could tell she wasn’t buying into that.</p><p>“So, no guilt?” she asked skeptically. “None at all?”</p><p>“I’ve never felt any particular guilt for my contracts, no,” he said easily, hands folded before him.</p><p>But for other things… <em>They ask me questions—so many questions. Was I home? No, I was not even on Kahje. The air is dry, but everything feels cold. There is an ache in my bones. “Do you or your wife have any enemies?” Enemies…</em></p><p>He snapped back, wondering how long he had been silent. He wondered if she had noticed.</p><p>“I suppose I understand what you’re saying,” she said then, and he was a bit surprised to have her acceptance.</p><p>“You don’t have to agree with it,” he said.</p><p>“Yeah, not sure I do. But it’s not on <em>my</em> conscience.”</p><p>“Nor on mine.”</p><p>She took a deep breath, her chest rising beneath her arms. She challenged him with her gaze, but he did not back down. He wondered if they had stared at each other all day, which of them might break first.</p><p>“Whatever the case, you certainly look beautiful when you do it,” she said. “One step after another, each move carefully placed. A perfect dance.”</p><p>Her eyes had drifted away, and he realized that she was watching her own memory—as well as a human might. That memory was of <em>him</em>, and he wondered what she was seeing. Nassana’s penthouse? Or another time? She had described it for him, but not in the detail he craved. He thought he might ask her, but then another thought came to him.</p><p>He was not sure how the conversation had taken this turn, but his heart was pulsing. He could hear it thrumming away. He’d never had such a conversation with anyone before. Most did not know of his secret life, and if he had ever once breached the subject with Irikah, she would have given him such a look of dismay that would have shamed him for days. Though they disagreed, Shepard did not mind this discussion? Or was she testing him somehow?</p><p>“I have, at times, found myself feeling jealous,” he confessed. “That I might be the one dancing with death, and not playing the role of death.”</p><p>“You really want to die that badly?” she asked, but it was more of a realization for her. This was how she had begun the conversation. Was it not what she wanted to know?</p><p>“There is no discounting the matter, Shepard. I <em>will</em> die. The only choice I have is in how it might happen. My pride will not let me go down without a fight, and so fight I must. Until I no longer am able.”</p><p>Her face twisted into something… He could not place it. Pity? Her gaze drifted from his, no longer able to hold it.</p><p>“I sense that my outlook has brought you down, Shepard.”</p><p>“It just… I wish I could find a way to lift you up, that’s all.”</p><p>That was surprising, and yet not. Of course she needed him at his best, and to have him wallow in misery was not a good place for him.</p><p>
  <em>But it is my business if I wish to be there.</em>
</p><p>“I am difficult, I suppose,” he said with a self-depreciating smile.</p><p>“It’s alright,” she said, standing. He knew that he had driven her away. She stepped around the table and paused near him. “I won’t give up.”</p><p>
  <em>Hm?</em>
</p><p>With that said, she walked toward the door, and once again he was left, pondering her.</p><p>“Thank you,” he said quietly, even though he knew she could not hear him. “For your concern.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. To Try at Redemption</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: This is probably a good place to say that I also drew from events that are mentioned in the Mass Effect comics. Onward!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He had watched; he had waited. He had been watching her for days—at her home and to the lab where she worked late into the night. She was dedicated to her work, and most days, she barely made it home to sleep for more than a few hours before returning.</p><p>She was driven. He liked that about her. In fact, Thane had liked everything about her.</p><p>
  <em>Irikah.</em>
</p><p>He had not been bold enough to reveal himself to her, though he wanted to meet her more than he had ever wanted anything. He had pondered over what he might say, and also considered that what he wanted was to cross a line that should not be crossed. Their lives were very different. She did not need him in hers. But could he be content to simply watch her?</p><p>He had crept through the building for many nights, undetected, stalking her, learning her mannerisms. <em>The way she tilts her head when she thinks; the way she paces when she is pensive; the way she mutters to herself when she is frustrated.</em> He was fascinated by her, smitten, and there was no cure for it.</p><p>Thane was not sure how to approach her, or even if he should, but one night, his hand was forced when a group of thugs had broken into the lab. They had been after her, threatening her, trying to halt her progress in the cure she had been working on. Perhaps they would have beaten her, perhaps killed her, and Thane had been driven to act in her defense.</p><p>There had been five of them, and he had disarmed them and killed them all in the blink of an eye. Irikah had used her omnitool to fend one off herself, before Thane had finished him, floor smeared with only an ounce of blood, the silence gathering.</p><p>And then there he was, standing before her.</p><p>He did not know how else to approach her—forget simply walking up to say hello.</p><p>“Who are you?” she demanded. Her eyes were not reflecting the setting sun now, but they were beautiful all the same. She was set in her defiance toward him, and she was a vision.</p><p>Her omnitool was at the ready, as if she might have used it to defend herself against him. It would not have done much good, but he admired her fire.</p><p>The force of her voice, exquisite, but he had not let her finish her demands. He had fallen on his face before her, arms in front of him, palms flat against the ground. His head was lowered and his body defenseless, as if in prayer. He had thrown himself at her feet—at her mercy.</p><p>“Forgive my intrusion.”</p><p>“Who <em>are you</em>?” she repeated. “Make no mistake, I’m grateful for your help, but how did you know they were coming?”</p><p>“I didn’t. I’ve been…watching you. Here. For many nights.”</p><p>“What?” She was baffled, likely appalled.</p><p>“I was not sure how to approach you, but I had to meet you. It…was me. The laser—the shot you blocked. It was mine.”</p><p>She was quiet, and he guessed she was considering him. If she had chosen to run him through with the omnitool, he would have accepted that as divine judgement.</p><p>“Wha– What is this?” she demanded. Her voice was gaining strength now, but she had lowered her defense, no longer afraid of him. Wary, perhaps, but not afraid.</p><p>“I am an assassin,” he confessed. “That salarian you stepped in front of was my target.”</p><p>“<em>Assassin</em>?” There was that fear she had hidden, flanked by disgust. “I’m calling security.”</p><p>“Please, I mean you no harm,” he pleaded. “I wish to explain myself to you. Hear me out, goddess. I beg your mercy.”</p><p>“<em>Goddess</em>?” she questioned, but she gave pause at that. “My name is Irikah.”</p><p>“Yes, I know,” he assured her. “I did not know what to think when you stepped in front of my laser. What possessed you to protect someone you had never met—not even knowing what sort of person he was? It baffles me.”</p><p>“Was he a terrible person?” she had asked.</p><p>“It doesn’t matter.” Thane knew that the salarian was a war criminal, but that had not been a factor in his undertaking of the contract. He merely did what he was asked to do by the hanar.</p><p>“I guess it wouldn’t matter to you,” she sneered. “I may have stopped you that day, but in the meantime, you finished your contract.” So, she knew. The salarian she had tried to save had not been safe from his killing arm forever. He could do nothing but admit it.</p><p>“Yes, you are correct. I…did finish my task. I had to see it through to completion.”</p><p>“As if you didn’t have a choice but to take a life.” She was right for it, perhaps.</p><p>“That is why I had to find you,” he said. This quieted her again. “When I learned who you were, I knew that I was destined to seek you out. Our paths did not cross by accident. You have devoted your life to saving others. Now, I need you to save <em>me</em>.”</p><p>He rested before her on the tiled floor, completely subdued. He did not dare to look up at her, instead memorizing the pattern of the floor. He could not hear her moving. Finally, she spoke and released him.</p><p>“Please, just…stand up,” she insisted.</p><p>He did as she asked—as she allowed—but he could not quite meet her eyes. He was revered in her presence. She paced a moment in the echoing chamber, looked at the bodies at their feet, and finally turned to face him.</p><p>“What is it that you really want from me?” she asked, unable to comprehend. “You asked me to save you… what does that even mean?”</p><p>“I wish to beg your forgiveness, and that is what I have come for.”</p><p>She shook her head, the metal ringlets in her spines clinking together. “I don’t know you,” she said. “And based on what I’ve heard, I don’t know if I can forgive you.”</p><p>He was not sure what to say for a moment. He had never stopped to think that she might deny him. But as the gods had their whims, he supposed she had hers.</p><p>“I crave your forgiveness over all else,” he told her. “If I am not to have it now, then I will continue to seek it. If you will allow me to leave, I will strive to prove myself to you. I will continue to try.”</p><p>She stared at him, and he watched her. She was so close, finally, and yet so far from him still. He could not tell what she had been thinking. Her gaze was harsh—but then it softened. She looked him up and down, sizing him up, and then was content to turn her back to him—a killer.</p><p>“Then<em> try</em>,” she said.</p><hr/><p>The memory had been heavy, but it was fond. There were others, so many awful ones still to review. These were among the memories that he could not atone for, no matter what he did. The guilt for what he had lost—what he had given up—were impossible to earn forgiveness for. For these, he would have to rely on grace.</p><p>He’d had everything he had ever wanted. He had been given a chance.</p><p>
  <em>And yet I threw it into the wind like sand, watched the grains scatter until it was nothing.</em>
</p><p>It was then that the door chimed a familiar tone. There was a pause, and then the door slid open behind him.</p><p>He knew it was her. He heard the approach of her footsteps, smelled her salty, ocean-scent skin.</p><p>“You keep returning to see me, Shepard,” he said before she was in his sights. “Why?”</p><p>“I haven’t figured you out yet,” she said, seeming content to start the conversation this way.</p><p>She stepped past the table and moved to the window. She was wearing a black N7 tank top with black leggings and her usual heavy boots. Her red hair was unbound, flowing freely around her.</p><p>“Some enigmas are not meant to be untangled,” he said once he had looked her over.</p><p>“You saying I can’t do it?” She liked a challenge as well, did she? That was certainly intriguing.</p><p>“I welcome you to try.” <em>Yes, try…</em> “Though I’m not quite sure what you’re looking for.”</p><p>“You’re not what I expected.”</p><p>“Neither are you.”</p><p>She turned to face him from the window, eyes locked on his. Other species often found looking him in the eye to be unsettling, yet she did not shy away from it.</p><p>“Haven’t you ever been so intrigued by someone that you wanted to pry a little?” she asked. “See if you can figure out what’s in their head?”</p><p>
  <em>Not in ages. Not again until now.</em>
</p><p>“Certainly.”</p><p>“The more I learn about you, the more I’m certain you’re a walking contradiction.”</p><p>“To you, perhaps. To me, I make perfect sense,” he promised.</p><p>“Do you really?”</p><p>“Of course. What questions do you have, Shepard? I will answer them.”</p><p>He found that he was anxiously awaiting their conversation. What would she say? Something to prove that his interest in her was not unfounded, he hoped.</p><p>“Will you?” she asked, a quirk of a smile at her mouth. “It seems you enjoy being mysterious.”</p><p>“Allow me my comforts, Shepard,” he requested humbly. “Please, humor me.”</p><p>Shepard sat in the chair, leaning back as she peered at him, hands in her lap.</p><p>She asked him many things after that. He told her about the drell’s liberation from Rakhana to Kahje, and of their close relationship with the hanar under the Compact.</p><p>“I suppose your civility has something to do with hanar influence?” she asked.</p><p>“We all become what we are exposed to, to a degree,” he agreed. “It takes a strong-willed individual to not be influenced by those around them.”</p><p>“Are all drell like this?”</p><p>“No. We are like humans in variation, I suspect, though I’m sure we have our stereotypes. Most drell are less formal, I imagine. I was exposed to the hanar almost exclusively in my formative years. I learned to communicate with them, how to speak to them. Yes, they are very formal and polite, but if you managed to get to know one well, they can be quite warm.”</p><p>“I’ve always wondered: are the hanar genuine in their politeness, or is it merely their defense mechanism?”</p><p>“In a way, I suppose it is defense. They do not wish to offend anyone. Being polite avoids conflict.”</p><p>“Are they never insulted?” she asked.</p><p>“Certainly, but one does not have to be obscene to convey a point,” Thane said.</p><p>“And this is what you have adopted?” she asked. “You try to seem nonthreatening?”</p><p>“Unless I feel I must intimidate.”</p><p>She tilted her head, watching him with what he believed was curiosity. “If I didn’t know you were an assassin, I wouldn’t believe it. The ruse is useful.”</p><p>“It can be a useful deterrent.”</p><p>“But I shouldn’t fool myself into thinking you’re harmless. You might have some elaborate plan to kill me,” she suggested.</p><p>He chuckled, shrugged. “I suppose it would be an impressive ploy. To somehow use Cerberus to convince you to recruit me, so that you would invite me aboard your ship, so that I might—”</p><p>He stopped, his eyes shooting to hers. He had thought she was joking, but was it instead an accusation? He had thought they were learning to trust each other. She had doubts?</p><p>“I assure you that is not the case, Shepard,” he insisted.</p><p>She continued to watch him with a blank expression, until finally, she smiled a little.</p><p>“I’m just yankin’ your chain, Krios,” she said with a laugh. “I know it wasn’t in your plans to come here.”</p><p>“Ah, good. I’m glad you do not think that.” He felt that his relief was showing on his face. “I admit, at first, I suppose I didn’t care what you thought of me, but I find that I do now.”</p><p>“Oh you do, huh?”</p><p>He shifted his shoulders. “Perhaps a little.”</p><p>She smiled shortly, and he felt content that they had made some headway.</p><p>“That’s good,” she said. “At least, I hope you don’t think I’m as terrible now as in the beginning.”</p><p>“I have never thought you terrible, Shepard,” he confessed, his face taken by a shrewd smile. “Pushy, loud, chaotic, perhaps. But not terrible.”</p><p>“Har har,” she mocked. “Well I’m glad you can joke about it now. I was worried about us in the beginning.”</p><p><em>Us?</em> The sound of that rang through his mind.</p><p>“So the hanar trained you, but when we met, you were freelance. I assume that means you left the Compact. What changed?”</p><p>“I was asleep for a long time. I paid no attention to what my body was asked to do, but I…” <em>It was all because of Irikah</em>. “…learned to think for myself.”</p><p>“You wanted to pick and choose your contracts?”</p><p>“Not at first, but I began to, after a time. I had gone after a target, human, but wound up…letting her live. She convinced me that she was not a horrible person—that she was not ready to die and wanted to do something good. I…had to defer that contract. Whether another went after her, I do not know. It’s possible. But it was out of my hands.”</p><p>“So you would judge the target before taking a contract. Again, that seems to point toward vigilante work.”</p><p>“Perhaps. My perspective had changed. I learned that I did not have to do what was asked of me, simply because it was asked. I had a choice.”</p><p><em>She sits across from me at the table, leaning forward, sunset eyes locked on mine. ‘All I’m saying is, have you ever thought about what </em>you<em> want?’</em></p><p> “They say that with great power comes great responsibility,” Shepard commented.</p><p>“Yes, exactly,” he agreed, trying to push the memory to the back of his mind. “I had acted as a weapon for so long, and suddenly realized I was sentient.”</p><p>As he sat across from Shepard now, watching her, listening to her, he began to consider that he had felt this way before.</p><p><em>I had to meet her. The memory possessed and endowed me.</em> Then…<em> No, it is not the same.</em></p><p>How dare he even entertain the notion? To think that his interest in Shepard was that same as it had been with Irikah. He pushed it away.</p><p>“What was your most interesting job?” she asked him, arms on the table now, leaning forward.</p><p>“<em>Interesting</em>,” he repeated. “Our opinions may differ.”</p><p>“Try me.”</p><p>He hummed thoughtfully, smiling to himself. He was not sure he wanted to talk about his work—or that she would truly want to hear. But there was something else he could tell her.</p><p>“Full disclosure, Shepard. I perhaps should not mention it because of what we just spoke about, but I will be honest…I was once offered a contract on <em>you</em>.”</p><p>“Really?” she demanded. As he had suspected, there was fire in her eyes. “Who tried to hire you?”</p><p>“I do not know. That isn’t how it works. It was a couple of years ago. I assume your death did away with the need for it. Nevertheless, I did not accept it.”</p><p>“That a fact?” She was looking at him skeptically.</p><p>“Yes. If I had, you would already know.”</p><p>She crossed her arms, looking at him with a self-assured expression. “You mean, I would be <em>dead</em>.”</p><p>He smiled, full of himself, but said nothing.</p><p>“Don’t get cocky,” she warned, an air of teasing to her voice. “I’m sure I would have given you a run for your money.”</p><p>“That, I do not doubt. You are always challenging me.”</p><p>
  <em>I like that.</em>
</p><p>“Why didn’t you take it?” she asked. “Please don’t tell me it was because it didn’t <em>pay</em> enough. I might get insulted.”</p><p>“No, the pay was…substantial. The reason I didn’t take it was because I could not bring myself to end a human Spectre who was only trying to save the galaxy. I saw no reason why I would want to interfere with that. Though I do not doubt that you would have been my greatest challenge as a target.”</p><p>He smiled as he thought fondly on the idea—and then realized how twisted it was. Were they truly having this conversation? His smile faded suddenly as he realized how it must have sounded to her. He worried what she would think of him now. If he had said something like that to Irikah…well. He could perfectly imagine the look of horror on her face. It was akin to how he had seen it before.</p><p>He breathed in, an apology on the tip of his tongue, but Shepard had begun before he had the opportunity.</p><p>“Well, thank you. For not killing me.”</p><p>It had been a strange conversation, and he could only think of one way to respond.</p><p>“My pleasure, Shepard.”</p><p>They were quiet. He watched her, his eyes dancing across hers, wondering what she would say next. She watched him as well, a subtle curve at the corner of her mouth.</p><p>“And now you kill<em> for</em> me,” she said finally. “How about that.”</p><p>“Exactly right,” he agreed readily.</p><p>She looked thoughtful as her eyes drifted away from him.</p><p>“I’ve had a few men say they would die for me,” she mused. “Follow me into death and all that. I don’t think I’ve ever had one say he would kill for me, though. Maybe that was implied, but…”</p><p>A little smile snaked across his lips. “Either way, a pleasure.”</p><p>“You enjoy what you do,” she said, her voice light as she considered.</p><p>“It is what I am,” he reasoned. “A killer. How can I not take pride in my talents? Much like you might take pride in your accomplishments—your aim or your leadership skills.”</p><p>“Some things come naturally. My aim is practiced. My leadership skills are…”</p><p>She could not bring herself to boast. That was respectable. Those of true merit did not need to boast.</p><p>“Besides, I’m sure you have others,” she went on. “Killing can’t be the only thing you can do.”</p><p>He gave a little shrug, feeling the need to withhold. “Perhaps,” he said, though he wondered over the fact that there was truly nothing else after all. There was a reason he had continued to freelance after… well.</p><p>Thane halted his decent into memory before it took control over him.</p><p>“We tend to spend copious amounts of time talking about me,” he said then. “Tell me something about <em>you</em>, Shepard.”</p><p>“Me?” she seemed surprised. “I usually assume most already know what’s been said about me.”</p><p>“What is said and what is true can be two different things.”</p><p>She rocked back in her seat. “I guess that’s fair. What do you want to know?”</p><p>
  <em>So many things.</em>
</p><p>He would like to know about her life, but he was not sure where to start. He did not wish to begin with too many personal questions, but almost as much as that, he was interested in how her mind worked. Perhaps if he could find a place to lead from, she would open up willingly.</p><p>“You recently woke the tank-born krogan,” he said. “That was a considerable risk. It might even be said that the risks outweighed the potential reward. How did you make the decision to open the tank, not knowing what might happen?”</p><p>“I don’t operate under the belief that I <em>ever</em> know what’s going to happen. We were looking to recruit Okeer, but wound up with Grunt instead. I didn’t go through all that trouble to have nothing to show for it. Sure, it could have ended badly, but I didn’t see what good <em>waiting</em> would do either. So, I just went for it.”</p><p>Truly? It had been that simple for her?</p><p>“That’s sensational,” he said with an incredulous laugh.</p><p>She shrugged. “I was armed,” she said, defending her reasoning.</p><p>“Armor?”</p><p>“Well…no. I didn’t want him to think I was going to attack him. I needed to approach him with vulnerability.”</p><p>“An interesting strategy.” <em>Based on your usual approach.</em></p><p>“You wouldn’t have opened it?” she asked.</p><p>“No, Shepard. I would not think the risk was worth it,” he told her honestly. She tilted her head, as if she could not comprehend his caution.</p><p>“But now Grunt is awake. He can take orders and he hasn’t killed us yet.” She shrugged. “See? It worked out.”</p><p>With that, he supposed he could not argue. “You do seem to have an undeniable intuition,” he admitted. “You seem to always get the result you want.”</p><p>“Most of the time.” There was bold confidence in her eyes as she spoke to him, and he wondered what was going on behind there.</p><p>“On that note,” she said, rising, “I’d better go check on my little krogan; make sure he isn’t trashing the place.”</p><p>“A sound idea. Please do not call me for cleanup.”</p><p>“You expect <em>me</em> to do it?” she asked comically with a hand to her chest. “I’m a busy woman.”</p><p>He could not help the smile that took over his mouth for mere seconds. “That you are.”</p><p>Shepard smiled in return and moved toward the door.</p><p>“Talk later,” she said casually as she left the room.</p><p>Yes, later. Until then, he would ponder what they had already discussed.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. The Body, a Temple</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Thane sat on the floor, his jacket off, his jumpsuit unzipped and around his waist, letting the warm air in the room roll across his scales as he meditated. He was once again reviewing recent events, considering their relevance.</p><p>They had currently been skipping from system to system, clearing out geth. There was no problem with that, only that traveling took time. Only certain ones were allowed to accompany Shepard on the missions, which made the downtime even greater for those who did not participate. Thane did not so much mind it, however. He had much to think about.</p><p>From what he had heard, Shepard was still intent to gather more members for the team, and others had been asking her for help with personal matters. He had been able to meet the rest by now—had worked with many of them. He had been able to have civil conversations with several among them as well, even though it had taken some time to break through.</p><p>The turian, Garrus, was an experienced sniper, and was friendly enough. They’d been able to discuss guns. He’d also heard some interesting stories about ‘<em>Archangel’s</em>’ vigilante activities on Omega. Thane could have told his own stories about that, if he had chosen to. Perhaps at another time.</p><p>The salarian professor, Mordin, had been interested in his illness, which did not bother Thane to discuss, even though another might have found it invasive. He was also interested in asking him many questions about his species—some of which he almost <em>did</em> take offense to.</p><p>The human thief, Kasumi Goto, had been one of the few to approach <em>him</em>, attempting to pick his brain. They’d had a few things in common as far as their methods toward work, and had been able to share surprise toward Shepard’s less-than-subtle methods. There had also been a discussion about stealth tech, which Thane had found enjoyable.</p><p>Others seemed content to avoid him or skirt around him unless they were on a mission. He understood their hesitation. They knew what he was capable of, after all, though he was no threat to them unless Shepard willed it. Assassins were not generally accepted in polite company. Particularly, Operative Taylor had been vocal about his presence, and seemed furthest from becoming an associate. That did not trouble Thane. He was not here to make friends. He would not attempt to influence the thoughts of others if they had already made up their minds. If they did not change them on their own, it was beyond his control.</p><p>At least now, he was on good terms with Shepard.</p><p>She continued to astound him. Recently, she had gone to recruit on old friend of hers—Tali’Zora Vas Neema, a quarian—from a planet where the sun’s rays had eaten through the atmosphere. They would have been deadly if not for their shields, but Shepard had guided them through, and had saved whomever she could along the way.</p><p>She was truly an astounding leader. She—</p><p>The chime at his door resounded, and he opened both sets of eyelids to view the room around him. Someone had come to visit.</p><p>He stood but did not rush, pulling his jumpsuit up to dress himself properly. Before he had finished with the zipper, the door opened, and he glanced up to see Shepard entering.</p><p>She paused at the sight of him—at how he was not quite assembled.</p><p>“I hope I didn’t intrude,” she said. “You could have turned me away, you know.”</p><p>“It’s quite alright,” he insisted, reaching for his jacket.</p><p>He was not ashamed of himself. Hardly. He knew he was an exemplary example of his own species, and could be judged as attractive by other standards as well. If she chose to turn away in disgust, that was her own prerogative. </p><p>Yet she did not. She was watching him intently. Why?</p><p>“Something the matter?” he asked, spinning his jacket and slipping his arms inside in a fluid motion.</p><p>She blinked at him, as if snapping to alertness. “I was just…looking at your stripes.”</p><p><em>My stripes…</em> Dark stripes ran down his chest and back, across his arms, and other places she could not see. He was not sure why she was looking at them, perhaps they had simply caught her interest, but he could not be insulted. He had practically invited her to look him over, after all.</p><p>“Are they different on every drell?” she asked. “Like fingerprints or something?”</p><p>He took a moment to look her over as well, noting that she was dressed in her white and black Cerberus uniform. Her hair was unbound, but tamer than he had seen it recently.</p><p>“There are variations,” he responded, adjusting his collar. “Drell have different features depending on the region they originally hail from. For example, some have fins on the backs of their heads. There are scale patterns according to that as well. Some even have their scales colored into patterns—hm, similar to the tattoos that other races etch into their skin, I suspect.”</p><p>
  <em>She has tattoos. Will she allow me to ask? Perhaps she will bring it up.</em>
</p><p>Instead, she pressed on about his species, and the moment was lost.</p><p>“Are they a mark of pride?” she asked. “Are specific patterns more desirable?”</p><p>“I suppose that depends on the one perceiving them,” he told her, putting his hands behind his back.</p><p>“Gotcha.” She was thoughtful a moment. “I’m suddenly curious: what does the female drell look like?”</p><p>“As comparable to a male as you might imagine for your own species. They are…” <em>She stands before me, her body flowing and graceful, every bit of what I have anticipated. She seems nervous. She has no reason to be. She has no fault in my eyes. </em>“…anatomically similar to human females. Though of course no hair or…mammalian traits.” His eyes flicked to her chest and then looked away. He didn’t think she could have noticed. “They are slighter than males, and their head spines are longer, almost like asari tentacles. It is usually just the male that has stripes and vibrant colors. Some females have them, but their colors are muted overall.”</p><p>“I see. Well, your stripes are certainly interesting. I like them. Adds character.”</p><p>“Thank you,” he said cordially, because he felt he could say nothing else.</p><p>He wondered if the compliment was merely offered as a courtesy, but he would accept it. In a way, however, he wished his mind had not been asked to focus on that.</p><p>“Was there something else you wanted from me, Shepard?”</p><p>He hoped it had not come off too abrupt. He was not irritated with her, but he wanted to turn his mind to other things. Anything else, for now.</p><p>“Just making the rounds,” she said. “Wanted to see if you needed anything.”</p><p>“I am well,” he told her, taking his usual seat, but he kept the chair turned toward her, not the table.</p><p>“You sure? I’ve been getting crazy requests all day.”</p><p>“Perhaps I just don’t know what I am allowed to ask,” he said with a chuckle.</p><p>Shepard paced slowly. She spoke with her hands.</p><p>“Mess Sergeant Gardner is asking for provisions. Claims he can make better meals, and I’m all for that. Chakwas asked me for Serrice Ice Brandy. Tali insists there is some sort of quarian snack she can’t live without. Mordin claims an allergy to almost everything we have on deck. And Garrus wants some sort of scope or other.”</p><p>“Sounds more or less like a grocery list,” he mused.</p><p>“Pretty much. Now that you know, anything you want to add?”</p><p>He thought. He hadn’t need of much, but if he could be afforded one luxury… Something came to him.</p><p>“There is a certain tea that I had been fond of in the past. I haven’t had any in a long time, but it may help my meditations go more smoothly.”</p><p>“Oh yeah?”</p><p>“Yes, it’s harvested on Zorya. It has a delicate flavor, and goes through quite an oxidation process.” He looked up with mischief in his dark eyes. “Then it is dried and stomped by pyjaks—which also might have something to do with the flavor.”</p><p>Her eyes widened a moment, but she seemed to realize he was joking. Admittedly, he knew it was difficult to tell.</p><p>“You’re such a comedian,” she said, amused, but trying not to be.</p><p>“I try,” he said with a straight face.</p><p>She shook her head, but she was smiling as she turned away. “Well, if you think of something legitimate, let me know.”</p><p>“You needn’t trouble yourself over me, Shepard.”</p><p>She paused in her turn, looking back at him.</p><p>“You’re one of my team,” she said. “Of course I do.”</p><p>She left him at that, and Thane had to admit, he felt she had truly embraced him now. He felt that he was a part of something with her. Perhaps moreso now than ever. At least, aside from his family.</p><p>Once she was gone, he remained at the table, letting his mind wander as it willed. It took him back to his training, of standing on a post in the middle of the ocean, dangerous waves lapping around him, rain and ocean spray soaking his scales as he breathed in the humid air for hours…</p><p>
  <em>I fell off so many times before I learned to be perfectly still. Thrust into the cold sea, water pouring down my throat.</em>
</p><p>Thane opened his eyes and took in a deep breath, filling his tightened lungs. He held it, sat up straighter, and finally released it. He would be fine. <em>Yes, I will be fine.</em> Over the coming months, his illness would progress even more, but he was not willing to let mild symptoms get the better of him.</p><p>
  <em>Breathe. Just breathe.</em>
</p><p>He managed to soothe himself with a prayer and by finding his calm, but he did begin to think about how much he would really enjoy some of that tea…</p><p>There was a slight ‘ding’ overhead—not his door this time—and then a voice was pouring into the room from an unseen speaker.</p><p> “<em>This is Shepard. In lieu of the volume of requests I’ve been receiving lately, I’ve decided that we’re going to make a pit stop on the Citadel. Everyone get out there, get what you need, and report back to the Normandy. Two hours, people. Not a minute later</em>.”</p><p>Thane smiled. It was almost like she had been reading his thoughts. He let his mind wander over that until eventually there was another announcement, signifying that they had arrived.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>(A/N): Thank you to everyone for all the comments and kudos! It really helps to keep me inspired, especially now that I’m planning out the second leg of this story. There’s so much to think about! But I’m determined. I hope you’ll stick with me on this journey!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. A Walk on the Citadel</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been years since Thane had stepped foot on the Citadel. The last time he had been here, it certainly hadn’t been a leisure trip such as this. Even though their stop was brief, he had encouraged himself to enjoy it and not think of it as frivolous.</p><p>As Shepard had tried to tell him, he was not dead yet. Though he was still having trouble accepting that, he would try. He would let her influence persuade him.</p><p>He had found the tea he’d been looking for, and decided on another that seemed promising. Perhaps that would be enough to get him through the mission. If not, perhaps he would find occasion to get more.</p><p>After that, he had taken a stroll along the Presidium. The last time he had been here had not been a pleasant holiday for the criminal kingpins of this district, either—part of his greater effort to make the galaxy a better place.</p><p>
  <em>That had been my duty, not my choice.</em>
</p><p>He received a few looks as he passed. They were curious and uncertain. He had not given them any mind. When he was not moving in the shadows and allowed himself to be visible, he was often the first drell that aliens had ever witnessed. They were either curious about him or wary. He would not let either bother him. He would walk where he wished to walk.</p><p>The Presidium was truly peaceful. Beautiful. Day and night existed here in simulation—false normalcy. Flowers bloomed and the waters were still, without the disturbance of storm. He wondered how many of the Citadel’s full population had ever been afforded such luxury. The Citadel had its slums just as it had its penthouses.</p><p>He was passing near a public elevator when the door opened, and to his surprise, Shepard appeared, looking mildly agitated. When she saw him, however, her expression lightened. He was glad of that.</p><p>“Krios, hey.”</p><p>“Hello, Shepard.”</p><p>She was in her armor, and her red mane was tame, brushed across her forehead and secured in a neat twist at the base of her neck. He marveled at how a different arrangement of her hair could give her a completely different tone. She looked very professional this way.  </p><p>She looked him over quickly, noticing the bag in his hand. “Found something after all, did you?”</p><p>“Yes, the tea I mentioned.”</p><p>She looked bewildered. “I thought the tea was a joke.”</p><p>“The origin was a joke. The tea was real.”</p><p>She hesitated just a moment, her expression twisting into acceptance. “Oh. Well, I’m glad you found some then.”</p><p>He wondered where she had just come from—and if he might be privileged to find out.</p><p>“Are you returning to the Normandy, Shepard?”</p><p>“Was heading that way.”</p><p>“I will join you.”</p><p>They fell into step naturally, both of them having settled their business in this district.</p><p>“How have you been spending your time?” he asked.</p><p>“Business, unfortunately. For as little faith as I have in the Council, I had hoped they would see me. But they wouldn’t. Anderson was there to meet me. At least it was nice to see a friend here.”</p><p>Thane could not pretend to play in her matters, but he listened.</p><p> “That’s the only good thing that came of it.” Her eyes lit as she remembered something. “Oh, but I’m a Spectre again. Maybe that will help somehow.”</p><p>“Anderson reinstated you without the rest of the Council?”</p><p>“He said my status was never formally revoked when I died. Hopefully it’ll fly under the radar for a bit.”</p><p>They passed through the crowds, inciting more looks. Whether they were directed at him or at her, he could not say. He could not break his habit of searching for threats, a curse of his profession. He appeared calm and casual, perhaps, to an onlooker, but he was always watching, thinking, calculating. He wondered if it was the same for Shepard.</p><p>
  <em>C-sec is very active here. No one suspicious…</em>
</p><p>“What’s it like being the only drell around? I somehow imagine that makes it difficult to avoid attention.”</p><p>“It is difficult at times,” he confessed, his eyes still watching as he spoke. “Some do not even recognize a drell when they see one. I have found myself on more than a few ‘unidentified creature sighting’ lists. When I’m working, I have tried to move around in public as little as possible. I might hire someone to deal with what I can’t, or cover up before going out. I <em>do </em>draw attention. Most is simple curiosity, but people take note.”</p><p>“Sometimes, I wish I could do that,” she admitted. “Just slip into the shadows and disappear for a while. Maybe you can give me some pointers.”</p><p>He would admit, that was one of his skills.</p><p>“I—”</p><p>“<em>Commander Shepard! Commander Shepard, a few questions</em>!”</p><p>Thane watched her entire demeanor change.</p><p>“Oh no…”</p><p>She did not halt in her step, pressing on. He kept pace with her, despite the incessant call that pulled at his ears.</p><p>“Someone is calling for you,” he said, not willing to glance behind them or give any indication that they heard, if that was not her wish.</p><p>“I know, keep moving,” she instructed.</p><p>“<em>You can’t run from the truth, Commander Shepard! Commander!</em>”</p><p>Shepard sighed loudly, cursing under her breath. But she stopped, turning. Thane allowed himself to turn only halfway, to observe the situation, and there he saw a face he had to search his mind for. It took him a few seconds to recover it. <em>Khalisah bint Sinan Al-Jilani.</em> She was a reporter. He had seen her show.</p><p>“Commander Shepard,” the woman addressed, taking a different tone now that she had gotten Shepard’s attention. “I wonder if you remember me.”</p><p>“I remember you,” Shepard promised. Her own tone had become intolerant.</p><p>“So it’s true. You really are back. Can I ask you a few questions?”</p><p>“So you can smear me like last time?” Not only her words, but her stance was defensive now, Thane observed.</p><p>“Now, Shepard, you may not agree with my methods, but we’re on the same side. You’re back; you’re news. I just want to give your story its due.”</p><p>She turned on the camera without Shepard’s permission. Thane was careful to avoid it, moving back behind the reporter while watching Shepard. Still, she did not seem pleased, but she held it down. It seemed she would humor the reporter.</p><p>Al-Jilani asked several complicated and albeit, pointed questions, but Shepard kept calm and handled herself well. Toward the end, the reporter tried to push Shepard into a corner, urging her to place a greater value on human life than alien life. Whichever answer she gave, she would look bad to one group or another. Thane did not know everything about Shepard’s mind or beliefs, but he knew she would not say anything of the sort.</p><p>“But surely the human cost—”</p><p>“Yes, the Alliance lost eight cruisers,” Shepard told her calmly, but there was emotion in her voice. She then proceeded to name every one of them for the camera. “I remember them<em> all</em>. Everyone in the fifth fleet is a hero. The Alliance owes them all metals. The Council owes them a lot more than that. And so do <em>you</em>.”</p><p>Shepard walked away from the interview, leaving it at that. She had pointed a finger at the Council and snubbed the reporter, and she had done it all with an air of professionalism. Thane was impressed. He had honestly not been sure if she had that in her.</p><p>He made his way around and met up with her again, catching her eye.</p><p>“Sorry about that,” she apologized.</p><p>“No need,” he assured her. “You have spoken to her before?”</p><p>“<em>Walked out</em> on her before. She tried to pry too much. Al Jilhani… one of the many banes of my existence.”</p><p>“Oh? Would you like me to remove her?”</p><p>Shepard stopped in her tracks, looked at him, her expression unreadable.</p><p>“It was a joke,” he clarified. He thought, perhaps, that she would catch it immediately.</p><p>“Really?” she asked. “Because I’m kind of thinking about it.”</p><p>Then it was his turn to freeze. If that was truly what she wanted, he would be bound to act on it, but— Her expression changed, and he thought he detected a bit of a smile. He was glad to see that she was not serious.</p><p>“I’m beginning to think we need a safe-word, Shepard.”</p><p>At that, she laughed and they fell into step once again. “I really don’t think she’s a bad person,” she confided. “She’s just…awfully pushy.”</p><p>Thane hummed, but did not share an opinion. He knew it was for the best.</p><p>“Now that I think on it, I believe I remember that newscast,” he said instead. “She did the same thing then, continually trying to press you to regard your own species higher than others. You handled it as well as you could.”</p><p>“You remember? Ugh, I wish I could forget.”</p><p>“I can’t forget,” he said. “Anything. Ever.”</p><p>Her pace slowed. She looked at him, amazed. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“Drell have perfect memories,” he said simply, as if she should have known. “We can recall any moment with perfect clarity, no matter how long ago.”</p><p>Shepard was stunned to silence. “That’s…pretty amazing.”</p><p>“Yes, it is a trait of our species.” <em>We do not have the luxury to forget, no matter how much we would like to.</em></p><p>Shepard slowed her pace and stopped. He did as she did.<br/><br/>“Do you mean you can remember exactly what I said during that interview? Word for word?”<br/><br/>“Yes. Shall I share that with you?”</p><p>Thane would not have offered that to just anyone. He kept his memories very private, but this one was of little significance to him personally. It would not hurt to share.</p><p>“Um, sure,” she said with an incredulous shrug. She did not seem to know how to respond.</p><p>Thane took himself to that memory. He had been…<br/><br/><em>“I am in the shadows. There are screens all around me, but I do not watch them. My focus is elsewhere. The screen is grainy at the edge of my vision. She speaks. ‘Ms. </em><em>Al-Jilani</em><em>, I wear the Alliance uniform, and if you think anyone other than me says where the Normandy can go, you’re sadly mistaken.’ The reporter insinuates that she works for the Council—aliens. She does not like that. ‘That’s enough,” she says. ‘End of interview.’ She is confident, even in her departure.”</em></p><p>When he came out of the memory and saw Shepard standing before him on the Citadel parkway, he noticed the look of surprise on her face.<br/><br/>“Wow, that’s... I don’t even remember it like that. I felt like I’d been kicked in the teeth that day.”<br/><br/>“It is one of your talents,” he said with admiration. “To appear so in control in front of others.”<br/><br/><em>We share that skill.</em></p><p>“Hm.”</p><p>She seemed as if she wanted to say more, perhaps about his memory, but she had not wrapped her mind around it yet. Instead, she slipped into silence on the matter.</p><p>They carried on together, walking wordlessly, side by side, and he couldn’t help thinking that it was nice to be with someone who he didn’t have to keep his guard up against constantly. He had not fully read her yet, but he was much more comfortable with her now. He still thought of how he had perceived her in the beginning, and felt guilt over it. He would not make those mistakes again.</p><p>It was not long before someone else was calling her name, but this time, it was not such a serious matter. They had walked past an advertisement kiosk, and catching a quick scan of them, it began to speak.<br/><br/>“<em>Commander Shepard, you haven’t been to ‘Sobba’s Sushi Stand’ in [error] days</em>.”<br/><br/>She stopped, and Thane mirrored her. They turned their heads as platters of colorful, neatly arranged food began to flash across the rounded screen of the kiosk column.<br/><br/>“<em>Our new menu features....”</em><br/><br/>“Oh my god,” she uttered. “I would eat the hell out of that,” she said. He was certain that she was practically salivating.<br/><br/>“I assume that means you would like it.”<br/><br/>“Huh? Yeah.” Her eyes did not break from the screen. “I used to stop by there all the time. I haven’t even thought about it since I’ve been back. Wow. Now that’s<em> all</em> I’m going to think about.”</p><p>“How much time do we have left?” he asked. He could appreciate sushi, himself. It was neat, compact, delicate. The fish and seaweed reminded him of home on Kajhe—as much as was possible.<br/><br/>“I don’t even know,” she said, activating her omnitool. “I set the time limit and I haven’t even been paying attention to it.”<br/><br/>She was strict with others but not with herself. Sometimes. Interesting.<br/><br/>“Looks like only a few minutes.” She was quiet, likely strategizing how she might get to the sushi stand and back to the Normandy in enough time that she wouldn’t be the last one back. Her reaction was slight, but he saw her make the decision. “Guess I better head back. I wouldn’t want to be the last one. No one will take me seriously next time when I set a limit.”<br/><br/>“Good point.”<br/><br/>“You don’t have to though,” she said with a smile. Had she sensed that he was thinking of food as well? “I’ll see you back on the ship.”<br/><br/>“Of course, Shepard.”<br/><br/>He watched her walk away, accurately aware that he had a bit more time than she did. Would it be too forward, he wondered, to offer her a gift? He would not want it to be misconstrued. It would be a token of appreciation, nothing more. And, just perhaps, he might win her over for another conversation.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>(A/N): This chapter has one of my favorite Thane lines. Can you guess? hehe</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Wrapped in Seaweed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“EDI, would you tell Shepard that I have something for her?” Thane requested.</p><p>“<em>Of course. Right away</em>,” EDI replied promptly, and with little emotion. He appreciated how the AI was so businesslike. He hoped it would translate to Shepard when she delivered his request.</p><p>He had brought the food into his room because there had been others dining in the mess, but he had already become unsure of his choice. It was too warm in Life Support to keep the sushi there for long, but he wondered over storing it in the mess. If she did not show up soon… After thinking it over, refrigeration would likely be best. He wasn’t sure when she would respond to his call, after all.</p><p>Thane took the bag in hand and walked around the corner to the mess. He did not let the thought that others might see him deter him from what he was doing. It was his business; not theirs. He reached the fridge, but had not yet gotten the food inside before he noticed Shepard coming around the corner from the elevator.</p><p>Once again in the same day, she was dressed differently. She was very casual now, wearing a loose-fitting gray tank top with a black camisole beneath, with her typical black leggings and boots. Shepard took her downtime seriously.</p><p>“Hey. You—” She gasped. “You <em>did not</em>.”</p><p>Her eyes were alight with the prospect when they landed on the bag with the restaurant logo on it.</p><p>“I did, but it’s all intended for me,” he told her. She froze in horror. Her human face looked strange to have been drained of all expression. At that, he had to laugh. “I’m kidding.”</p><p>Her blankness switched to a glare, as if he had just done her a terrible injustice.</p><p>“Good. I thought I might have to maul you for it.”</p><p><em>Should we do that? I wonder if you could take it from me.</em> He did not say that.</p><p>“So, you brought me food,” she said suspiciously.</p><p>“Is that not what you wanted?” he asked. “I felt you had practically left me with a blessing to go after it.”</p><p>“I’m not going to say I wasn’t still thinking about sushi when I walked away from you, but I didn’t expect you to bring me anything.” She crossed her arms, but he believed she was being playful. “What’s the catch?”</p><p>“No catch. It is a token of appreciation, Shepard.” He felt the need to say that.</p><p>“Still, I feel like I must owe you now. Hmmm.” She trailed off thoughtfully.<br/><br/>“You owe me nothing,” he assured her.<br/><br/>“Maybe.” She was lost in thought for a moment. “I’ll consider not taking you to be shot at during the next mission.”<br/><br/>“Ah, but then the waiting would be torture.”</p><p>She smiled, moving closer to observe what he had. He set the bag on the counter for her to peruse.<br/><br/>“What did you get?” she asked, digging in for the savory contents.<br/><br/>“I got what you were looking at on the ad. Seems you wanted it.”</p><p>She did not look up from the bag. “You are the <em>best</em>. I don’t care what anyone else says.”</p><p>Others had been saying things? He could assume, but—<br/><br/>“That was a joke, sorry,” she corrected. “No one is saying anything. Not to me, anyway.”</p><p>“It seems that we not only need a safe-word, but to work on our reception of each other’s humor,” he mused.</p><p>She laughed again and smiled, showing her teeth. She had such small teeth, he noticed, but he understood that when she showed them like this, there was no way she was being serious.</p><p>“Maybe. I’ll get right on that.”</p><p>“As will I,” he promised in jest.</p><p>She popped a sushi roll into her mouth with her fingers—and then her body did something strange. She smiled as she chewed and scrunched her shoulders, then bounced on her heels a couple of times. He was very confused.<br/><br/>“What was that expression?” he asked.<br/><br/>“Hm?” She looked surprised, as if she hadn’t even been aware she had done it. “I guess that was...my ‘yummy sushi dance’.”<br/><br/>“Is that a human thing?” he asked, bewildered. Every species had their customs, even down to family systems with different traditions. He’d had a few of those in his own house.<br/><br/>She shrugged. “It’s a <em>Shepard</em> thing.”<br/><br/>“Ah.”<br/><br/>“Come on,” she teased, nudging him with her elbow. “You don’t do anything like that?”<br/><br/>“Hm, no. I have striven to be in control of my body at all times.”<br/><br/>“You never get excited?” she asked. “Never see a new sniper rifle that really gets you going?”</p><p><em>Excited? No, I do not allow myself that anymore.</em><br/><br/>“Not that I am willing to show,” he said. “It benefits me to be blank.”<br/><br/>“I guess that’s true.” Then after a thought: “You should work on that too.”</p><p>He smiled shortly. That was not the first time he had been told that.</p><p>“Let’s eat. You’ll join me, right?” she requested.</p><p>“If you will share.”</p><p>“I will, but I may fight you for the last piece,” she warned. There was a challenge in her voice.</p><p>“I know better than to fight a woman over food.”</p><p>“Do you?” she asked curiously, but he would not elaborate.</p><p>“Does every man not eventually learn that lesson?”</p><p>Shepard smiled with approval. “If not, they should.”</p><p>They trailed back to Life Support without mentioning it, away from the noisy chatter in the mess. Perhaps she had sensed that he enjoyed the quiet. Maybe she enjoyed it as well.</p><p>“Do you like sushi too?” she asked him once they were inside and settling themselves at the table.</p><p>“I do. It reminds me of some of the flavors I might experience back on Kahje.”</p><p>“What do drell eat normally?” she asked with interest. “I can’t say I’ve ever seen a restaurant that catered specifically to drell.”</p><p>“Likely, they would go out of business,” Thane said. “But we can eat what humans and asari eat. As far as cuisine, it has begun to consist of marine life and plants that can be grown or harvested from the sea. As far as what my ancestors fed from on Rakhana, I cannot say. I suppose it is no longer relevant.”</p><p>“No hopes of the drell going back there one day?” she asked, pulling chopsticks from a wrapper.</p><p>“Perhaps it might be settled again. I do not know. It is devoid of resources. I am not sure what other species would want it.”</p><p>“I’m sorry to hear that.” He observed her expression. She appeared to mean it.</p><p>“Do not be, Shepard. The hanar delivered those of us that they could support. They showed us mercy, and we are grateful. That is the way the universe flows. We would be extinct if not.”</p><p>She was quiet, poking at a piece of sushi. “That’s really a terrifying thought. To contemplate extinction.”</p><p>He had not thought much on it himself. These were merely facts. He could not change the past. The only extinction he had ever contemplated was his own.</p><p>“Do not think of it, Shepard,” he encouraged her. “Some cultures make their own problems, while some are encroached upon by unwelcome forces. And then that is why there are people like you, fighting to make sure as few die from outside sources as possible.”</p><p>“Yeah, you’re right.” She shook her head as if to shake the thought away. “Thanks for that.”</p><p>“Of course.”</p><p>She put another piece of sushi in her mouth, chewing slowly to savor the light taste. He wondered if she would dance again.</p><p>“If you ever get tired of me asking all these questions about your culture and species, just let me know.”</p><p>“I do not mind sharing with you, Shepard. I will entertain your questions.”</p><p>She swallowed. “Well, if I cross a line, be sure to say so.”</p><p>“I will do that,” he promised.</p><p>Together, they worked their way through the sushi plate, commenting on their favorite types. There were only a couple of pieces left, and Thane had given up on the fight for the rest. He felt she was eating almost absently without thinking about how much she’d had, but he let her without fuss.</p><p>“Whew, that was really good,” she said, leaning back in the chair. “It hit the spot.”</p><p>“I’m glad you enjoyed it,” he said genuinely.</p><p>She observed him a moment from a lowered face. What was she thinking?</p><p>“I’ll still be wondering how to pay you back,” she said, refusing to let it go.</p><p>He held up a hand. “Truly, there is no need. You are always about your business, but you do not follow your own advice.”</p><p>“My own advice?” she questioned. “What advice, exactly?”</p><p>“The idea that not all else frivolous,” he reminded her. “That one should stop to ‘smell the roses’, from time to time.”</p><p>She smiled as he brought that back to the front of her mind. “I’m glad you remembered that—or… I’m glad that was significant to you. Maybe there’s hope for you yet.”</p><p>“Perhaps.” He was not sure if she was right, but he felt that he was slowly being affected by her.</p><p>“Well, thanks again,” she said, pushing back the chair to stand at the same time he did as well. “I’ll clean this up.”</p><p>“No, Shepard, allow me.”</p><p>They both reached for the containers at once, their hands brushing, to which—he found—neither of them flinched or pulled away. But of course, their touch did not linger.</p><p>“You’ve done more than enough,” she said. “I’ll just take it on my way out. No trouble at all.”</p><p>He nodded, feeling that there was no reason to fight this fight. “As you wish.”  </p><p>He sat back down as Shepard gathered the trash back into the bag. She smiled at him on her way by as she departed with it.</p><p>He was left alone once again, the warmth of her hand lingering on his.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. A Game of Memory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The frequency of missions had been increasing as their team grew. Often, there were many hours or days of travel between locations, but Shepard kept their schedule full.</p><p>Thane spent his downtime meditating, fussing over his guns, polishing his knives, practicing his form, but his mind played over thoughts of Shepard. Perhaps the Normandy had been the safest place he had been in many years—other than home—and yet he was restless here. He reminded himself of the mission, but not even that possessed him as much as this one who had shaken him to his core.</p><p>The moments between the times he was able to speak with her were mere distractions. He would see this mission through to its end, to whatever awaited him there, but he had vowed to do one other thing before death claimed him: he must know why she had been placed in his path. Had it simply been to call him to this cause? Possibly, but he didn’t know if he believed that.</p><p>There was something—something about her that he could not place.</p><p>He had settled himself to meditate, sinking down into the darkest parts of his mind—<em>I follow him down the alley, shadows laced together like fingers. He doesn’t notice me. I gain ground, walking faster, silent. I come up behind him, wrap my hands around his neck before he realizes</em>—when his door chimed and he snapped back. What timing. Could it have been mere coincidence?</p><p>He allowed the door to open, and he heard Shepard move into the room. Of course it was her. She always seemed to know when he was slipping into the dark.</p><p>“I have a game for you,” she said. She moved to the chair across from him immediately. He was glad to see that she felt comfortable enough to do so.</p><p>She was wearing a black tracksuit with red and white stripes along the sides. More and more, Shepard proved she was all about the casual.</p><p>“A game?”</p><p>“Yep.” She pulled a slip of paper from her pocket and unfolded it. She flashed it in front of him for only an instant, and then slammed it down on the table, hiding it beneath her palm.</p><p>“What number was on that paper?”</p><p>He might have told her, but he had not exactly seen it, only that it was very long, scrawled in hurried, spontaneous handwriting.</p><p>“Well, you actually have to let me look at it,” he said, reaching for the sheet. He pulled it from beneath her hand, brushing her fingers with his, and drew the paper back. He looked at it, read through the number quickly, and gave it back.</p><p>“Very well. I accept the challenge,” he agreed.</p><p>“Okay go,” she said, examining the paper herself to make sure he was correct.</p><p>Thane began to repeat it at a steady pace, exactly as he had read. The number was twenty-three digits, and he guessed that the only thing that might hinder him was her scrawling handwriting.</p><p>“Holy shit…” she cursed once they had checked off each number one by one.</p><p>“Does that impress you?” he asked, amused by her ‘game’.</p><p>“I mean, I didn’t even remember it and I wrote it.” She looked disappointed with herself, but he did not think it was genuine. “I guess that really comes in handy when you need to remember passcodes or floor layouts for a job.”</p><p>“Certainly. I can remember passcodes and layouts for buildings that don’t even exist anymore.”  </p><p>She tossed her head back and laughed in amazement. He liked the look of her when she did that. Many humans were not inclined to this mannerism. He understood it on a certain level. It was carefree, trusting. <em>Vulnerable</em>. It was inviting.</p><p>“You know, I think most human relationship problems could probably be solved if we had memory capabilities like drell do. Fights often come off the back of the famous excuse ‘I forgot’.”</p><p>He smiled, amused by her joke. “A perfect memory doesn’t keep things from ‘slipping the mind’, from time to time, as humans might say. The memories are there to be recovered, but one must be conscious of them. There is still a search for a certain moment, or perhaps a memory might surface without provocation. Humans sometimes do that as well, I think.”</p><p>“Some humans have eidetic memories, but it’s very rare. I’ve never met one. Most of the time when that happens vividly for us, it’s some form of PTSD.”</p><p>“I believe I’ve heard of that.”</p><p>“It can happen to any of us, but it’s common among soldiers. Unfortunately, getting lost in a memory like that is always negative. Nothing nice to be had there.”</p><p>That was a shame, he thought. At certain points in his life, reliving the good memories was the only thing that kept him sane.</p><p>
  <em>If I am that.</em>
</p><p>“You seem to know quite a bit about humans,” she mused. “A shame I don’t know as much about drell.”</p><p>Humans? Yes, he had studied them. He was as familiar with her species as he was with others he had targeted in the past. He had to know how they acted, how they thought, common beliefs and motivations. All the better to catch them off guard in order to take their life.</p><p>But that would not make for polite conversation.</p><p>“You will learn if you wish to, Shepard,” he assured her. “I will explain what I can.”</p><p>Once again they delved into the history of his race, and of his own. They spoke of his religion, the old gods, and she listened intently to all of it. She never seemed to judge him, even though she did get a bit up in arms when she learned that he had begun his training under the Compact at a mere six years old.</p><p>“They took you from your family and began training you when you were <em>six</em>?” she asked, aghast.</p><p>“I was given under the Compact. For my family, it was an honor.”</p><p>“That’s unacceptable,” she said bluntly. “Who would do that? Who would give their child away to—<em>that</em>? And what monster would take them?”</p><p>Ah, that fire. He had seen it flare in her before. He felt he could understand her reaction.</p><p>“I do not know what my family felt when they gave me to the Compact, though I am certain that the honor outweighed their personal feelings. The hanar likewise regretted their need for me. But I was an investment for them. I was not to be used up and thrown away.”</p><p>“You were a<em> child</em>, not an<em> ‘investment’</em>.”</p><p>He could have expressed anger at her in return, but he did not feel any hostility toward her anymore. That had faded for him. He did not believe, after all, that she was upset with him right now.</p><p>“You misunderstand,” he said, taking no offense to her outburst. “I was an investment, yes, but they valued me. Not only as a resource, but as a person. They regretted their need for me.”</p><p>Shepard quieted, but there was a look on her face that promised it did not sit well. Instead of pondering over her quietly, he decided to voice his thoughts.</p><p>“You seem specifically disturbed by injustices against the young and the perceived helpless. Is that natural for you?” </p><p>“Yeah,” she agreed. “You really want to piss me off: target the weak, the helpless, the innocent. I hate it when people try to take advantage of others.”</p><p>“And that is why you fight?” he supposed. They had never talked about why she had become a solider, or why she had pressed so hard in her goals. What were her motivations?</p><p>“Someone has to stand up,” she said. “Might as well be me.”</p><p>“But you are not just anyone. You are exceptional, Shepard. Your drive—your belief—puts others to shame.”</p><p>She huffed out a little laugh. Was she flattered? It did not hurt for her to know his growing admiration for her.</p><p>“When I was young—I wasn’t as young as you when I…’lost my innocence’, I guess—but my colony, Mindoir, was attacked by batarian slavers. They took everyone of value, killed the rest. I was the only one left behind. I killed someone that day, for the first time. I beat him over the head until he died. I was sixteen. I really only regret that he was the only one I killed. I saved myself and hid until it was quiet. I didn’t know what else to do.”</p><p>So, the stories about her were true. Thane did not comment, letting her speak. </p><p>“I forgive myself for it,” she went on. “I was young, scared. But after that, I promised myself that I would never hide again. I would save everyone that I could, even if I died in the process.”</p><p>She turned her eyes back to him, coming out of her memory. It was interesting to watch her.</p><p>“How old were you when you made your first kill?” she asked him.</p><p>“I was twelve,” he admitted easily.</p><p>
  <em>His face pressed against the ground, bloody. I had beaten him to death. It was not as clean as I would have liked. Still. My first success.</em>
</p><p>“Still a child,” she commented, but her tone had cooled.</p><p>“So were you, by most laws,” he pointed out.</p><p>She sank back down in the chair across from him, her restlessness having faded a bit. “I don’t like to think about how things might have been different. Sure, there’s the one possibility that my parents hadn’t died, but there’s also the other where I might have been enslaved. Or killed.”</p><p>“You are a survivor, Shepard. It is a talent.”</p><p>“Maybe,” she sighed. “Sometimes, it’s a burden.”</p><p>“I know the feeling,” he said, and their eyes met. They simply looked into each other’s eyes for a moment, blank and connected. He wondered if she was about to ask him about this, or if he would have told her if she had, but the moment was interrupted, as it so often was, by EDI, calling for Shepard’s attention.</p><p>She left him after excusing herself, and he was once against left alone with his thoughts, left to replay their conversation in its entirety, analyzing every word.</p><p>He wondered, if they had truly gone uninterrupted by some urgent matter, what they might have been free to talk about. Perhaps they would solve each other’s mysteries and ease each other’s minds. He would like to believe that. Shepard had a way of making him feel…accepted. Not in the beginning, no, but now—now they were beginning to understand each other.</p><p>He was surprised that the thought made him feel joyful and a bit warm inside. He had felt nothing like that in many years. He had not been able to feel satisfaction in growing close to another person in a decade or better.</p><p>Shepard…was slowly becoming a friend.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Tea for the Soul</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A/N: Everyone has their own version of Shepard, and many have given her a unique first name as well. I try not to harp on it too much in this story because I sort of want the reader to envision Shepard as they want to most of the time, but mine has her own details as well. In this chapter, some of that is discussed, and her name is revealed. But then I mostly shut up about it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The tea was still steeping. The aroma was soft and warm, delicate. Just as he remembered. The steam wafted about, encouraging memories.</p><p><em>She points through the dusty air. I can barely see her eyes past the helmet, but she meets mine.<br/><br/>“That’s how we get in,” she says.<br/><br/>But that entrance is covered in Reaper scouts. My own mind wants to take me around, to find a way to avoid instead of engage. There is no way this can go well or that we will all be unscathed, but I follow her. Trust? Perhaps. I let my doubts sink down, allowing my body to act.<br/><br/>Shepard shoulders her way through, gaining ground with her shots, until finally we reach the door. The last of the opposition are falling, dissolving into winds.<br/><br/>She said we would get through. And we do.</em><br/><br/>Thane still could not comprehend this woman. He knew she had built a career out of doing the impossible, but to see it in action was an entirely different experience. He was certain that the gods favored her, for how could a human with no particular powers manage what she was consistently able to do? She was not a biotic. She did not rely heavily on tech. She was simply a human woman with an incredible will.<br/><br/>The answer that he continually came away with was simply: she is Shepard.<br/><br/>She was temperamental, difficult to predict. But she was also compassionate, understanding. She was spectacular in her wrath and loving in her mercy. She was a calm sea. She was a hurricane.<br/><br/>And he could not stop seeking her.</p><p>He would hope to be brought along on excursions, just for the opportunity to watch her work, think, act. He secretly hoped that each time a mission was presented, he would be chosen to stand at her side, to guide her path, to watch her back. He was often asked, but not always. Sometimes she felt she might need someone to scout ahead, and he was a prime candidate for that. Or if she needed a sniper. When she assembled a team, the number of members varied—though she seemed to favor three. Sometimes he was chosen to go. Other times, he was made to sit and wait.</p><p>Now was one of those times. But he was not the only one.</p><p>Shepard had taken on an assignment alone, on the planet of Sinmara, where she’d been charged with reactivating the shields on a research station there so that it would not be destroyed by the heat and cosmic rays of a nearby unstable host star. The planet was uninhabitable, and Shepard had not feared combat, so she had not taken a team with her. Still, he wondered over that, even though he always worked alone, himself. Sometimes, especially with Shepard, things did not go as expected. At least she had been monitored continually. Thane would not say that he was nervous for her ascent, but he had felt better when EDI had announced that she had returned to the ship.</p><p>The tea continued to steep.</p><p>Behind Thane in the mess, a small group had gathered at a table. Garrus, Tali’Zora, and Kasumi had settled there together, nestled amidst other members of the human crew that Thane was not familiar with.   </p><p>“I heard you saw Liara on Illium,” Tali said, her voice reverberating through her helmet. “How is she?”</p><p>“Busy,” Garrus replied.</p><p>“She couldn’t be persuaded to join the Normandy?”</p><p>“She had some other things going on that she couldn’t break away from. Working for the Shadow Broker, or, well, <em>repaying</em> the Shadow Broker.”</p><p>“Who is Liara?” Kasumi asked curiously.</p><p>“Dr. Liara T’soni. An asari historian. Prothean expert,” Garrus explained. “She was with us in the fight against Saren.”</p><p>“She’s a very calm person,” Tali commented. “I always enjoyed talking with her. Though, if I might say so, very different from Shepard.”</p><p>The sound of the name rang in Thane’s ears. He tuned in a bit more to the conversation.</p><p>“Definitely, but maybe that drew them closer. You know, I can’t help but wonder if she still has a thing for the Commander,” Garrus said thoughtfully. “Do you think that just went away, or…?”</p><p>“Holding out for something, Garrus?” Tali teased.</p><p>“No, no, nothing like that. I just always thought they were…cute together.”</p><p>“You know that’s not how it went.”</p><p>“No, no,” Kasumi interrupted. “I want to hear.”</p><p>Perhaps the conversation might have continued, but they grew quiet for a moment, and then their conversation slipped to other things. While Thane’s mind had taken note of what they had said, he had decided at that point that the subject was none of his business. Shepard’s romantic interest was certainly not his concern. No, of course not.</p><p>He stared down at the cup before him, watching the steam, and let his mind slip away.</p><p>
  <em>She leans over the counter, frustrated. ‘Another failure,’ she says. ‘I was so close this time’. She is always so hard on herself concerning her work. That is something we have in common. I put a hand on her shoulder, my fingers brushing the exposed scales near her collar. ‘You’ll succeed, I know. You’re brilliant and irrepressible.’ ‘And beautiful?’ she asks teasingly, snapping out of her mood. ‘That goes without saying,’ I tell her. ‘Let me make you some tea.’</em>
</p><p>He had become lost in that memory as he stood there, like so many others that were too strong to ignore.</p><p>Then, a voice.</p><p>“That smells nice.”</p><p>Thane would hate to admit that Shepard had snuck up on him, but he had been too deeply in thought to have been aware of her. If this had been a different circumstance, he may have been dead, but he would never allow himself the luxury of passivity if he were not aboard the Normandy.</p><p>Now he understood why the conversation behind him had gone quiet. Shepard had approached, and they dared not continue in her presence.</p><p>He turned to see her standing fairly close, looking over his shoulder at what he was doing.</p><p>“It’s the tea I picked up from the Citadel,” he explained. “Would you like some, Shepard? It is safe for human consumption.”</p><p>“Not usually a big tea-drinker, but sure. I’ll try some.”</p><p>The other three had cleared the mess, as if Shepard’s presence had reminded them that they should get back to work. He lifted a mug and poured the steaming water, placing the delicate teabag inside. He prepared tea for her as she waited nearby. It felt oddly domestic.</p><p>“How was the mission?” he asked.</p><p>“It’s strange, at this point, to be out in the field by myself,” she told him.</p><p>“Perhaps we can all do something together next time,” Thane suggested with a smirk.</p><p>“Now there’s an idea,” she seconded with a smile.</p><p>He could feel her eyes on him, but he carried on with what he was doing as if she were not watching. He was precise in his movements, deliberate in everything, always. In fact, those were traits he had been tested for when he was young, even then to see if he would be fit to serve under the Compact.</p><p>Once done with her tea, he slid the mug toward her.<br/><br/>“Thank you, Thane,” she said, and his ears hummed.<br/><br/>He realized that she had once called him ‘Krios’, but she had now transitioned to calling him by his first name. It was more personal. No doubt that things had changed between them. He did not mind; no, not at all. He was merely surprised.</p><p>There were others in the mess, and though they were not chatting loudly, he would have much preferred to have her to himself. Here, he felt that they might be interrupted at any time. It was like before, when they had shared sushi.</p><p>“Will you join me, Shepard?” He awaited her answer, coaxing himself to accept that she might be too busy—</p><p>“Sure, I’ve got some time.” This pleased him. He felt his throat hum with contentment.</p><p>“After you.”</p><p>They walked out of the mess with their cups, past the elevator and back to Life Support. They settled themselves in their usual seats without having to discuss it. He liked how routine it seemed by now.</p><p>Shepard took a sip from her cup, and he watched her as she assessed the flavor. No doubt their sense of taste differed.</p><p>“There’s some sweetness there,” she commented.</p><p>“Yes, I taste that as well. It is an indulgence.”</p><p>She smiled softly, and he observed her expression as she closed her eyes and savored the aroma. She looked so relaxed in that moment, carefree. Thane could not help but feel that he had brought that to her.</p><p><em>Her eyes close. She is no longer looking, searching. Her mouth smiles, the heat from the brew turning the ridges of her cheeks pink.</em><br/><br/>“There is something I was just thinking of,” he said as a start.<br/><br/>“What’s that?” She peered at him over the top of her cup, steam rising around her features.<br/><br/>“It occurs to me that I don’t know you by any name other than ‘Shepard’. You have another, I imagine.”<br/><br/>She paused a moment. Considering? Perhaps it was not fair of him to ask. He had noticed that many on the ship, particularly military, called each other by their last names only. Yet there were others whom she called by their first names. Garrus, Tali, and now she had called him by his name. It was less formal, more intimate. And yet she was only Shepard.<br/><br/>“Well, it’s not as if it’s a secret. I just… I usually use my initials when I can. But it’s <em>Aurora</em>,” she said finally. “Aurora...Dawn. I know! It’s terrible. My parents got a little carried away. I guess they thought they were being clever. I should probably have had it changed to ‘<em>Jane</em>’ or something normal like that.”<br/><br/><em>Aurora Dawn</em>. He thought It sounded...<em>pretty</em>. Though, being the sort of woman she was, he suspected that ‘pretty’ was not the reputation that she hoped would precede her.<br/><br/>“Does it have meaning?” he asked.<br/><br/>“It’s basically two words that mean the same thing. The aurora; the dawn; first light of day. Mom and dad were really intent that I should never garner any respect.”<br/><br/>She was belittling herself, but Thane was stuck on a thought—of how he had once been obsessed with the setting sun, and yet now he had a reason to appreciate the idea of a dawning day.<br/><br/><em>New events. New life.</em> Yet another sign to him.<br/><br/>“On the other hand, I do share a name with a goddess,” she added.<br/><br/>“Oh yes?” Even more intriguing.<br/><br/>“Aurora was the Roman goddess of sunrise. I suppose there’s power in that.”<br/><br/>“Most definitely,” he agreed. “<em>Aurora</em>,” he said thoughtfully, feeling the fondness as it rolled off his tongue.</p><p>When he glanced at her, she was looking at him with an expression he could not interpret. It was certainly not distaste, but…</p><p>“Don’t worry. I will still call you Shepard.”<br/><br/>She huffed out a sound of relief. “Thank you.”<br/><br/>“So humans have been polytheistic as well?” he asked, sipping tea in the quiet room.<br/><br/>“Some groups throughout time. Maybe some still are; I’m not sure. I know about the Ancient Greek and Roman gods, but those beliefs slipped for most.”<br/><br/>“Ancient. How long ago?”<br/><br/>She shook her head. “3000 years or something? Earth has many different religions. Some have been lost.”</p><p>“Yes, I have read about some of your religions. Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity. I find that many principles do make sense to me. There are so many ways to interpret one’s place in the universe.”<br/><br/>“There are. It’s difficult to know what’s true.”<br/><br/>“One has to find that on their own. Though perhaps the mere belief makes it relevant.”<br/><br/>“Maybe,” she said, taking another sip of tea. “What made you adopt your beliefs?”<br/><br/>“They made sense to me above others. To know that my ancestors who were certainly more worldly and wiser than I, had carried these beliefs. Aside from that, it was something I could have for myself, separate from my role to the hanar. I suppose also it was the influence of my biological family. My mother told me that holding to the traditional beliefs of our people kept us as our own, even though we relied on another species for life.”<br/><br/>And then, before he had known it, he was describing a memory to her.</p><p>
  <em>“She pulls me into her lap in front of the console. Her smell is like spice. Warm. She shows me slides of Rakhana, the vast desert. I see ruins, all much older than I can fathom. It is the only time I have ever seen it—in holos.”</em>
</p><p>When he stopped, he cleared his throat, worried about how that had seemed to her. She did not react, however. He wondered if it had not seemed too out of place.<br/><br/>“Many drell have now adopted the beliefs of the hanar or asari, or place more faith in science—in the minds of mortals,” he went on. “They no longer need to believe in the wisdom of our ancestors, but I suppose that is their choice. Are you spiritual yourself, Shepard? I have not asked.”<br/><br/>“I’m not sure,” she responded, and he wondered how she could not know. “I’ve thought about those things. But...different events push me to different conclusions.”<br/><br/>He was curious, but was not sure he should press. One’s spiritual belief was very personal, and a rocky subject, but she did not seem to be offended. She was always with an open mind.<br/><br/>“I think that if someone has found faith, it’s wonderful. I respect it. I once had a lieutenant who was very religious,” she said, looking at the table, lost in thought. “She told me that witnessing the size of the universe sometimes made people lose their faith, but to see it in such a large scale only strengthened hers. She was uncompromising. I respected that about her.”<br/><br/>“You were friends?”<br/><br/>“Williams,” she said, calling her name. “Ashley. We didn’t always see eye to eye, but yes, she was a friend. A good soldier.”<br/><br/>“You said ‘was’.”</p><p>Shepard turned even more somber at that. “She made the ultimate sacrifice. On Virmire. She was willing; I don’t doubt. Like any soldier would be. But it was still a choice on my part. I...wanted to save them both.”<br/><br/>Both? Again, he wanted to ask, but the matter seemed sensitive. He would accept it if she offered it, but he would not pry.<br/><br/>“Sometimes I wonder why I have to be the one making these decisions.  I know it’s my job, but I’m supposed to be impartial, logical, make the best choice. To not let <em>personal</em> feelings creep into the matter. But I don’t think that’s ever possible. There is always something to pull me one way or the other. I’m only human.” She looked up quickly, meeting his gaze. “As if that means anything to you. Sorry.”<br/><br/>“‘Only human’ is merely an expression. But I understand what you mean to say. We all have our weaknesses, Shepard. We must only make the best choice, whether for ourselves or for those around us.”</p><p><em>I tried to make the best choice for my family, for my son. I still believe that I did, toward him. I cannot change it.</em><br/><br/>“Sometimes, there is no good choice,” she uttered, her arms crossed on the tabletop, her brow creased with thought.</p><p>Perhaps he would have agreed with that. He had certainly not made the best choices in his life. He now believed he had only made selfish ones. But he could not sink down into despair. Shepard had lost herself to her own, had pulled away from him. He would try to bring her back.<br/><br/>“Others perceive you to be strong,” he said gently. “They rely on you to make the decisions because of their own weaknesses. It is easy to shy from responsibility. But when you must bear it, it is a different matter.”<br/><br/>“Yeah...”</p><p>That had not been quite enough. “For what it’s worth, I trust your judgement, Shepard. Perhaps not always your methods...”</p><p>He’d meant it as a joke, and when he looked up, she was smiling just a little.<br/><br/>“Aggressive and noisy is kind of my MO,” she said. “What would you think if I just sat here and stared at you, never saying a word?”</p><p>She leaned toward him across the table, peering at him with exaggerated interest.<br/><br/>“I would hope you wouldn’t do that. I enjoy our conversations, Shepard.”<br/><br/>Her face lifted a bit more at that. She looked pleased.<br/><br/>“Me too,” she agreed.<br/><br/>It took him a moment to realize that they were smiling at each other, lost in a moment all their own. This was a memory that he would hold, and no one else was around to see. Thane found himself so pleased that a song began to form in his throat. He believed it was too low for her to hear, and so he did not try to stop it—until she blinked, tilting her head just slightly.<br/><br/>“Are you—”<br/><br/>“<em>Commander Shepard, Joker requests your presence on the bridge.</em>”<br/><br/>Thane had only begun to feel uncertain when EDI had interrupted the moment. He could not say he wasn’t thankful.<br/><br/>“Duty calls,” she said, rising, the other matter forgotten—or, overlooked. “Thanks for the tea. It was good.”<br/><br/>Truth told, they had both neglected their drinks as they had begun their conversation.<br/><br/>“We’ll share a cup again sometime,” he offered, hopeful for some sort of agreement on her part. Shepard lingered by the chair, looking down at him with a smile.<br/><br/>“Definitely,” she said.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Bullets with Names</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(A/N): Everyone loves how polite Thane is, how sensitive and thoughtful he can be. It’s easy to get wrapped up in that side of him, especially with Shepard, but I wanted to be sure not to forget what he is capable of. Every once in a while, we’ll see a glimpse of the dark side, just to remind that it’s there.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Memories… Harsh indicators of a person’s ill-spent life. Nearing the end, what is left but to review the best and worst of them all, even those that have been buried deep?</em>
</p><p>In his search through his memories, Thane had found two, vastly different, yet they were almost mirrored as he considered them. Sometimes, his mind was allowed to consider more than one memory simultaneously, and he found himself skipping back and forth between them, observing their differences. Perhaps it was a dangerous practice, easier to get lost, but he could not help himself.</p><p>The contrast was stark.<br/><br/><em>Irikah... She comes closer to me, her hands reaching, her flesh against mine. I have never experienced such a raw desire coursing through me...<br/><br/>I go closer to my batarian captive, his flesh mangled and striped with blows. I have never experienced such hatred...such cold loathing… ‘Who are you?’ he demands. ‘What the fuck do you want?’<br/><br/>‘Tell me what you want,’ I say softly, caressing her hips. ‘Only you,’ she whispers. I am gentle, sweeter than I have ever known myself to be. My body melds into hers, and then—<br/><br/>My blade slides into his gut, probing, twisting. I am not gentle, ripping him to pieces with precision. Then I will tear out his heart…like he tore out mine that day when he killed her.<br/><br/>Or bodies are one, moving perfectly together. She cries out in pleasure.<br/><br/>He screams in agony.<br/><br/>I love her.<br/><br/>I hate them for what they did to her. What they took from me.<br/></em><br/>Justice? Revenge? His reasons for killing them were many. What they had done had been a personal attack against him. He had killed them because they could not be allowed to get away with what they had done. Because men like them should not exist to do so unto others. Yet still, the acts he had performed on them still haunted him.<br/><br/><em>Arashu, I pray once again for your forgiveness for killing your children. For the wickedness of my heart.</em><br/><br/>And yet he could not fully regret it. Perhaps that was his true sin. Could one have forgiveness for something they were not sorry for?<br/><br/>He’d had a bullet for every one of them, bearing their names. He wondered that if he had confessed all of this to Shepard, whether she would understand, or whether she would hate him.</p><p>He thought back to a conversation he’d had with her recently. Perhaps it had been the events preceding that which had set him on this path of recollection.</p><p><em>Her fingers tap lightly against the table. The reactor looms behind her, a source of power no greater than she is. I wonder if it is the cause of the electricity between us.</em><br/><br/>“I wanted to ask you something,” Thane started.<br/><br/>“What’s that?” Shepard asked, ever gracious.<br/><br/>They were sitting across from each other in Life Support, as had become usual for them. Thane had found that she regularly took time out to speak to other members of the team, so he had no reason to feel strange for taking too much of her time or for even requesting her company. But if there was one thing that was true about the crew of the Normandy—other than the fact that they were some of the most dangerous people in the galaxy—it was that they were serious in their <em>gossip</em>. It was a small ship with many people on it, to be fair, and not much happened that everyone didn’t know about sooner or later. Personal missions, while Shepard tried to be discreet about the details, always found their way around to the common ear.<br/><br/>Thane did not try to pry, per se, but it was difficult not to overhear. He had become interested in some of the things he had heard, not because of the circumstances they entailed, but because of Shepard’s actions.<br/><br/>Without fail, these tales always included something about Shepard. Her role was often bigger than that of the one who had requested her help.<br/><br/>“I’ve overheard some things recently, and I’m curious,” he said, folding his hands. “Some of the team have asked you for help with personal matters, but the stories that follow them seem to have you making vastly different decisions. I wonder if you might explain your process. I do not wish to judge you,” he clarified. “I’m merely interested.”<br/><br/>“What specifically?” she asked, entertaining him.<br/><br/>“In instances that seem to be a question of justice,” Thane explained. “Garrus had expressed a desire to hunt down someone who betrayed him and his team. Mordin asked you to help liberate a former student, who then turned out to not have been kidnapped at all.”</p><p>“You’re well-informed.”</p><p>“It is not difficult to hear things. But to the point: you let Garrus carry out his revenge on his target, and yet you did not allow Mordin to end his former student once he found out about his misdeeds. I wonder how that was different to you.”</p><p>She was quiet for several moments, perhaps considering why this had come to his attention, but he could not read her thoughts, as much as he wished to. Perhaps she would refuse to answer his question now that he had heard it, but eventually, she spoke.<br/><br/>“Different people need different things,” she explained. “That’s why I like to get to know my people. I need to know what they value and what they need—what will keep them at their best. I need to be able to determine what will relieve them and what will haunt them. We’re all going through a lot with this mission, and we’ll go through a hell of a lot more. If someone has a personal issue that’s nagging at them, I need to help them resolve that.”</p><p>“I see,” Thane said eagerly. “Please continue.”</p><p>“Garrus is…” she paused, mulling it over. “He has picked up a lot from me—from our time against Saren. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that when he makes a decision, he wonders what I would choose. The thing is, I don’t always know what I will chose until I’m in the moment. Sometimes, that’s all the time I have to make a decision.’</p><p>“For his situation, I understood where Garrus was coming from. When you’re a leader, you have to be in control of your team. You have to trust them like they trust you, and when one of them betrays you, it’s personal. Garrus had a responsibility to his team, and though he didn’t pull the trigger, they were killed on his watch, because one of their own betrayed them. Therefore, the issue is his problem to correct. That’s the way a soldier understands it. Civilians might think differently. It can’t be undone, but it had to be righted. I would have done the same.”</p><p>Thane was more and more intrigued as he listened to her. Truly, her mind was fascinating. The ways she used logic to absolve her of guilt was almost as masterful as the way he did it. Listening to her speak, he could not detect any regret. He wondered if that was a lie.<br/><br/>“For Mordin, it was different,” she went on. “He has never been afraid to do what needs to be done, even if that means taking a life. He uses logic to convince himself that it’s the only way. Like Garrus, he considered his student’s misdeeds to be his responsibility, and he was ready to do what he thought was necessary. But for him, that wasn’t the answer. Though Mordin approaches everything with logic, there was a personal connection. Have you heard him talk about his nephew? He’s very proud. I suspect he had felt that way about his young student. The youth was on the wrong path. He could be righted.”<br/><br/>“Even though he was also responsible for death?”<br/><br/>“The krogan subjects of his experiments were willing. He was acting toward a cause he thought was worthy—to cure the genophage—but he went about it the wrong way. He needed to stop, and we got him to do that. He was zealous, but he didn’t kill with intention or malice. He didn’t deserve to die—not by Mordin’s gun, anyway. It’ll be Maelon’s job to deal with his own guilt after the fact.’</p><p>“In these situations, despite my personal feelings, my focus is on my teammate and what they need. For Garrus, it was relief. To stop him would have disrupted his sense of duty. For Mordin, killing his student would have haunted him. They can both move on now.”</p><p>“And with that, your conscience is also clear,” he confirmed.<br/><br/>“Yes,” she said with resolve. “Sometimes people don’t know what they need. They think they do, but their judgement is clouded by their current emotions. They aren’t looking into the future to think how they will feel later. If they can’t do that sort of thinking, I have to do it for them.”</p><p>As she had said about Garrus, Shepard felt responsible for the people under her command. Thane might even go so far as to guess that she felt the need to nurture and guide them as a mentor.  <br/><br/>“Interesting,” he said simply.</p><p>“Sometimes they want me to make these choices for them. Sometimes, they don’t know I’m doing it.”</p><p>Friendly manipulation, was it? Thane would have to consider that later. He would review their conversations to look for clues of how she might have been doing the same to him.</p><p>“Fascinating,” he murmured.<br/><br/>“You’re making a lot of one-word comments,” she said doubtfully, crossing her arms. “Can I ask for your thoughts?”<br/><br/>“I have none,” he said simply, giving a little shrug. “I merely wondered. Thank you for explaining.”<br/><br/>She regarded him with skepticism. “Really? No opinion at all? No judgment?”<br/><br/>“What good would it do for me to have an opinion?” he asked. “The choices have been made.”</p><p>She continued to look him over, uncertain. He wondered how he might make her believe it.<br/><br/>“Either you’re mocking me, or you really are truly neutral,” she accused.<br/><br/>“It does not benefit me to have an opinion on decisions you make—at a point. I merely work for you. It is business.”</p><p>“Business,” she repeated, her eyes searching in thought. “Has it all been business?”</p><p>His thoughts shifted rapidly. What was her meaning? What did she wish for him to say? He supposed, instead of considering that, he should simply be honest. Could he be honest with her?</p><p>
  <em>Try.</em>
</p><p>“No,” he said. “Some of it has been for pleasure. I hope you feel that way as well.”</p><p>She looked back at him, her eyes lighting up just a bit.</p><p>“I do,” she agreed.</p><p>“I am glad to hear that.”</p><p>They watched each other, his dark eyes peering into hers. He wondered what she saw when she locked gazes with him. Could she tell that he was staring back at her?</p><p>“Is there something on your mind, Thane?” she had asked him then. “Something specific you want to talk about?”</p><p>Ah, she had guessed, had she? He had so many things on his mind, in fact, that he thought it might be too much for her if he had begun to spill it all out.</p><p>“I suppose I wonder, for myself as well as others, how one can ever know if they made the right choice, since the other is left as a path undiscovered.”</p><p>“<em>One never does</em>,” she’d said.</p><p>Reviewing all that now, Thane knew that she was right, as he had already been thinking himself. There was always a decision to be made, and once done, one could not go back to change it. One might attempt to make it right, but the original choice could not be erased.</p><p>He supposed, ultimately, he was always left to wonder whether the path he’d left untraveled had been the better one.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. To be a Father</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Irikah takes my hands in hers. I feel the heat she collected from the generator, passing comfort. Her sunset eyes swim across mine. ‘I have to tell you something.’ Her mouth will not stop smiling. I am glad to see that. She hasn’t been feeling well lately. Stressed, tired, irritated. I finally feel relief that it is not directed at me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Thane… You’re going to be a father.’</em>
</p><p>Looking back on it now, that had been the most confusing moment of his life. He had sought Irikah with an outcome in mind. This had been different. He hadn’t been sure of what to feel. He and Irikah had not even been married for long, and suddenly there was going to be another in their midst. He’d never considered what it would be like to be a father, but yet he had never imagined himself as a husband either. He’d been happy, he thought, but it was also the most terrified he had been in his life. Everything had felt out of control, and yet it had been an amazing thought. To be a father…</p><p>He had been thinking these things over until there was a message overhead, announcing that the Commander was back on board.</p><p>Shepard had recently gone to help Taylor with a personal matter. Thane had not been asked to come along, if for nothing else, because it had been a delicate matter for the young Cerberus operative, and he would want people around him that he could trust. He had still not learned to trust Thane. Even though Shepard had tried to give them a boost by making them work together, Taylor was still quite standoffish in front of him.</p><p>Thane could not bring himself to be concerned for that. What he <em>was</em> concerned with was Shepard.</p><p>After returning, she had seemed to withdraw from everyone. It was common for her to be on the bridge, or else chatting with one of the crew. She tended to do her work in the open, or at least did not make it a habit to shut herself up in her cabin. She liked to be available in case anyone wished to speak to her. That was how she preferred it instead of hiding away with her paperwork, or otherwise. Thane had begun to wonder if she had any personal time at all.</p><p>
  <em>Are these chats we have merely business as usual for her?</em>
</p><p>“EDI,” he said finally, summoning the AI when he could no longer halt his curiosity. “Where is Shepard now?”</p><p>“<em>Shepard is in the shuttle bay</em>.”</p><p>The shuttle bay was a large space, and aside from housing the shuttles that they often departed on, Cerberus had been gracious enough to create an area where they could exercise, bursting with equipment.</p><p>“Thank you,” he told the AI, and was soon on his feet.</p><p>She had not asked for his company, but he could sense that she was troubled somehow. He wasn’t sure how he knew that, perhaps by the marks of her behavior or perhaps by his intuition. Whatever the case, he would be there if she needed someone to talk to.</p><p>
  <em>A friend.</em>
</p><p>Thane took the elevator down to the massive, echoing shuttle bay. It was largely quiet, no traffic except his own feet that carried him silently through the room.</p><p>He heard Shepard before he saw her, panting and grunting with exertion. When he rounded the corner beyond one of the shuttles, he saw that she was pounding her fists into a punching bag. Her hair was pulled into a long, messy tail at the back of her head. Her hands were wrapped in tape. She was clad in an exercise outfit that hugged her form, showing skin below her hemline.</p><p>He thought about slipping away—likely, he could have before she noticed him—but he watched her for a few moments, caught up in her intensity, viewing the beads of sweat that dotted her skin.</p><p>She finally caught sight of him from the corner of her eye, whipping her head toward him, breathing deep.</p><p>“Hey,” she gasped, trying to calm her breathing.</p><p>Thane wondered if his lurking had been too obvious—or unsettling.</p><p>“Does something trouble you, Shepard?”</p><p>“Why do you say that?”</p><p>She was trying to avoid his question? Very well. “You just returned from a mission. Likely you are tired, and yet you feel the need to exercise?”</p><p>She put her hands on her hips and lowered her head. “Alright, you got me,” she confessed. “I’m upset. Needed to blow off some steam.”</p><p>“Would you like to talk about it?” he asked. “If not, I will leave you to it.”</p><p>He did not move closer to her, keeping distance. She looked at him, considered. Her cheeks were flushed pink, her skin glistening. He usually could not see it when she was beneath her armor. He was mesmerized.</p><p>“Not sure if I should. It has to do with Jacob’s personal business.”</p><p>“Be a little vague then,” he suggested. He was pushing her. He wondered if he should have done that.</p><p>She considered this, likely wondering if she was breaking trust or violating ethics if she spoke about it.</p><p>“People on this ship like to talk. You’ll likely hear about it anyway,” she reasoned. “But it won’t be from me. I’ll be vague. What we found down there, was a lot of people who survived a terrible crash. They were stranded, and with few rations, so of course they attempted to eat from the planet. But the alien plant life had detrimental neurological effects. And when the leadership found that out… they exploited it.”</p><p>Her fists clenched as she recounted this.</p><p>“The things those men did there… Makes me sick. Instead of binding together, the leadership kept the clean rations for themselves and let the others be affected—took advantage of it. They took the ones who were affected and turned them into slaves. They assigned women to the men like they were <em>pets</em>. Those women didn’t choose that. They didn’t know what they were doing. They didn’t have any say.”</p><p>He understood her reaction to that. Now he knew that it harkened back to her younger life when her colony was attacked by slavers. The idea of people being forced into something that they had not chosen was high on her list of injustices.</p><p>“Eventually, one among them became even greedier,” she went on, “and decided that he would exile all the men, and keep the women and the rations for himself. Disgusting. He was a coward.”</p><p>“One’s true colors can come out in unexpected situations,” he said. “Not everyone will act with integrity.”</p><p>“I know that some in positions of power are not the type of people who ought to be there,” she agreed, but there was still a snarl in her voice. “But they also don’t get away with it forever.”</p><p>“As he did not, I imagine.”</p><p>Thane tried to read into what Shepard was saying, and wondered how it tied in to Jacob. He had only to assume that this situation had to do with someone that Jacob had lost. <em>Likely, a parent.</em></p><p>“The exiled men were aggressive, feral, but somewhat organized. They kept trying to move in, but the commander had automated defenses protecting him. They didn’t do much to stop <em>us</em> though.”</p><p>“And so you took him down,” Thane assumed.</p><p>Shepard stopped pacing, took a deep breath. Her back was to him, hands on her hips as she paused, and then finally she spoke.</p><p>“Not long ago, I said something to you about people always asking me to make decisions for them, but this one, I truly wanted to make. He wasn’t the only one alive, but he was the only one in his right mind. And he had the nerve to try to <em>lie</em> about it. I wasn’t buying it, of course. So it came down to the choice of turning him over to the Alliance, to leave him there, or to kill him.”</p><p>“What did you decide?” he asked, interested to know.</p><p>She turned back to him, her eyes full of fire. “We left him in the hell he created.”</p><p>Thane hummed lowly, considering that. “The exiled men would kill him. Eventually,” he said without feeling.</p><p>“Hopefully sooner rather than later,” she agreed. She had no mercy for this.</p><p>“How did Taylor feel about the decision?”</p><p>“I think he wanted to put a bullet in him as much as I did, but I think he agreed with me. Maybe his…maybe the commander’s death would have given him closure, but the man deserved to know the fear that he had projected onto others. The law would have been too kind—would have taken too long.”</p><p>“You believe in retribution,” Thane confirmed. “That people should get what they give.”</p><p>“In a perfect world,” she agreed.</p><p>Whether Thane believed that or not, he had acted on such a notion. <em>I hunted them down—the ringleaders; the triggermen.</em> He had acted on a personal matter. He had done to their bodies what they had done to hers. And worse. Those were the only deaths on his own conscience, but actions that he had performed did not seem that way to others. That was proven as well.</p><p>So what did that mean for him?</p><p>“You’re quiet,” Shepard said, calling him back. She always managed to draw him back out of himself. “What are you thinking?”</p><p>“In my experience, people rarely get what they deserve. Good or bad,” he said.</p><p>“Do you not agree with my choice?”</p><p>“It is not for me to say.”</p><p>That was not good enough for her. Thane often considered himself to present a neutral attitude, especially until he had enough evidence to choose one side or another. Often, his own reason was not relevant.</p><p>“What would you have done?” she asked.</p><p>He? Thane thought. He wondered if his honest answer would satisfy her.</p><p>“I believe your decision was relevant for the situation. As far as what<em> I</em> would have done, an argument could be made for all three options. A bullet, the law, or to leave him. I would likely have to make the decision in the moment. You were emotionally stirred toward it, and so you decided as you did. The man needed to pay, that is certain. You merely chose how that was to be.”</p><p>Her eyes shifted, but she seemed calmer now. When she spoke, her tone had changed, and he knew for certain.</p><p>“We arranged for the remaining victims to be picked up,” she said. “They can recover, but that doesn’t keep them from the traumas they suffered. They still have to remember what happened.”</p><p><em>Memories of despair are the most difficult to escape.</em> He knew that all too well.</p><p>“It was injustice to the innocent,” Thane commented, understanding where she was coming from. </p><p>“To some of them. The women, at least. Many of the men were just as guilty at the start. The only difference was that their leader got greedy and wanted to be a king with a harem. <em>Bastard</em>.”</p><p>She threw another punch into the punching bag. Perhaps she was not finished after all. She sighed, propping her arm against the bag and leaning into it.</p><p>“I fight, so that other people can have the life I <em>can’t</em>,” she said. “A peaceful life. A family. Children. A daily life with no fear, because someone like me stopped it before it got to them. They weren’t civilians, I know. But still.”</p><p>A life she cannot have… A life he should not have touched… He respected her for her dedication. He had been dedicated as well, but he wondered if it had been toward the wrong thing.</p><p>He pondered the best way to soothe her, and finally decided that words might not be most relevant for this.</p><p>“Would you like some tea, Shepard?” he asked.</p><p>She looked at him, searching, her ire cooled.</p><p>“I think I would,” she said.</p><p>~~</p><p>His tea with Shepard had gone well. He had come to enjoy watching her as she inhaled the aroma, as her stress melted away. She had not said much, contemplative, but he had not minded the silence. The fact that they could simply sit in each other’s company was pleasant enough.</p><p>Thane had learned later that the commander who had created the chaos on the island had actually been Jacob’s estranged father. The operative had considered him long dead, and had been content to live his life, until suddenly a distress signal had surfaced, and he had been forced to discover the dark truth. Now, that knowledge would always be with him.</p><p>Thane could not help thinking of his own son at that—the boy that he had avoided thinking about for the past ten years.</p><p>Jacob had gone searching for his father, and had not found forgiveness in his heart; had judged him worthy of death. That was one reason why Thane had stayed away from his own. He did not want Kolyat to know what his life had been. Instead, he had arranged for that news to be delivered after his death.</p><p>Thane could not face his son, could not look him in the eye, could not confess his sins. If Kolyat hated him, as Jacob hated his father, so be it. And if Thane was lucky, his son already considered him dead.</p><p>
  <em>I have personally, to some degree, always considered myself dead as well.</em>
</p><p>He took a deep breath, closing his eyes to sink into meditation, but he caught one final thought before he could clear his mind.</p><p>If they met again now, perhaps Kolyat would want to put a bullet in him too.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Krogan</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tuchanka was a dry, barren wasteland of a planet that had once shown signs of being urban. Though the planet was quite nearly a desert, Thane had not exactly enjoyed his time on the krogan homeworld. But despite what it was, it was blessed soil to those who inhabited it.</p><p>Thane had only seen it in holos—his homeworld of Rakhana. He wondered if it could be said that one could not miss a planet they had never stepped foot on, but he did not believe that was so. Many different species seemed to wish to preserve or else reclaim their homeworlds. The quarians had been trying to liberate theirs from the geth for centuries, and had never found themselves a new place to settle, holding out hope.</p><p> <em>To know a home… It is a longing we all have</em>.</p><p>They had taken the adolescent krogan to Tuchanka in order to discover why he was so restless. Surprising to Thane, Shepard was familiar with the clan leader, an aggressive but reasonable krogan named Wrex. To see them interact was truly something to behold. The way that other aliens seemed to embrace her in friendship—it was fascinating. They had been so pleased to see each other, a krogan and human sharing smiles and fond slaps on the arm.</p><p>As it turned out, based on Wrex’s assessment, Grunt’s problem was simple puberty. The solution was to undergo a rite of passage, which Shepard had decided to leave off until the next day. They could rest, strategize, and consider what might lay before them.</p><p>They had spent a bit more time on Tuchanka, within the hospitality of Urdnot Wrex, before returning to the Normandy. Thane couldn’t help thinking that at least he was seeing more of the universe before he died.</p><p>
  <em>The door chime sounds. It’s her. It must be.</em>
</p><p>“Thane.” Shepard called for him, stepping inside.</p><p>“Yes, Shepard?” He was happy to give her attention.</p><p>“I want you to come with us tomorrow. I decided on a team of four. Since it’s a krogan rite, I’m sure it will rely on feats of strength, but who knows. We may have to climb something or…hell if I know. Not sure what to expect, so I want to cover all the bases.”</p><p>“Of course. I will be ready.”</p><p>He wondered if she would leave straight away. If so, he would not hinder her. He knew she was busy, but a small, selfish part of him wished she would stay for a chat.</p><p>“Do you have more to do, Shepard?” he asked her as casually as he might.</p><p>“Probably,” she answered, “but nothing exciting. Wanna chat?”</p><p>“I’d enjoy that.”</p><p>He was pleased. He was smiling slightly as she moved to her chair.</p><p>Shepard sat across from him, a nasty welt on her forehead, which Chakwas had sealed with a couple of butterfly bandages. She had swept her hair across it, but it was still evident to him. He knew why it was there.</p><p>“Something to say?” she asked. She must have known what he was thinking.</p><p>“I can’t believe you head-butted that krogan,” he teased.</p><p>She laughed, throwing her head back, flashing her throat. Her hair spilled around her, a red blanket in the harsh, florescent light.</p><p>“It just felt right,” she said finally. “You know?”</p><p>“I can’t say I’ve ever had that compulsion, Shepard.”</p><p>Her smile was bright as she laughed at herself, unhindered.</p><p>“I don’t know why I do these things sometimes. I just go with it. But there’s something about being around krogans. I think their aggression rubs off on me.”</p><p>She was admitting to his assumption that she acted on instinct instead of careful calculation. But he still hadn’t decided that she didn’t do both.</p><p>“Maybe that’s why I’m so good at identifying with aliens. I absorb their energy.”</p><p>“Maybe it’s just that you actually try,” he suggested. “And care.”</p><p>“Or that,” she agreed.</p><p>She spoke with him so easily now. It was much nicer than the way they had begun. He liked this side of her—easy smiles and honest words. She seemed in a good mood. Perhaps he could try to breach a more difficult subject.</p><p>“I’m curious,” he began, “what goes through your mind when you make a decision such as that? You seem to make them quickly. I’m…not that way, unless it is my body’s reaction. Do you act on how you think, or how you feel?”</p><p>“I think I act on how I feel most of the time,” she admitted. He was pleased that she was being open about it, but he had to chuckle at her wording.</p><p>“What?” she asked with a good-natured smile, flashing her white teeth.</p><p>“You said that you ‘think’ you act on how you ‘feel’.”</p><p>She joined him in laughter. “I guess I did. How about you?”</p><p>“I… When I am aware—awake—I sometimes act on how I feel…if I’ve thought it through first. I can make judgements based on right or wrong. When I have been asleep, it is instinct. It is the goal. It is survival.”</p><p>“You’re going to have to explain this ‘asleep and awake’ thing to me.”</p><p>“My battle sleep. It is simply a state where my body acts in battle but I do not perceive it.”</p><p>“But yet, you have memories of it, right? So how can you say you are asleep?”</p><p>“It is a state in which I am not…allowed to feel.” That was all he would say for now.</p><p>“I think I understand that,” she said thoughtfully. “I can get that way. If I let myself think too much, it lets doubts in.”</p><p>“Doubts?”</p><p>Thane was quick to shift the subject back to her, but not because he was anxious to remove himself from it. He wanted more of her—to know her. Still, she hesitated to expound.</p><p>“Share this with me, Shepard,” he implored her. “This is a safe space, is it not?”</p><p>He truly believed that. He felt safe with her here, sitting across from him. He hoped she felt the same.</p><p>Her eyes drifted around the room as she considered. Then, he began to wonder if she was instead looking for something.</p><p>“<em>Cerberus</em>,” she started finally. “I’ve determined not to let them intimidate me. That’s not the problem.”</p><p>“What is?”</p><p>“They rebuilt me. They completely revived my dead body and replaced what they couldn’t. They even preserved my memories, but…did they really make me exactly as I was? Did they slip anything new in there? Am I still me? How can I know?”</p><p>He hadn’t realized that those might be troubles on her mind, and he felt foolish for it now.</p><p>“Those who knew you before seem to be comfortable with how you present now,” he said to reassure her. “You could rely on that, I suppose.”</p><p>“True,” she agreed. “I haven’t sent up any red flags, it seems. Psychological test results are favorable. Still. Even if I can manage to shake the paranoia, there are…other things.”</p><p>Again, she paused. Perhaps it was selfish on his part, but he wanted what was on her mind.</p><p>“Speak to me,” he encouraged her. “Let me support you in your burden.”</p><p>She looked up at him, searching for the truth behind his eyes.</p><p>“Are you sure you want that?”</p><p>“You have been a support for me, Shepard. And everyone else on this ship. It would be an honor.”</p><p>Her expression softened, her clear eyes searching the depths of his.</p><p>“I was dead, Thane,” she said, spilling her fears. It wasn’t what he had expected. “I don’t regret dying for my crew. I would do it again. It’s what I should have done on Akuze. Finally, the guilt alleviated.”</p><p>Yes, he thought he could relate. He should have been the one in Irikah’s place—but Shepard was still speaking. He dared not interrupt.</p><p>“I’m just not so sure how I feel about being back here. I mean, there’s the mission. I want to save people. It’s what I was meant for. But…part of me wonders what this has to do with me. Does it have any real bearing on what my life is, or was, or will be? I…think I don’t know who I am sometimes. Am I a savior? Am I only a tool? Or am I a person with her own wants?” She shook her head. These were questions without answers. “I don’t know. This is why I don’t dwell. Or, try not to.”</p><p>He felt true sympathy for her. He wanted to reach out to touch her hand, but he was unsure. Instead, he slid his hand across the table just slightly, subtly offering her the chance to reach for him. He would steady her, if needed.</p><p>“I cannot give you those answers,” he said regretfully. “But there is one thing I know to be true. If they had not brought you back, we would not have met,” he told her, and she was startled to attention. “If you had not shown up before me in that penthouse, I would also be dead. It was an intervention—perhaps for us both.” He wondered if he had let it become too personal. He knew how he valued her, but he did not want to frighten her away. “And everyone else you have met would likely be lost without you, Shepard. You are a guiding light in the darkness.”</p><p>A soft smile played at her lips, and she looked at him—he believed—with affection.</p><p>“How do you always know just what to say?” she asked. From the corner of his eye, he saw her hand reach out, but stopped short just near his. They did not touch.</p><p>“That certainly isn’t true,” he insisted. “But I will take the compliment, Shepard. From you, it means even more.”</p><p>She rolled her eyes playfully and leaned back, and Thane felt confident that he had taken some of the weight off, at least for the moment.</p><p>“You flatterer,” she accused teasingly. “I’ll bet you say that to all the aliens.”</p><p>“Only you,” he said, and the words had more significance coming from his mouth than he had thought.</p><p>Yes, it was true. There was only her. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Death from the Sands</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>She shakes off her helmet, hair loosened, whipping in the swirling sands. Her eyes meet mine. There is a glorious fury in her eyes, and a smile of triumph on her mouth. She has embraced the thrill of victory. It is contagious. And then…</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A tremor beneath the feet. Eyes changing to surprise, fear.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Thresher maw!’ she screams.</em>
</p><p>Thane had never seen a thresher maw up close. He had never killed many beasts at all, unless they had been trained to aggress toward him and left him with no choice.</p><p>The krogan’s trial had certainly been a test.</p><p>When the maw had appeared, Shepard had been… There was something different about her. She was not her habitual fearless self. She had paid more attention to her team than usual, barking orders consistently at them all. Thane likely would not have said so, but the encounter had been frightening. The tremors, the sheer size of the beast, and all of them on foot. He had tried to shut down, to fall back into instinct, but he was far too aware of Shepard. He was not the only one on this battlefield.</p><p>Grunt had taken to the fight with vigor. Zaeed had joined them, and the old mercenary had taken to the bout as well, but not foolishly. This led Thane to approach with precision. He climbed columns and aimed for the highest ground he could get, but even that began to prove hazardous when the platform began to crumble apart around them with the sheer force of the maw.</p><p>In the end, they were triumphant, pulsing with adrenaline—and when they had been confronted by a group of defiant krogan—one of which had been Shepard’s head-butting victim—they had hardly been a challenge.</p><p>When they were all back on the Normandy, no major injuries sustained, they had gathered in the mess, celebrating Grunt, and also their victory. Shepard put on a strong face, but Thane wondered. She had seemed disturbed during that battle, almost frantic. Could she truly turn it off so easily?</p><p>
  <em>When did I become so aware of her?</em>
</p><p>“And then WHAM!” Grunt exclaimed, slamming his fist on the table, rattling dishware all around. “It was great! You all should have been there.”</p><p>“Truly, Shepard, when do the wonders cease?” Garrus asked, waving his arms in a grand fashion. “I believe that’s a <em>second</em> thresher maw on foot. And you’ve killed a Reaper. Impressive resume.”</p><p>“I wasn’t the only one there,” she said. “Never am.”</p><p>She punched the turian playfully on the shoulder.</p><p>“Yeah,” he agreed. “But history always seems to forget that.”</p><p>“But today, we all fought as one,” Grunt declared. “My Krantt.”</p><p>Shepard smiled at that. She seemed almost motherly toward the young krogan. Perhaps she was that way with the entire group. She liked to see them getting along. That seemed to warm her.</p><p>Her eyes glanced around the room until they landed on Thane, and stopped. She had noticed him watching her.</p><p>“You okay?” she asked him, approaching. She was always thinking of others. Only now, he believed it was simply easier than worrying about herself.</p><p>“I am well,” he assured her.</p><p>“Quite a fight out there today.”</p><p>“It was.”</p><p>They may as well have been talking about the weather. He placed his hands behind his back, deciding to be bold with her. It had worked before.</p><p>“Are <em>you </em>well, Shepard?”</p><p>“Sure,” she said—almost too easily. “The rite was a bit more exciting than we expected, but yet we live to tell about it. It was a victory.”</p><p>He detected deception, but it was not the malicious sort. She was simply unwilling to show the truth.</p><p>“You do not have to wear a mask in front of me, Shepard.”</p><p>Strong words for one who was not willing to remove his own mask.</p><p>She looked at him a moment, said nothing. Then she stepped closer, her eyes glued to his.</p><p>“What is it about those eyes of yours?” she asked. He was not sure he caught her meeting, but his heart had begun to beat just a little bit faster. “Can you literally see right through me?”</p><p>“I have my perceptions.”</p><p>She glanced back toward the group, who seemed to be chatting and distracting themselves well enough without her. Finally, she looked back to Thane. He was pleased to have her gaze again.</p><p>“Come on,” she said, motioning with her head as she began to take steps to the corner near the elevator. She did not lead him back to his own room, however, but stopped in the hall, distant enough from the others that she felt comfortable.</p><p>“I don’t know how you keep calling me out on these things,” she said. “I thought I was pretty good at hiding distress.”</p><p>“You are, generally. You must put on a strong face for your crew, but that is not the case with me.”</p><p>“You are part of my team,” she reminded him.</p><p>“I like to think that we are more on the same level, Shepard.”</p><p>She considered that. He was not sure how she took it.</p><p>“Maybe others do notice, but you’re just the only one brave enough to bring it up.”</p><p>Was she growing angry? When he heard her sigh, he did not think so.</p><p>“Do you know about Akuze?” she asked.</p><p>“You have mentioned it, but you have not told me, no.”</p><p>She leaned against the wall, arms crossed before her. He was fully aware of how close they were.</p><p>“Akuze was a human colony in early development, and seemed to be going as planned until contact was lost with the pioneer team. An Alliance Marine unit was sent in to discover what had happened. I was part of it. I was a squad leader back then. Not a commander. When we arrived, it was like…exactly like what we’ve been finding with the Collectors. Like what we found on Horizon. The colony was deserted. All the humans gone.”</p><p>He listened, but did not fail to note another trait of her psyche: this event on Akuze could explain her dedication to stopping the Collectors.</p><p>“We investigated, wound up camping through the night to start fresh the next day. Then, when we were least suspecting, it happened. Thresher maws. I still don’t know how many there were. Seemed like a dozen, wiping out men left and right. They sent reinforcements. It didn’t help.”</p><p>Thane saw her eyes searching, watching flashes of her own memory.</p><p>“Fifty marines were lost that day. I was the only one who made it back to the landing zone, and I don’t even know how. People thought I was a hero, but to me, it felt the same as Mindoir. I couldn’t save anyone. My unit—those I was responsible for—all lost.”</p><p>“That is why you were guiding us so strictly today,” he assumed.</p><p>A short laugh came from the back of her throat. “You noticed.”</p><p>
  <em>I am beginning to notice everything about you.</em>
</p><p>“For a long time, I thought I was the only who had survived that trauma. It made it more difficult, not having someone to relate too, but I managed. I found out only later that another had survived. Toombs, was his name. He said the slaughter wasn’t an accident. He said that—” She clenched her fists. “<em>Cerberus</em> deliberately set the thresher maws on us. They wanted to see what would happen. We were an experiment.”</p><p>Thane had been familiar with Cerberus by reputation only. This news that she was closer to it than that was illuminating, and yet she still moved at the Illusive Man’s bidding. That confused him.</p><p>“Toombs had been hunting down the Cerberus scientists who were responsible. I caught him on the very last. He made his case, and… I let him finish what he started. I let him shoot the scientist. Revenge, so that he could move on, I’d hoped. No. He turned his gun on himself.”</p><p>“Do you believe what he said?”</p><p>“I never saw his evidence, but yeah. A part of me does believe it,” she admitted.</p><p>“Clearly, you must hold this against Cerberus. How can you work for them?”</p><p>“I don’t work for them,” she insisted. “It’s just that our interests are aligned right now. Though I still don’t know why they went through all that trouble to resurrect me. They could have gotten someone else who would be much more agreeable, I’m sure.”</p><p>“I cannot fathom the Illusive Man’s reasons,” Thane said, “but you have been making the most of it so far, despite any grudges against the organization.”</p><p>“Not everyone can see that, unfortunately.” Her eyes lifted back to his then. “But thank you, for seeing it.”</p><p>He offered her a little smile, and he hoped she saw the affection in it. She gazed back at him, her expression soft. He became lost in that moment, watching her, pondering the natural progression of this moment. He might have liked to touch her arm, or hold her hand, stand even closer.</p><p>“Thane—”</p><p>A particularly loud burst of laughter carried to them from around the corner, and their concentration was broken.</p><p>He watched Shepard smile, then she shook her head at herself, but did not address it.</p><p>“I think we’re missing a good time,” she commented.</p><p>He assumed that meant she was ready to go back. He was prepared to give in if that was what she desired, but soon she was speaking again.</p><p>“Oh, while we’re talking, I’ll go ahead and tell you this now: I’d like your help with something Jack has asked for. A personal matter. She asked for you to join us. I’ll give you the details later. It’ll still be a day or two.”</p><p>So, Shepard was back to business, but what she had said was curious to him.</p><p>“Is that so?” he asked, surprised. He had not spoken with Jack in any capacity. She liked to avoid others, and they also liked to avoid her. Why would she request him?</p><p>“I usually let people give me input when they ask for something personal, concerning who will accompany us. When I asked Jack, she said ‘I don’t know. Take the assassin. He doesn’t say much.’”</p><p>“Ah. So that’s it.”</p><p>“Joke’s on her. She just doesn’t know you like I know you,” Shepard said. She had said it in jest, he suspected, but the idea that they had grown closer made him feel somehow…uplifted.</p><p>“Well, to be fair,” she went on, “she also said that if I trust you, that’s good enough for her.”</p><p>That was, in that moment, the greatest compliment he might have imagined. “I am glad that you trust me, Shepard. I strive not to let you down.”</p><p>“And you never seem to,” she said.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. An Innocent Child</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The trip back to the Citadel from Pragia was a long one, and Thane once again found himself with copious amounts of time. He had seen things recently that he had never thought he would see—had witnessed a side to Cerberus that he had only heard rumors about. As always, he did not let his thoughts carry him away while he was working, but took time to review the experience after the fact.</p><p>Finally, following all that had happened, it was time to rest and reflect on the events on Pragia.</p><p>Shepard had told him of the mission in advance, before they had even set the course. And so, his fate was sealed. Not that he minded. They had been meant to plant a bomb in an abandoned Cerberus facility, where Jack had claimed to have been locked up and tormented as a child. Thane had no opinion one way or the other about her story, and he had not guessed that he would have an emotional response. It was a job. He had followed Shepard.<br/><br/>But he had not quite expected what they would find there.<br/><br/><em>Dark halls. No life. No warmth.</em><br/><br/>It had been pouring rain when they had arrived on the jungle planet, and though that had not been the best climate for his lungs, Thane had kept himself focused for the duration of the mission, but now that he had time to reflect, this excursion into the depths of the abandoned Cerberus facility had brought several thoughts and feelings of uneasiness back to his mind.</p><p>The place had been built specifically to house children with biotic abilities, but it was no school or place of protection. The things they did to those children there were terrible, even compared to other things he had seen.</p><p>His own childhood had not been near so desolate. Certainly, after he had been taken by the hanar, he had been denied familial affection, but he had not been treated harshly. If the limits were pushed, it was for a valuable lesson. He had to be put into dangerous circumstances in order to learn how to adapt and survive. He had been taught reverence and had been forced to prove loyalty. He had not, however, been pitted against peers simply for sport. The hanar had not sought to harden him—that was brought on by other things—but they had taught him to distance his own will from his actions.</p><p>Perhaps it was because it was <em>his own childhood</em> that he could not find fault with it. Perhaps he had only justified his upbringing so that it would not trouble him. He could not change it—could not go back to become another person.</p><p>This had led him to think of Kolyat again—of his son, abandoned at the time of life when he had needed his father most. Thane could not correct that—had not even brought himself to regret it until recently.</p><p><em>I sneak into the house, silent in the night. I do not wish for them to know I am here. I go to our bedroom at the end of the hall, peering in. I see her, sleeping there in the dark, the curve of her form beckoning to me from beneath the sheets. But she is not alone. There is someone in my place. A small form. She has been letting Kolyat sleep in our bed again. I do not want him here now. Carefully, I lift him up. I carry him back to his own bedroom, decorated with starships. I watch him, certain that he does not stir. Then I go back to her. I slide in next to her body, let my hand rove across her hip. She stirs, starts at my touch. ‘Thane? You’re back...’ ‘I missed you,’ I say. I kiss her neck. She leans into me, a long sigh escaping her. ‘Mother?’ a small voice asks from the door. I am...irritated.</em><br/><br/>Thane had only recently realized how many regrets he had concerning his son—his actions and even his attitude at times—and they did not all have to do with the time following Irikah’s death. What he had witnessed on Pragia had brought that home even more.</p><p>He thought of Jack and all the other children, how they were isolated, forced to hurt and kill one another. In comparison, perhaps his son’s childhood had not been as bad, but... But there was another difference.<br/><br/>Thane recalled how Jack’s memory of her escape had not been accurate based on what they had found. Likewise, her perception of her captivity had not been as she’d suspected. She had thought that she was the one being tortured, but what they had uncovered revealed that the rest of the children had been tortured and killed for <em>her </em>sake—for the purpose of turning her into a super biotic. Her mental state had led her to twist her own memories into something untrue. Had that been true for the rest of what she had experienced? For a human to be so young, they tended to forget. But Kolyat.... he would never be able to forget.<br/><br/>He could not forget his mother’s murder. He could not forget how Thane was not present, or how he had been left behind—abandoned by his father. It was difficult to leave things to the past when one could never forget. How could one even sink down to relive the good memories when there were so few?</p><p>It was not that Thane had never been present in his son’s life. No doubt Kolyat had very early memories of happiness. He had played with his son, taken care of his basic needs, rocked him late in the night when he could not sleep. But as far as teaching him anything, Thane had never had much confidence in that. He didn’t know much of anything apart from, well, what he <em>did</em> know, and he’d never wanted his son to have knowledge of that.</p><p>This was not the first time along this journey that he’d found himself thinking about his son. His mortality was leading him to relive so many things that he had previously pushed aside. Irikah, and now Kolyat.</p><p>But something else had affected him about this mission. Once they had reached Jack’s former cell where she had intended to plant the bomb, they’d found that they were not the only ones in the facility. Another man was there, claiming to have been one of the other biotic children who had survived. But he had been affected differently than Jack. He believed that the things that were done to him were so terrible that they must have been <em>important</em>. A skewed way of thinking, but he had been planning to take it a step further and reopen the facility.</p><p>Jack’s response had been a desire to kill him, but Shepard had stopped her. She had said…</p><p>
  <em>“He’s trapped in his past. You need to move on from yours. Your past doesn’t have to control you.”</em>
</p><p>Shepard’s words had been to Jack, but they had affected Thane as well.</p><p>He was not sure he wanted to be stuck in his own past, though his past was all he believed he had. Yet that was not true. His wife was gone. There was nothing left of her but his memories. His son was still among the living.<br/><br/>Driven by a new resolve, Thane took to his console, bypassing encryptions to hack into his old contact network. There, he sent out his request. He wanted to know where his son was, what he had been doing. Thane had not allowed himself this temptation over the years. If the thought came to him in passing, it was merely that. He had left that life behind. But now, facing his impending death, he wanted to know.<br/><br/>He wanted to know that his son had turned out better than he had. If the boy was happy and balanced without him, Thane could at least be at peace with that.<br/><br/>Once he had finished his request, he closed the console and left it at that. Then was only to wait.</p><p>That done, he felt considerable uneasiness. He decided to make himself some tea in order to calm his nerves. He rose up and left his room, aiming for the mess hall. The trek had become familiar to him now.</p><p>Thane was rounding the corner to move past the elevator when it opened, and none other than Shepard stepped out in front of him. He might have simply greeted her in passing, but wound up halting instead. She looked…<em>different</em>.</p><p>She was wearing a little black dress that hugged her form, shiny and sleek in the light. It stopped mid-thigh, showing off her long legs. Her hair was pulled back halfway, just a bit to accentuate her face and neck, flowing down her in slight waves. A silver necklace emphasized her collarbone, and her neckline was low, accentuating her breasts. He had to admit, the curvature was appealing. More than that, it revealed a scattering of those minuscule brown spots across her chest. Her face was painted in a flattering way which almost hid the markings on her cheeks.</p><p>He had never seen her like this before.</p><p>“Hey, Thane,” she said. Her standard greeting lately. It was impossible to avoid him. He was directly in front of her.</p><p>“Shepard, you have plans this evening?”</p><p>Secretly, he felt that one would be privileged to behold her in this glory. Whomever she was to grace with her presence was…well, he was certain that it was not meant for him.</p><p>“It’s for a mission,” she assured him. “I know I seem a little overdressed—or, <em>underdressed</em>, maybe—but this one’s a bit different from my usual. I’m helping Kasumi recover something.”</p><p>“You mean you are helping her to <em>steal </em>something,” he assumed.</p><p>Shepard shrugged. “I helped you assassinate someone.”</p><p>“A fair point,” he said, once he had considered.</p><p>“I was just on my way to discuss a few details with her before we get back to the Citadel.”</p><p>Ah yes, Kasumi had taken up in the room beyond his own.</p><p>“You always give of yourself, Shepard,” he said with great reverence.</p><p>“I do what I can,” she said lightly.</p><p>Thane might have liked to talk with her more, but he could see she had purpose. Even so, he found himself looking her over once again, memorizing her.</p><p>“Well, do not let me keep you,” he said.</p><p>She nodded her agreement. “Kasumi is probably waiting.”</p><p>She smiled and stepped past him, heading toward Port Observation. He suddenly felt that instead of admiring her silently, he should have vocalized it. When one put forth an effort to look attractive, it was nice to be acknowledged.</p><p>He thought of all the reasons it might have been a bad idea, but he wanted to tell her. The compliment did not have to be perceived as a flirtation—and why he was so concerned about that recently, he did not know.</p><p>“Shepard,” he said, calling her back, but he did not turn to face her fully. He waited for her attention before he went on. “You look very nice.”</p><p>She smiled, and he was glad to see that he had uplifted her. “Thank you, Thane. Think I’ll fool them into thinking I’m classy?”</p><p>He chuckled. “No doubt.”</p><p>She laughed a little as well. “Have a good night.”</p><p>“You as well. Take care.”</p><p>“I’m always <em>so</em> careful,” she promised, turning away with a grin.</p><p>Thane had meant to move on toward the mess, but he caught himself admiring her form, lingering on the flash of her legs as she walked away.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Slip of the Tongue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next night, Thane was in the armory, there for another session of servicing his guns. He often met Operative Taylor there, but they did not have much to say to each other. Normally, Thane went about his business as he had the right to do, while Taylor eyed him suspiciously from the side. Thane could not care. He would not be intimidated, and he would not let another dictate where he had the right to be.</p><p>This was one of their usual encounters, but Thane was not bothered. He focused on his guns, until he heard the door slide open.</p><p>“Hello, Jacob,” Kasumi said musically, then she seemed to realize that they were not alone. “Ah, Thane, hello. I wonder, did the two of you see Shepard last night? Everyone is talking about it.”</p><p>“I did catch a glimpse of her before she left,” Jacob said. “It was…surprising. Hard to imagine her without the armor sometimes. I mean, not that I <em>have</em>.”</p><p>“How about you?” Kasumi asked quickly, stepping up beside Thane. She clearly had no interest in hearing how Jacob might have admired Shepard’s appearance.</p><p>“Yes,” he admitted. “I caught sight of her on the way to your room, I believe.”</p><p>“I had her visit me for approval,” Kasumi explained. “It was a very sensitive operation, after all.”</p><p>“Had to make sure her lipstick was applied properly?” Jacob chimed in.</p><p>“Among other things,” Kasumi said. “Creating a look is delicate work, you know. For bait. One has to draw just the right amount of attention, and yet not too much. Though, no matter what Shepard is wearing, it is difficult not to notice her, isn’t it?”</p><p>“The Commander does tend to stand out in a crowd,” Taylor chimed in again. “Especially dressed like that.”</p><p>“And what did you think, Thane?” Kasumi asked, turning it back on him. “You certainly have a sleek sense of style. Wasn’t she pretty?”</p><p>Thane started at that—not visibly, no—but she did not give him a chance to respond.</p><p>“Oh what am I saying? Maybe you don’t even like humans.”</p><p>Humans? No, he could not say he had ever been attracted to one, though, he had been asleep for ten years. He had not given much thought to anything like that since Irikah, but…</p><p>
  <em>The dress hugs her form, her hips. She steps toward me, her pale thighs visible. I…</em>
</p><p>“I suppose her appearance helped your mission to go well?” Thane asked, bypassing the question.</p><p>“Yes, in fact,” she agreed. “I can’t claim that there wasn’t a <em>slight</em> bit of trouble, but in the end, I got what I came for.”</p><p>“And what was that?” Jacob asked. “Another trophy for your collection?”</p><p>“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Kasumi asked teasingly, and she stepped toward Taylor, content to forget about Thane, for which he was grateful.</p><p>“Excuse me,” he said, dismissing himself to leave the two of them alone. It was no secret that Kasumi was interested in Taylor, whether or not he returned it, yet Thane did not retreat for her sake, but for his own.</p><p>He took his guncase and left the armory, leaving through the Command Information Center to approach the elevator. He noticed that Shepard was not at the galaxy map, and wondered where she might be. The bridge perhaps? He could not see her there, but she might have been anywhere, frankly. She was always going to and fro on the ship. There was always someone to talk to.</p><p>Though Thane enjoyed her visits, he began to wonder whether her chats with him might have differed from some of the other team and crew members. Did she know them intimately? No doubt she knew some better than others. How did his conversations with her differ from those she had with Garrus, or Grunt, or even Taylor? How much of her did he see that no one else did?</p><p><em>Do not be foolish</em>, he told himself. <em>Shepard belongs to no one</em>.</p><p>And yet still, he wondered. The side of her that he often saw: was that her true self? Or was it only the side of her that she allowed herself to be around him?</p><p>He decided he would not entertain any of that. Shepard owed him nothing. Even if the side of her he saw was false, he still—</p><p>Coming off the elevator on the crew deck, Thane turned toward Life Support—and was amazed when he saw Shepard rounding the corner from the mess, a mug in one hand and a datapad in the other. They had just met like this the night before, here in this spot, but their places were switched. He might have commented on that, but she did not seem to notice him, engrossed in whatever she was reading.</p><p>He could have sidestepped her easily and perhaps she would not have known he was there, but he could not deter the temptation to stand in her path, wondering how long it would take before she noticed him.  </p><p>And so, he did that.</p><p>Shepard continued to move toward the elevator, not even raising her eyes until she had nearly collided with him.</p><p>“Oh!” she gasped, catching herself on her heels. “I almost ran you over.”</p><p>
  <em>That…would have been alright. I think I could only tolerate you touching me.</em>
</p><p>“You seem distracted,” he commented.</p><p>“I’m way behind on reading reports and even further behind on writing them,” she sighed. “I was trying to catch up in between other things, but clearly I’m becoming a hazard.”</p><p>She paused, not even taking time to enjoy her own joke. Her brow furrowed slightly.</p><p>“Actually, since you’re here, I wanted to ask you about something.”</p><p>“I have time, Shepard,” he assured her. He held up his hand to indicate his door, and they walked there together.</p><p>Once inside, Shepard took her seat, pushing her datapad aside for the time.</p><p>“Something’s been on my mind since I got back from that party. Without revealing too much about Kasumi’s business there…there’s something I wanted to ask your opinion about.”</p><p>He was honored. “Of course, Shepard. What is on your mind?”</p><p>She took a deep breath, contemplating. “Since you have a perfect memory, I suppose you don’t have need of holos or sentimental items in order to remember an event or a person.”</p><p>“No, no need,” he told her, wondering where this was going.</p><p>She looked at the tabletop, folded her hands there.</p><p>“Humans aren’t like that. We…forget. Some things remain vivid, but others slip away. Even the most vibrant memories become skewed over time. It just seems that maybe we weren’t meant to hold onto things for so long.”</p><p>Her brow creased. This seemed to trouble her, but he could not say exactly why.</p><p>“At what point do those memories become detrimental?” she asked. “Drell are able to sink into them, but is it acceptable to do so? Do they ever take someone over completely?”</p><p>“Yes,” he admitted. “In different ways. Some let their memories completely overtake them. They escape into, hm, let’s call it ‘solipsism’.”</p><p>She blinked. “That is a new word in the Shepard dictionary.”</p><p>He did not mind explaining. “It is the philosophical idea that what is inside one’s own mind is the only certainty in existence. What is in the external world or another’s mind cannot be proven to exist, and therefore one must rely only on their own memories and experiences to know what is real.”</p><p>“Huh,” she said shortly. She seemed baffled by that.</p><p>“When a memory feels as vivid as life, it is as valid as life,” he went on. “For example, some slip into a state we call <em>tu-fira</em>, or ‘lost in another’. This means that one prefers to revel in the memories of a lover instead of to, perhaps, find another.”</p><p>She thought about this—deeply, he believed. He watched her.</p><p>“I understand wanting to remember,” she said. “But living in memories of the past instead of embracing life? It…doesn’t seem right to me.”</p><p>Thane did not believe, even for what he had been through, that he had ever truly lived in such a state. He had shunned memories of Irikah for a long time, even those of comfort, because he felt he did not deserve them. He knew that she would not approve of the revenge he had chosen to seek. Only when he had noted a decline in his disease, had he begun to relive his memories of her, along with the rest of his life. He could not judge the need for this escapism. He would be objective. </p><p>“I do not believe that it is ideal, but I also cannot say it is wrong,” he said. “Consider: you are all alone in the universe. You work alone, eat alone, sleep alone. But you have memories of happier times that seem real. The warmth of another’s hand in yours; the taste of another’s tongue in your mouth. Wouldn’t you rather become lost in such a memory than to spend the night alone, staring at walls of metal and plastic?”</p><p>It was…<em>suggestive</em>. He wondered how she would receive it. He watched her eagerly, and to his surprise, she did not react at all.</p><p><em>She looks at me. Eyes flicker as she thinks. Stormy, like the clouds of Kahje. She runs fingers through her hair. A shock of red. Fierce, like her. Her lips part. She closes them again. I watch her flushed, pink mouth, anxiously awaiting what will spill from her lips. I realize…I would very much like to know what </em>her<em> tongue tastes like.</em></p><p>The thought surprised him, shocking him from his ruminations.</p><p>He raised his gaze to her now with new eyes, examining her features. He had always found her…attractive, he supposed, though he hadn’t given it much thought in the beginning. He had thought she had a lovely mouth. Her smile, even her snarl was appealing. Her eyes, while small and light, held so many emotions. They could be bright and warm, or they could be fierce and intimidating. He wondered what other expressions they might hold. Had he seen them all? The shade of her skin, the shine of her hair. Even her body was beautiful in shape, long legs and curving muscular features, if not somewhat foreign. When had all this happened, that he could pinpoint it so clearly now?</p><p>Thane did not generally like surprises, but this one was…not unwelcome.</p><p>The more he thought on it, the more he realized that it had been there for a while, smoldering beneath the surface, unrecognized.</p><p><em>I am attracted to her. How unobservant of me</em>. Then… <em>I have no right.</em></p><p>He was dying. Nothing could change that. How could he hope to embrace her when he could not even offer her a year of his best self? It was foolish—selfish of him.</p><p>“…as well?”</p><p>The sound of her voice paused, and he realized he hadn’t been listening to a word she had said. He felt his throat flush with worry, completely disarmed by her, wanting to please her but unable to offer even a simple response.</p><p>“Uh… I’m sorry, Shepard. Could you repeat that? I was lost in thought.”</p><p>“Oh, it’s fine,” she said, brushing it off quickly. “I was just thinking out loud, really.”</p><p>She tossed her head against the back of the chair and sighed. Thane wondered if she was annoyed with him—but then forgot it as he found himself staring at her exposed neck. He doubted that she gave a second thought to what she had done, and yet he found himself biting back on arousal. A drell woman would expose her inflated throat as a sign of welcome advances, inviting sexual interest, but for a human… she didn’t know what she did to him.</p><p>An involuntary rumble escaped his throat, and he looked away, suddenly guilty. She was not trying to seduce him. Of course she was not.</p><p>And yet still, his mind was full of her.</p><p>“So you can remember every assassination you’ve ever made?” she asked, finally lowering her head to look at him.</p><p>“In perfect detail,” he responded, finding himself. “Every mistake I made. Every target’s last breath.”</p><p>“Do you often review those things?”</p><p>“I make it a point to review events after they have happened. If there is something to be learned, I want to know it.”</p><p>She was silent a few ticks.</p><p>“I just realized how intimidating that is,” she said, her eyes wide. “You can remember absolutely everything I have said to you.”</p><p>He smiled. “Yes.”</p><p>“Shit. Now I can’t even remember if I’ve said anything stupid.”</p><p>“Do not worry, Shepard. I rarely think that about you.”</p><p>“<em>Rarely</em>?”</p><p>The tension seemed to have broken at that. He felt more at ease. He laughed again, quite enjoying this banter. <em>She leans forward, elbows on the table, watching me. Her mouth is curved in a sly smirk.</em></p><p>“What do you remember most? What’s your most vivid memory?”</p><p>“I…” He wished she had not asked that. He had so many that were significant.</p><p>“That is a dangerous question to ask a drell,” he warned. “There are many types of memories. Fond memories, tragic ones. Joy. Despair. Vivid in nature but…” <em>Vivid. She was a vivid person</em>. <em>“Laser dot trembles on the target’s skull. One finger twitch—he dies. The smell of spice on the spring wind. Sunset-colored eyes, defiant in the scope. The laser dances away.</em>”</p><p>Thane came back to himself to realize that Shepard was sitting before him. The transition from his memories was sometimes a shock, especially to have her sitting there, peering at him. She was giving him a strange look. He had been reliving that memory. Had he spoken of it out loud?</p><p>“My apologies,” he said, knowing at least that this time it had not slipped her notice. “Drell slip into memories so easily.”</p><p>“Was that one of your assassinations?”</p><p>Ah, so he had spoken of it. Now how to deal with it? He did not wish to share any of that with her yet. He had never shared that with anyone. For now, he wanted it to stay inside him where it belonged. That life… It was not relevant anymore. It was not for anyone else to know.</p><p>“Eh…yes.” He admitted. He was not sure what to say at that point. He had just been stricken by his realization about Shepard, and yet his mind had drifted back to Irikah. He could not stop it from happening, of course, but it confused him. He had lost his bearings. “A <em>bystander</em> saw my spotting laser and threw herself in front of the target.”</p><p>Shepard sat for a moment. Her expression changed.</p><p>“I feel bad for asking you that. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize what I might draw up.”</p><p>“No, no, it’s—”</p><p>Her omnitool dinged, signifying that she had gotten a message. Thane was, for once, flushed with relief for the interruption.</p><p>“Uh, just let me check this really quick,” she told him. “I’ll see if it’s important.”</p><p>“Take your time,” he said, and he meant it. He needed a moment for himself so that he could understand what was happening within his own mind.</p><p>Shepard grew quiet as her eyes went to the screen, and Thane pondered this. Irikah… Shepard… They were different people, though he supposed they might have a few things in common. Both times, for him, fascination had set in first, and then physical attraction. It was not that either of them were unattractive, but sight was not enough. What was beauty without substance?</p><p>Thane slipped back into the same memory, but this time, he felt confident that he was keeping it to himself.</p><p><em>Her body trembles. Not fear. Indignation. Her mouth moves—</em><br/><br/>“How dare you...”<br/><br/>Thane snapped back from the memory, surprised that it was Shepard’s voice that he had heard. Irikah had mouthed the very same thing as she’d stared into the scope. How could that have been a coincidence? Unless it was some sort of divine message.<br/><br/>The human woman had a severe look on her face as she stared at the datapad. The words had been uttered lowly, with such ire that might have made the starship tremble. This time that he heard these words, they were not directed at him.<br/><br/>“What troubles you, Shepard?” he asked.<br/><br/>She looked up, her expression changing to one of surprise. Perhaps she had forgotten his presence.<br/><br/>“I just... Nothing. I’m fine. But I should probably go.”</p><p>They were both awkward now, not thinking clearly. Thane did not want to seem too anxious to be rid of her, but he needed time to get his own thoughts together.</p><p>“Of course,” he agreed. “Do what you must.”</p><p>She got up from the chair and swiftly left the room, but he did not give too much thought to her haste. He would think on it later, and would likely put far too much effort into it. He wondered what had troubled her, but he could not think of it just now. There were other things to consider.</p><p>He hoped that before next they spoke, he could have it sorted out.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Wandering Vision</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Thane was still a bit confused about what had happened to him—though of course he knew. He had felt this feeling before. Whatever else he might have called it, it was certainly attraction.</p><p>He had been interested in Shepard, drawn to her. He was <em>attracted</em> to her. But what to do with it?</p><p><em>Nothing.</em> That was the obvious answer, for so many reasons. He was dying, and even if he weren’t, there were many differences between them. Species for one, occupation for another. She was on the right side of the law, and he the wrong one. Species and cultural differences might have been an endless list, and that was taking the liberty to assume that she was actually attracted to <em>him</em>. He hadn’t learned much about her romantic past, but from the only thing he had heard, her interests might have been in the opposite direction.</p><p>Whatever the case for her, and he could not assume, it had been a very long time since he had felt anything like that, but Shepard had woken him up, had made him feel many things that he had not felt in so long. Thinking on it now, he wondered why he had been surprised at all. She had all but consumed his thoughts.</p><p>
  <em>I cannot allow myself to entertain this. It is irrelevant.</em>
</p><p>Wasn’t it? His own mind could not make sense of what his body was telling him. Why now? Why now did he <em>want</em>?</p><p>Thane could not solve this on his own. He knew that. Only one thing could help him find the way—through prayer and meditation.</p><p>He took off his jacket and peeled off his suit to the waist, baring his scales to the warm air in the room. He seated himself on the floor, resting his hands on his knees, and closed his eyes, breathing deep.</p><p>His breathing was rhythmic, calm, allowing him to focus. He let his mind go blank, opening it for any message he might receive. He began to meditate, and after hours of deep stasis, he found himself sinking into a vision.</p><p>In his vision, Thane had wandered an endless desert for many days, and weeks, and years. He had toiled in the hot sun as it scorched his scales, never ceasing, never casting aside the bonds that held him back. He dragged them, no matter their weight, feeling that they were his burden to bear. He would bear them alone.</p><p>After a near eternity of traveling, he had finally reached an oasis, full of trees and water and ancient ruins. He stood before the goddess, Arashu, in her blinding glory, her many children gathered at her feet.</p><p>Thane was awed by the sight. He fell on his face, craving the embrace of the goddess, but fearing her wrath.</p><p>From her right side, he witnessed a figure approaching from the masses. She stepped forward, a glorious and bright figure, wearing the sign of the healer. He knew her.</p><p>It was Irikah, but she was not his any longer. She had left her mortal body, and she had returned to her true form. She was as fierce as he remembered, but as she looked at him, he could sense her displeasure. He knew exactly why. It had been his appointed task to protect her in mortal life, and he had failed.</p><p>“<em>I did not deserve you</em>.” He tried to confess to her, to explain his failures, but he could not speak. She looked at him for only a moment, her eyes holding the pattern for the most perfect sunset. Then, she turned away from him, and soon she had disappeared into the swirling sands.</p><p>He knew he could not follow her. He accepted that.</p><p>His eyes moved toward the goddess, seeking her guidance, needing to know how she judged him. Had he done enough to have her forgiveness? He would wish to ask the other gods the same.</p><p>Arashu loomed over him, and he dared not look at her fully, else he might be blinded. He had not yet earned that honor. He could not hear her voice, but he could understand her song. Relief soared when he realized she had not yet condemned him.</p><p>She would offer him <em>another chance.</em></p><p>From her left side came another figure, her eyes—one red and the other bright blue—a column of flame burning around her head. She was wearing the sign of the warrior. The angel approached him, and as she came closer, she stretched out her hand.</p><p>Thane knew that he was not worthy. He had once had this honor, and he had not deserved it then either. What if he failed again? How could he stand before the gods at the end of his life and profess this sin twice over?</p><p>But he could not help himself. He was drawn to her in a way he could not explain. He wanted to go to her, to stand next to her—anything to be in her light. Yet he was weak. His bonds were so heavy, and he had dragged them so far…</p><p>When the warrior angel reached him, and though he could not reach for her in return, she unlatched his bonds, freeing him of his weight, and he was finally free.</p><p>His burdens lifted, he embraced his want—his new duty. He reached for the siha, grasped her hand, and she pulled him to his feet.</p><p>Thane came out of his vision, awakening to the walls of the Normandy, and to new understanding. Shepard… She had been placed in his path—a blessing to him, as he had suspected—but now he understood the capacity.</p><p>She was a <em>siha</em>, one of the goddess Arashu’s warrior angels, sent to protect the innocent. He had once had the privilege of watching over another siha, but her time had passed. He had failed in that, but he would not fail again.</p><p>He understood so many things, enlightenment opening his mind. He was meant to be by her side, to guard and protect her in all things.</p><p>He lowered his head where he sat and began to give prayers of thanks to Arashu for the illumination. He did not yet know what he would do with the revelation other than keep it to himself, but it would remain there for him to consider. As for Shepard, he would guard and watch over her, and no matter the fate of their bodies, he would accept this duty that he had been given.</p><p><em>Siha</em>, he thought, and an unhindered smile reached his lips.  </p><hr/><p>For the rest of his waking hours, Thane had felt lighter than usual. He was full of understanding—full of purpose. Despite his attraction and personal feelings, there was a greater goal, and it was not only the mission. It was<em> her</em>. He would serve her until his last breath. Of that, he was certain.</p><p>He was not sure when he would be able to talk with her again, but he was content just with these thoughts. While he had some downtime, he thought he might clean his guns again, perhaps check them for accuracy. There was never too much of that—</p><p>His omnitool dinged, catching his attention. He had received a message. Since he was near the console, he was able to draw it up, and he was caught off guard by what he found, but not displeased.</p><p>It was a message from a contact of his, recounting a few details of his son’s life. Apparently, Kolyat had remained on Kahje with his aunts and uncles after Thane’s departure. By this account, the boy was well adjusted. He was out of school, though he had not landed on a direction for his life. He was nineteen now.</p><p>Nineteen… That had been the age he’d been when he’d met Irikah. She had been a couple of years older. Kolyat had been born when he was twenty. That seemed so surreal, to consider his son so young, and yet he, himself, had been playing at family life by that point.</p><p>But this was good news. It was the best news he could have hoped for. Thane felt that he could be at peace with this.</p><p>Good things were happening. He found himself smiling for a moment, and then his brow ridge lowered in contemplation. Good things were happening, but that vexed him. Why?</p><p><em>Accept these blessings, </em>he told himself.<em> They might still slip from you.</em></p><p>That was, perhaps, accurate advice from his own mind. He would try.</p><p>Taking a deep breath to soothe his worries, Thane took himself along his plans, gathering a couple of his guns to do some work in the armory. He waited for the door to open and stepped through—only to halt when he noticed that Shepard was heading toward his door.</p><p>“Thane.”</p><p>When she approached him, his heart began to pound. He could almost hear the blood rushing through all three chambers.</p><p>“Hello, Shepard,” he greeted her. Standing next to her had previously become more exciting, but he felt it even stronger now.</p><p>“You’re on the move,” she said. “I have bad timing.”</p><p>“I have time for you, Shepard.”</p><p>
  <em>How could I not make time, siha?</em>
</p><p>Her brow creased in thought. “Sorry I rushed out last time we talked. I had to…deal with something.”</p><p>“Of course. No harm done.” He still wondered what message she had received that had upset her so, but he would not pry. She had her own business.</p><p>“Glad there are no hard feelings,” she said, and he felt he had detected an ounce of relief. She smiled at him, and he noticed something different about her. Those strange glowing scars on her face were essentially healed.</p><p>“Your scars have nearly faded completely.”</p><p>This caught her attention. “You’ve noticed.”<br/><br/>“Of course. It seems a significant change.” He could not understand why her scars had been as they had been. It was not exactly common to see scars with what seemed like red light seeping from within them. He must only assume this had something to do with how she had been reconstructed.<br/><br/>“Apparently when they woke me up, I wasn’t fully healed yet. It had been an emergency situation, so my skin wasn’t quite what it should be. It just took some time. And apparently keeping myself in a mostly positive space has helped. Who knew?”</p><p>She was quiet a moment, discreetly glancing around, but they were alone in the corridor.</p><p>“I’d like to think you helped,” she said then, quieter.<br/><br/>Oh?<br/><br/>“If I hadn’t been able to open up to you about some of the things that have troubled me, maybe the healing wouldn’t have gone as smoothly.”<br/><br/>He laughed in his self-depreciating way. “And here I was thinking that I was mostly a burden to you, Shepard. You have been so busy trying to lift me up that you could not afford to sink down.”<br/><br/>“It’s more than that,” she insisted. “You’ve listened to me, too. We’ve leaned on each other.”</p><p>He felt a hum reverberate in his throat, pleased that he had been useful to her.<br/><br/>“I am glad to hear that. I’m happy that things are comfortable between us, and that I have been able to support you as you have supported me. You are...truly the first friend I have made in ten years.”<br/><br/>He chanced to look up at her, and there was a strange look on her face, as if she had frozen, yet it was not with surprise. What was it?<br/><br/>“Friends,” she repeated, mulling over it. “It’s a good start, don’t you think?”<br/><br/>And then it was his turn to freeze. The way she looked at him sent a wave of shock rolling through his body.<br/><br/>“A start?” he repeated. Not long ago, he had been sure he was so close to the end, he had not given much thought to starting anything, yet his feelings were apparent to him—and his responsibility to her. She seemed willing to entertain this notion. “That’s...” He could not halt his incredulous laugh. “<em>Intriguing</em>.”<br/><br/>Once again it was a failure to commit on his part, but she was smiling at him. The sight of it made him feel warm inside his chest. He felt his throat begin to swell with happiness, but he held it down.<br/><br/>Friends. <em>More</em> than friends. That pleased him.</p><hr/><p>Once the day had ended and brought him to a time of repose, Thane rested alone on his cot, pondering. He had been thinking—too much and too deeply, perhaps—about Shepard and about his vision. Though more specifically, he had been thinking about the two of them, and what might truly be between them if they both embraced it.<br/><br/><em>‘Friends. It’s a good start, don’t you think?’</em><br/><br/>Had she meant what he’d thought? But yet it did not change things. He would still die. He could not give her much time. Would it be selfish to act on what his emotions were telling him, even considering that? He did not know. Perhaps though, time was too short to wait. If he did not act on what he felt, he might never experience what he wanted. He would never have her embrace, her affection directed only at him.</p><p>And yet, he had not been honest with her. Could he be? Would she hear his confession?</p><p>There was still much thinking to be done, but he would not let it slip by him. In the coming days, he would see what came to pass.</p><p>to pass.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. To Have Loved and Lost</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>The team presses forward, Shepard at the head. Husks crawl out from the depths below, too many to count, advancing from all directions. I shoot, my bullets guided by instinct and intent. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I keep close to her, even at my own peril. Even if I fall.</em>
</p><p>Thane had realized his purpose, and he had been protecting Shepard with everything he had. This was his duty to the goddess, and he did so in her name. But on another level, it was personal. He would not tell Shepard this, of course. He would not tell anyone.</p><p>
  <em>Perhaps one day I will be that comfortable with her. Until then, my reasons will rest in the shadows.</em>
</p><p>“I’ve started looking forward to this,” Shepard said as she settled in her chair across from him. Having tea with her had almost become a ritual—a way to unwind after battle.</p><p>“I enjoy it as well,” he said, sipping tea from his cup.</p><p>“It doesn’t interfere with your reflections, does it?”</p><p>“There is always time for reflection, Shepard. Time with you is rare and precious.”</p><p><em>Friends. More than friends. A start</em>. As he looked at her now, he could not stop thinking about the prospect. He did not want to be nervous for their conversations, but nerves were certainly involved. He doubted that she could tell, however.</p><p>“I’ve been thinking about something,” she started.</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“I wanted to ask you: you spoke openly of a memory before—something about ‘sunset colored eyes’?”</p><p>He paused, but was quick to counter his shock.</p><p>“Ah, that time.” He hadn’t meant for that to come out. Still, he held back from her. He was afraid to tell her everything—afraid what she would think if she knew. But how fair was that? He wanted to know everything about her, and yet he dared not give her the same. She knew some things about him, and even the fact that he was a professional killer would have been enough to turn many people away, and yet here she was before him.</p><p>This siha certainly knew how to coax him toward things he was hesitant about. Still, he was not sure how to proceed. His heart began to pump nervously.</p><p>“It was strange that you just blurted that out,” she said.</p><p>Perhaps he could steer this conversation away and direct it where he wanted it to go.</p><p>“I do not always blurt things out, as I sometimes do with you. For drell, memories take over the mind at times, but when it happens while you and I are speaking, I simply begin to describe what I see, as if it is part of the conversation. I don’t believe I would do that with anyone else. You…disarm me, in that way. I have not spoken with anyone like we have spoken in many years.”</p><p>“Yes, I haven’t heard you do that except when we’re talking together. I’m glad that you feel comfortable with me.”</p><p>“That is a tall order, Shepard.”</p><p>Had he succeeded? Had he managed to redirect the path of the conversation so that he would not have to say—</p><p>“Who did you speak to before?” she asked, and here he found himself once more. Perhaps it was not worth the fight. It might be simpler just to confess.</p><p>He wanted to tell her anything—everything—but he had held himself back. She wanted to know him, but how could she ask about something she did not know? Finally, he swallowed his pride.</p><p>“I had a family once,” he blurted. “A wife and son.”</p><p>Was she surprised? Perhaps. An assassin, meddling in domestic affairs? It even seemed ridiculous to him at times, a line not meant to be crossed.</p><p>“That…” She paused, then regained herself. “I don’t know why that surprises me.”</p><p>He smiled knowingly and looked down at the tabletop. “I don’t seem like a family man, I know.”</p><p>“You just haven’t mentioned them at all.”</p><p>“No, it is not something that I talk about…often.”</p><p>They both grew quiet, and he could feel the tension building—at least for him.</p><p>“You said ‘had’,” she alleged, invading his mind. “What happened to them?”</p><p>“I abandoned them,” he said quickly, then realized how she might have judged him for that. “Oh, not all at once. Nothing dramatic. No sneaking out in the middle of the night; no final slammed door. I just…did my job. I hunted and killed across the galaxy. I let myself slip away from them. ‘<em>Away on business’</em>, my wife would tell people. I was always...<em>’away on business’</em>. My wife… Her name was Irikah. We met…completely by accident. Well…in a way.”</p><p>He explained how he had met Irikah, how she had blocked his shot, how he had sought her out because of how she had taken over his mind. He told Shepard about his decision to freelance after they married, and of his son, Kolyat. It all spilled out from him naturally. He did not fight against it. As he continued on, he found it to be a relief.</p><p>“You miss them.” It was not a question. She had inferred it by the way he had spoken.</p><p>“I…yes, at times.”</p><p>Shepard was quiet, and he wondered what was going through her mind. Distaste? Pity? Likely she was searching for something to say in consolation, but how could she? Not when he had been at fault for his family’s decay.</p><p>“Do not trouble yourself, Shepard,” he said. “I know what I have lost. And I have no illusions about my life. My time with her… It was an ideal that I wished to possess, but could not quite maintain. I kept my work separate from our home life. Irikah did not wish to talk of…those things. She abhorred violence. It was like I had two lives—was stretched to become two people. There was the life I was brought up for, and there was the life I wanted. I regret to say that, as time went on, I slipped into the one that was most familiar to me.’</p><p>“After Kolyat was a few years old, I began to feel more detached. I didn’t know how to be a father. I barely knew my own. They needed me to be present—domestic. Family gatherings and school activities and dull conversation with people I barely knew. I loved them with my whole self, but I couldn’t be what they needed me to be, and so I threw myself into my work. I told myself it was for the best. They could have a secure life and I could provide for them. I wanted them to have everything. And we lived well. But I became engrossed in my work—distracted. My heart wanted to be there with them, but my body was meant for other things. I was <em>disconnected</em>. Our relationship suffered.’</p><p>“I would come home for only a day or two at a time, sometimes just to close myself up in my office and sleep on the sofa before leaving again. She was longsuffering. No doubt she would have waited for an eternity for me to right myself. But that wasn’t fair to her. A small part of me, I think, hoped that they would move on without me—knew that I wasn’t what they needed, but… well. It was selfishness on my part to think that I could have both.”</p><p>Thane became aware that he had been talking for a long time, and Shepard had not said a word. He could not tell her the rest, not yet. Perhaps one day he would be able, but he could not see how it was relevant now.</p><p>He had handed her his shame—served it to her on a silver platter. How would she judge him for these things?</p><p>“Even though it ended badly, I still think you’re lucky,” she said, “to have had that.”</p><p>Lucky? He was certain that everything he had just said pointed to misery. How had she picked luck out of that? The pain was so much that he had often wondered, yet he could not say he would have traded that time. Would he have done it differently? Yes. But he could not go back.</p><p>Leave it to Shepard to see the things others<em> weren’t</em> saying.</p><p>“Yes,” he agreed. “I was fortunate to know her. More so to be welcomed to share a life with her.”</p><p><em>Even if I ruined it</em>.</p><p>Shepard was smiling softly, and he guessed she was drawing on his own recollections of fondness. She was such a wonderful empath. He was certain, however, that there was a rim of sadness around her expression.</p><p>“I’ve never been in love like that,” she said, considering it. He suddenly felt the intimacy of this conversation, not only for him, but for her. She was offering this to him, and he had not had to ask. It had been an exchange. “I’ve had relationships, but none that stuck. I think I came close once though.”</p><p>“Ah yes, the asari,” he guessed, remembering the previous conversation that Garrus and the others had been having in the mess.</p><p>Her eyes widened, her voice growing higher with every note. “Asari? Liara? Oh, no.” Lower. “No.”</p><p>His interest perked up.</p><p>“Liara is a dear friend, but no we— I believe love is love no matter the gender or species, but…I…prefer men.”</p><p>Well. That was useful on both counts.</p><p>She adjusted herself, arms folded over each other, resting on the table.</p><p>“He was human,” she went on, “part of the team that went after Saren, and we were together for a few months after.”</p><p>She looked at the table as she spoke, recalling, not looking at him.</p><p>“There was an attraction between us, undeniably, but…”</p><p>He watched her brow crinkle as she considered how to explain. He waited, anxious for the chance to know her more.</p><p>“I cared about him, but it was like I was waiting to feel that…<em>love</em> feeling. That spark, that deep affection, that ‘I-can’t-imagine-life-without-you’ feeling. But I never did feel that. I think <em>he</em> did. But I didn’t. After a while, I just felt guilty. I was trying to decide what to do. I kept thinking that maybe I should just give it a little more time.”</p><p>“What happened? If you don’t mind my asking.”</p><p>Her eyes lifted to his, and the look in them seemed very far away. “I died,” she said. “I guess the decision was made for me.”</p><p><em>Died…</em> He certainly could not bring himself to ask about that.</p><p>“Have you spoken to him? Does he know that you are back?” He wanted to help her sort through these feelings—even the ones she was not speaking of. At the same time, he pondered the answers to these questions. He felt nervous for them.</p><p>“I saw him on Horizon—before you and I met. It was…not pretty. He had heard that I was alive. He was glad to see me, I think. But he wasn’t too happy about the whole ‘Cerberus’ thing. Questioned my loyalties. He was always such a damn idealist.”</p><p>“Ah,” Thane said, feeling just a bit guilty for his probing questions. He did not want to cause her unnecessary pain.</p><p>“That, um…message I got before when we were together. It was from him. It was like he was trying to backtrack on everything he said on Horizon. I didn’t respond. It just pissed me off. Sometimes it’s easier for me just to be angry about it,” she confessed. “Less complicated. And so, angry I remain.”</p><p>She sat for a moment with that thought, then seemed to snap back to herself. She, herself, had gotten lost. He was glad he was not the only one.</p><p>“Listen to me,” she said, shaking her head and laughing at herself. “I just went on about <em>myself</em>. We were supposed to be talking about <em>you</em>.”</p><p>“No, no, Shepard,” he corrected. “I shared my experience and you shared yours. It is how people connect. I am glad to have heard your story.”</p><p>“We’re really something, aren’t we?” she mused. “Both drowning in self-pity.”</p><p>He leaned back into a comfortable pose, folding his hands together. “What a pair we make.”</p><p>They were quiet again, the reactor humming steadily. Thane would have much to consider when she left.</p><p>“Well, I think we’ve both had enough fun for one night,” she said, leaning back. “Let’s part on a lighter note, shall we?”</p><p>“What do you have in mind?”</p><p>She was quiet a moment, thinking—plotting. She smiled a mischievous smile.</p><p>“How about some krogan poetry?” she said finally.</p><p>He sighed heavily.</p><p>The mere fact she had said it made him have to recall it. He feared she would ask him to recite it for her, but managed to keep it to himself. Still, they both laughed, knowing this, and he did not have to say a word.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>(A/N): I really love these chapters that leave me with warm fuzzy feelings. Once again, thank you for the comments and support! I look forward to posting new chapters every week, and I'm currently working diligently on Book 2. I hope to have it ready to roll as soon as this one is complete. I'm glad you're all enjoying my interpretation, and am grateful for the response!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Baptized in Fire</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>The air is hot, humid, and as we press on, it is full of smoke. The lack of oxygen takes a toll on me. I didn’t plan for this, but I must press on. There is no choice.</em>
</p><p>All said and done, Thane was feeling better, physically, but his mind was troubled by many things.</p><p>He had accompanied Shepard on a mission to aid Zaeed in a matter of an individual nature. They had gone to the planet Zorya, to an abandoned oil refinery where the Blue Suns mercenary group had taken refuge. And Zaeed had a personal stake.</p><p>Thane had to admit that the human mercenary was a force to be reckoned with, but Zaeed was very different from him. Perhaps that was why Shepard had chosen to bring Thane along, to balance the group. He felt that she did that at times. As she judged what her crew needed individually, she also predicted how they would work together in different situations.</p><p><em>The man’s mind is heavy with his need for revenge. I believe he will stop at nothing to get that.</em><br/><br/>Despite all Shepard’s wisdom, the mission had greatly concerned Thane from the start. Zaeed… Thane could tell that he was only thinking about his revenge and nothing else, certainly not the wellbeing of the team. Thane had predicted bad tidings to come.</p><p>“I knew Vido was a sadistic bastard back when I founded the Blue Suns,” Zaeed had told them as they stood in the depth of the jungle, “but of course no one knows that. Vido erased me from the records. I led the men, he handled the books. Worked real well for a while. Then he started hiring <em>batarians</em>. Cheaper labor, he said. Goddamn terrorists, I said.”</p><p>“Twenty years is an awful long time to hold a grudge and not do anything about it,” Shepard commented. “Over what? Pride?”</p><p>“A <em>grudge</em>?” Zaeed had gotten angry at that, lurching toward Shepard with a finger in her face. “Vido turned my men against me. He paid six of them to restrain me while he put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger! This scar idn’t just decoration, Shepard.”</p><p>Thane had been on high alert, watching every movement, thinking of ways to subdue Zaeed if it came to that. He could have done it easily. He was ready.</p><p>“For twenty years, I’ve seen that bastard every time I close my eyes, every time I’ve sighted down a target; every time I heard a gunshot. Don’t call that a <em>grudge</em>!” Zaeed had paused, looking over his shoulder at Thane looming a few paces away. “An’ tell your assassin to get off my back,” he snarled.</p><p>Thane had merely looked at him without expression, unabashed. He would do as Shepard instructed, or he would act on his own if it was to protect her. He thought he might have to come to blows with the scarred merc, judging by the way he yelled at Shepard, but it did not come to that. The mercenary calmed.</p><p>“I didn’t know he shot you in the head,” Shepard said, getting back on the man’s level. “That would have pissed me off too.”</p><p>“Piss me off is all it did,” Zaeed agreed. “You’ve been there. You survived your ship being disintegrated. Rage is a hell of an anesthetic. But that’s why this has to happen, Shepard. Get it now?”</p><p>“Yeah, I get it,” she’d said. “Let’s move.”</p><p>They had moved together through the humid jungle, sending numerous mercs to the sea. Zaeed had followed Shepard’s lead, as he had done so many times before, but when they had gotten inside the refinery and Zaeed had set eyes on Vido, something changed. He’d forgotten his place and had gone rogue almost immediately, firing without Shepard’s word. Thane and Shepard had ducked for cover as Zaeed brought on an explosion that had shaken the compound, sending fiery debris down on them.</p><p>Zaeed hadn’t even been lucky enough to take down his target. All he had done was wound a few men and create a hazard.</p><p>“What the <em>hell</em> was that?” Shepard had demanded, full of fury, grabbing Zaeed roughly by the collar.</p><p>“I was clearing our path. I want Vido dead. I don’t care what it takes.”</p><p>“We’re here to get your revenge,” she said. “I promised you that. But the next time you pull shit like that, you’d better let me know.”</p><p>Her voice was stern and commanding. It seemed that nothing else would work on the mercenary. Thane felt she had judged him correctly. There was no place for sweet words here.</p><p>“Fine then, Shepard,” Zaeed agreed with a smirk. “After you.”</p><p>Thane had followed behind them into the fiery compound. He tried to keep his mind clear as his lungs took in the smoke, but he had an uneasy feeling. Shepard was good at maintaining control, but Thane wondered if she truly <em>had</em> control over this headstrong mercenary. Thane did not like any of it.</p><p>They had moved through the compound, pressing toward Vido’s escape route, and Thane was grateful when they had come back out into the open air momentarily. He had filled his lungs as well as he could.</p><p>They were set to press back inside, when a voice had shouted to them from a walkway above.</p><p>“<em>Help!</em>” A human male was waving his arms to have their attention. “We’re trapped! We can’t get to the valves to shut them off. The whole place is going to blow!”</p><p>“There are <em>civilians</em> here?” Shepard demanded, looking at Zaeed with fire in her eyes. “I thought you said this place was deserted!”</p><p>“Vido is the reason we’re here!” Zaeed had shouted. “Leave ‘em!”</p><p>Thane would not stand for that. He knew that Shepard wouldn’t either.</p><p>“Kill as many mercs as you want, but I’m not going to leave innocent people to burn to death,” she said firmly. “That’s your fault in the first place!”</p><p>“Fine! I’ll go on without you then. Piss off!”</p><p>Shepard had shoved Zaeed, hard, pressing him back. “You move with me, or you don’t step foot back on the Normandy. Got it?”</p><p>Zaeed had seemed to cool, but he was boiling with rage beneath. Thane could see it; he could sense it. It crackled through the air.</p><p>“Oh, I’ll follow you, Shepard. But if Vido gets away from me, I’m holding you <em>personally</em> responsible.”</p><p>Shepard had called to the survivor for information about the location of the valves. It seemed there were two sets, but the workers had been restrained by the Blue Suns and were not only unable to get to the valves, but they could not get out of the compound either. Thane knew how serious this was for those people, and he knew Shepard did as well. Zaeed, however, would not be satisfied without blood.</p><p>“We’ve got to put out these fires,” she said, changing the subject quickly.</p><p>“I will go alone to one side, Shepard,” Thane volunteered. “That will save us time.”</p><p>He did not want to leave her alone with Massani, but he also knew that they had to move quickly. He would move at her word, trusting in her.</p><p>She regarded him a moment, but made her decision quickly.</p><p>“Go,” she instructed. “We’ll free the other group and go after Vido.”</p><p>Thane moved, going swiftly back into the fiery compound.</p><p>“This is what he <em>wants</em>, Shepard!” Thane had heard Zaeed yell as he dashed away. “It’s a distraction so that he can escape!”</p><p>“You know what I stand for, Zaeed,” she told him sternly, and that was all Thane heard before he was out of earshot.</p><p>Thane had breathed as little as possible, but he’d still been affected. Once, he had been able to hold his breath for an impressive fifteen minutes, but that was no longer the case—not since his disease had taken hold. The smoke was worse as he moved back inside, but he remembered the instructions perfectly, and it was not long before he accessed several consoles to shut off the fuel.</p><p>He had found a group of workers locked in a room, and one had shouted to him that there was an extinguishing system upstairs. He was grateful for that, for his own sake as well as theirs. He managed to find and trigger the sprinkler system that began to drench the fires. Then, he returned to the human captives to release them. Knowing they had a clear path to the outside, he had left them alone to fend for themselves, and had immediately moved to find where Shepard had gone. He had remembered the directions to the other set of valves as well.</p><p>Shepard and Zaeed had already done their duty by the time he got there, and he pressed forward along what he perceived to be their path.</p><p>When he’d come back around, out into the humid air on a walkway above, Zaeed was shooting furiously into the air at an escaping helicopter, screaming with rage. Thane knew what that meant. He’d not gotten his man, and he was furious.</p><p>“You cost me twenty years of my life!” Zaeed screamed, aiming his gun at Shepard, but she was quick on the draw, her own gun set on him in return.</p><p>“Zaeed, you don’t want to do this,” she told him, a strong warning in her voice.</p><p>“The hell I don’t! You stood between me and my revenge. Why shouldn’t I take you out instead?”</p><p>Thane’s gun was ready. He had tried to move as quickly and silently as possible to keep Zaeed unaware. He was beginning to suspect he would have to act against him, perhaps even kill him. He only hoped he could reach Shepard before the man fired.</p><p>“I can respect the idea of revenge on a certain level,” Shepard said, “and I was willing to help you get that, but not at the expense of innocent lives!”</p><p>“You’ve made a mistake, Shepard,” Zaeed had snarled.</p><p>They were at a standoff, their fingers twitching. Thane had a clear shot at Zaeed’s head…</p><p>If not for the explosion, Thane was not sure what would have happened.</p><p>A tank nearby had exploded, breaking the standoff below almost at the same time he reached them. It kicked more debris into the air, clouding his vision. He could not see Shepard, but he heard no gunfire. Eventually, he heard Zaeed yell in pain.</p><p>Thane took a raspy breath, noting Shepard through the haze. Despite the pain in his lungs, he felt relief.</p><p>Zaeed was on the ground, pinned beneath a heavy beam. His gun had been knocked away, out of his reach across the platform. Shepard stepped near him, and Thane circled around, gun still trained on Zaeed.</p><p>Shepard met his eye, motioned for him to stand down. But she did not help Massani.</p><p>“You put your own goals ahead of my orders,” she told him, her voice deathly calm. “That’s not how this works.”</p><p>“I’ve survived for years watching my own back. No time to worry about anyone else.”</p><p>Shepard had drawn her own gun and pointed it at the mercenary’s head. Thane believed he saw death reflecting in the mercenary’s eyes—acceptance. He had brought himself to this point, and now he was to be without revenge or he would never get it.</p><p>“You’re part of a team now, Zaeed. There’s no way we can do this unless we’re all working together. I hope you learned that today.”</p><p>Shepard had shown mercy, and Zaeed had submitted. It was the first time that Thane had seen her unable to accomplish something that she had promised, but that had not been her fault. Massani had sabotaged himself.</p><p>On the return shuttle, Thane had slipped to the back, out of sight. He took deep breaths, trying to loosen his lungs. He was pleased that they had saved the workers, but was upset with himself for his own weakness.</p><p>He did not want Shepard to see this side of him.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Her voice nearly startled him. He could not quite meet her eye.</p><p>“I will be fine in a moment,” he said quickly. He did not usually mind her company, but part of him wished that she would leave him be.</p><p>“Do you need some oxygen?”</p><p>“No, thank you. It will pass, Shepard.”</p><p>Still, she did not leave. He could not bring himself to look at her. At his continued silence, she did eventually turn away to leave him to it, and within a few moments, his discomfort had faded, as he’d said. There had been no need for concern.</p><p>When they had returned to the Normandy, Shepard had insisted that they all see the doctor for smoke inhalation before they could be cleared for duty again. Thane knew this was for his sake specifically, but Shepard had played it off as if they had all needed it. A precaution, since they had been exposed. He had taken some oxygen, and admittedly, if it had not been for her insistence, he likely would not have done so on his own.</p><p><em>‘You are so stubborn, Thane. I don’t know how I put up with you.’ </em>Irikah had always told him that. It was one of her favorite things to say. He could not deny that it was true.</p><p>Once Thane had settled back into the warm air of Life Support, he felt more like himself again. And after a while, Shepard had come to check on him.</p><p>“How are you feeling?” she asked as she moved to her seat. “Tell me the truth.”</p><p>“I am well. No harm done.” At least, it was not more harm than usual. He did not want to admit his weakness. It shamed him. Shepard might decide that she had no use of him following that, but he would not abandon the mission—would not leave the siha.</p><p>“I didn’t mean for you to push yourself that hard,” she said, her voice soft. “Circumstances were…out of control.”</p><p>“They were. But I am alright. You needn’t worry,” he assured her. His pride had taken a blow, and he did not want to admit this—how even now, his breath was shorter than he would like.</p><p>“That whole thing was such a mess,” she said, sighing. “I wanted to let you know that Zaeed and I have come to an understanding. He won’t agree that I was right, but I convinced him he’d get another chance. Vido was hurt pretty bad in the explosion. Nothing wrong with letting him live a while longer to suffer.”</p><p>“I suppose you guessed that was what he wanted to hear.”</p><p>“I’ve gotta get my people to stay optimistic,” she reasoned.</p><p>He said nothing. He folded his hands and held them near his chin, lowering his face to the table in thought. Perhaps he could tell her how he was feeling, but that might shame him even more. To keep this to himself was merely another burden he must bear on his own.</p><p><em>The siha… She is meant to hear my confessions. She is meant to lend me strength</em>. He believed that, but…</p><p>“There’s something else I want to say to you,” she brought up.</p><p>“What is on your mind?”</p><p>“<em>You</em>,” she said, and he was pulled to attention. “Your illness.”</p><p>That gave him pause. She knew of his trouble. Of course he had already known that she knew, but what sort of tact was she exhibiting by bringing it up?</p><p>“Understandable,” he said simply. Where was this going to lead?</p><p>“I know you say your illness can’t be cured, but maybe we could do something for you here,” she suggested. “The med bay is state of the art. We have Mordin and Miranda; they’re geniuses.”</p><p>“No, thank you,” he said calmly. “It is being attended to.”</p><p>He had spoken of the Illuminated Primacy’s commission for work on Kepral’s Syndrome, and had also told her that he did not believe his body would still draw breath by the time it bore fruit. But that had nothing to do with him. He had accepted his lot. He knew his purpose was to be here with Shepard through the mission’s end. After that, he would accept whatever fate befell him.</p><p>“Maybe there has been progress that you don’t know about. I haven’t looked into it myself either, but have you kept track of it?”</p><p>“I have made my peace, Shepard. You know this.”</p><p>He did not want to have this conversation, feeling a bit standoffish. He had already shown weakness to her. He had accepted that deterioration would happen, but he had hoped it would happen mostly in private—or not at all.</p><p>
  <em>Perhaps I will lose to death before I am expected to wither away.</em>
</p><p>“I get it now,” she said, her voice level, but not soothing. She was furious. “You haven’t taken care of yourself. These past ten years, you’ve been slowly moving toward death, and you’ve been doing it <em>to yourself</em>. Your illness… You’ve refused to try, maybe even pushed it to get worse. You really believe there is nothing else... You truly want to die.”</p><p>“I have no reason to live.”</p><p>Perhaps he had said it without thinking—years of repeating that mantra to himself so that he would believe it. And yet it had come from his mouth, and he could not take it back.</p><p>She got up swiftly, the chair flying out from beneath her. She had disliked that, in such a heated fury that he thought she might come across the table and slap him. Thane remained calm. He could not change the past, could not elect to make himself well simply because—</p><p>She did not say anything. Perhaps she did not trust herself, or maybe she had judged him unworthy of the effort. Shepard left him sitting there at the table, alone and feeling somewhat guilty, but he was not sure why. He had explained himself to her already, but he should not have to. He had prepared himself for an easy transition for his soul. Attempting to fight it was futile.</p><p>But if so, why did he now feel doubt?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Kolyat</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I have no reason to live… I should not have said that to her.</em>
</p><p>After that, Shepard had not come to speak with him for a couple of days. When they crossed paths—always at a distance—she might glance his way, but she would always turn. Thane did not dare speak to her, especially around others, but he thought of her continually.</p><p>She was angry with him because of their last conversation. But what did she want him to say? He could not tell her that he had changed his mind, for what good would it do? He could not halt the progression of his illness simply because he wished it. Thane felt it was better for him to simply embrace the death that was approaching. In that way, his soul would be free to seek rest. If he fought against it, his soul might be lost.</p><p>But Shepard was a fighter. He believed that was why she had gotten angry with him. It was in her nature to fight for those too weak to fight for themselves. That was how she saw him. In her eyes, he had given up and refused to try. Perhaps she had even been inspired to help him, but could not figure out how. She was frustrated with him, yes, but she was also disturbed by the idea of giving up. To her, there was always a solution other than to lay down and die.</p><p>As far as their relationship was concerned, he believed he was doing the only thing he could do in this instance. He was giving her time to cool down. He did not like that this was between them, but he did not believe that approaching her was the best plan of action. He knew her well enough to know that. He did not particularly want ‘his head bitten off’, as humans say.</p><p>He had tried to keep his mind occupied with other things in his personal time, but it was difficult. Shepard would come around when she was ready, and if not…</p><p>
  <em>I will still be here.</em>
</p><p>Thane was absent as he reached for the console. Perhaps he would browse, read some articles. He turned on the screen, and noticed that he had gotten a new message from an old contact. He was not sure, however, what it would be. An update on his son?</p><p>He opened the message and began to read it with full attention—and he completely forgot about his current issue with Shepard.</p><hr/><p>After reading the message, Thane had spoken with Kelly to summon Shepard. He had requested for her to come see him, but he was not sure if she would after their last encounter. If she did not soon, he would take it upon himself to seek her out. He would go directly to her cabin if he must. This could not be ignored, no matter what had transpired between them.</p><p>In the meantime, he attempted to meditate, but he was troubled, relying on his training to keep himself calm, but his mind raced with possibility.</p><p>
  <em>Why, my son, even knowing what you know, would you seek this path?</em>
</p><p>Thane grew restless, thinking he might once again express urgency to Kelly, when he heard his door chime and open.</p><p>And then, there she was. She came into the room without announcement, but she did not smile to see him. Instead, she looked somber.</p><p>“Hey,” she said. “Listen, before you say anything, I wanted to apologize for the way I acted before—”</p><p>“Shepard,” he said firmly. “I’m sorry to interrupt you. I want to talk about this, I do, but I… Something has happened.”</p><p>Her expression changed immediately to surprise, then intent. Her mask fell away, showing a face of compassion.</p><p>“What’s wrong? Are you feeling sick?” He thought he heard a note of alarm in her voice. “I could get the doctor.”</p><p>“No, it’s…something else. Now that you are here though, it seems…difficult to talk about.”</p><p>He could not quite get the words out, his mind searching for the best way to convey his urgency. He turned and paced toward the gun case, lost in thought.</p><p>“It’s about my son, Kolyat.” Perhaps it was best to say it plainly.</p><p>“Is he alright?” She had never met his son, and yet she already understood that this matter was too large for petty differences between them.</p><p>“I…” Thane struggled for the words to explain. “He has learned some things he should not have. He knows where I’ve been—what I’ve done. I had prepared a package for him, a relic of my ill-spent life. I left it with volus bankers and arranged for delivery once I died. He acquired it early. I’m not sure how. He has taken a job on the Citadel as a…<em>hitman</em>. I would like your help to stop him. He is…this is not a path he should walk.”</p><p>He tried to respect her wish by remaining formal, but he had the impression she would see through him. Her face revealed her.</p><p>“He decided this on his own?”</p><p>“So it seems. Though it does not seem right. The things described in those files were not meant to be revered. My name… He should not respect it.”</p><p>More than anything else, Thane could not understand that. His son should have hated him for his sins and for how he had abandoned him for such an unholy path. Kolyat should not have decided to drop everything to follow in his footsteps.</p><p>“Maybe he wants to be closer to you,” she suggested. “Maybe he thinks it will help him understand or give him some sort of closure.”</p><p>“That haunts me, Shepard. He is not skilled. He does not know what he is doing. Simply because one can acquire a gun does not mean they are meant for that kind of work. He could be killed, or if he succeeds, it will only be the start. This is not what I wanted for him.”</p><p>Thane felt lost, helpless. He wanted to go to his son, to stop him, but in a way, he wanted Shepard to tell him how to go about it. She had often spoken of being aware of the needs of others when they were in a position in which they were unable to think. He trusted her to be aware of his.</p><p>“I’ll help you however I can,” she told him. “What do you need from me?”<strong><br/><br/></strong><em>I just need you to be there. I need your strength. Lend it to me, so that I might be strong as well.</em></p><p>“I need your… No, I <em>want</em> your help, Shepard. When my wife departed from her body I…attended to that issue.” <em>I killed the ones who did that to her. All of them. I heard their blood scream.</em> “I left Kolyat in the care of his aunts and uncles on Kahje. I have not seen or talked to him since.”</p><p>Thane forced himself to look at her face, to read her expression. He believed she was conflicted, and he realized that it was the first time he had told her that Irikah was not only a deserted wife, abandoned and lonely. No, it was far worse.</p><p>
  <em>‘Is this your wife?’ they ask. They show me her face, to identify her, but I wish they had not. I wish, likewise, that she was instead someone else—anyone else. And now I am stuck with the memory of how she looked—of how they abused her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>No, I think. No, that is not my wife. I tell myself that. I let myself grow numb to it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Yes,’ I say.</em>
</p><p>“She… I’m sorry to hear that,” Shepard said.</p><p>“Yes, it was…unexpected.” That was all he could bring himself to say.</p><p>“I suppose I can guess why you didn’t keep your son with you.”</p><p>“Yes, I didn’t want this life for Kolyat. I hoped he would find his own way. If he hated me, so be it, but he at least would not share the path of sin.”</p><p>He wondered over what she thought of this. He knew that what he was saying now was not exactly as he had laid it out to her before.</p><p>“What happened the last time you spoke to him?” she asked.</p><p>He saw it. The ocean was crashing before him. Other drell—family, friends, all so distant from him now—were standing around him, tearful, mourning. He kept his head lowered, watching the endless waves. Kolyat was beside him, young and small. Thane was holding his hand, but he could hardly feel it within in his grip. He had not shed a single tear that day.</p><p>“<em>They’ve wrapped her body in sea vines. Weighted it with stones. He tries to pull from me. Calls for her. The hanar lift her off the platform. They sing like bells. ‘The Fire has gone to be kindled anew’. He begs them not to take her away. They let her body slide into the water. He hits me. ‘Don’t let them! Stop them! Why weren’t you…?’” </em>He paused. Sighed.<em> “It rains. It always rains on Kahje. Warm water pours down his face…</em>”  </p><p>He felt a touch on his arm, and then he was back on the Normandy, where the only sound was the gentle hum of the reactor. Shepard was before him, wearing a look of sympathy, her hand resting lightly on his arm.<br/><br/>“I didn’t mean to make you relive that.” Her hand slipped away. He immediately missed its warmth.<br/><br/>“Perfect memory,” he said, trying to brush it off so that her expression would fade. “It is sometimes a burden.”</p><p>He could see the sympathy in her eyes, and she did not press him further. Perhaps she could accept it that they would talk more later. For now, the matter was urgent.</p><p>“Do you think it will take more than the two of us?”<br/><br/>“No. In fact, I would prefer to involve the least amount of people possible.”<br/><br/>She nodded. “I’ll get us to the Citadel,” she promised.</p><p>“Thank you, Shepard. I will be meditating until you need me.”</p><p>He turned away from her, full of shame and worry and dread. She did not let her gaze linger on him, and turned to go.</p><p>He missed her, but he was grateful for the relief. They would be en route soon, and he would seek to have this resolved. And yet even if they arrived, Thane was not sure if they could stop Kolyat. So many things could go wrong—and it would be his fault.</p><p>Thane seated himself at the table, folding his hands before him, and murmured a frequent prayer.</p><p>“Amonkira, Lord of Hunters, grant that my hands be steady, my aim true, and my feet swift. And should the worst come to pass, <em>grant me forgiveness</em>.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chasing Names</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Thane squared his shoulders, speaking directly into the console.</p><p>“Kolyat, I know you are going through many difficult things. Despite what you are feeling, do continue to cooperate with the C-Sec officers. Especially Captain Bailey. He has good intentions toward you. You have made mistakes, but this is not the end. I have prayed for you, that you may find peace. I know I am a part of that. I will do what I can for you. Be strong. I will make myself available when you are ready to talk further.”<br/><br/>He did not tell Kolyat that he loved him. He thought, at this point, it might make his son angry, and so he held back. He would press forward as easily as he could, though he knew he hadn’t the time for too much reluctance.<br/><br/>Having finished the recorded message, Thane’s mind shifted to his meditations. He began to review the events that had happened recently, which had all served to bring him back to his son.<br/><br/>Shepard had gone to the Citadel with him, as he had requested, and together they began to work at finding out where his son was, and what exactly he intended to do. Thane had been nervous for this excursion, though of course he did not show it. Unlike many of the missions he ran with Shepard, he could not detach himself from it. He had trusted her to guide him through it. He had to rely on her wisdom.<br/><br/>They had spoken with Captain Bailey, the head of the Zakera Ward division of C-Sec. Thane was not above talking to law enforcement in this instance, if he must. He only wanted to find his son before the boy did anything irredeemable—even if it meant confessing exactly who he was. Thane believed he was ready to do that, to face his own crimes if it meant saving Kolyat. It had not come to that, however. Perhaps Shepard had sensed that his guard was down, but she had led the conversation. She may have even been shielding him from it; Thane was not sure. But Bailey had been helpful. He had told them that a drell had been spotted recently, who’d been speaking to a former duct rat named ‘Mouse’.</p><p>“What’s a ‘duct rat’?” Shepard had asked. Thane had felt that she would regret that question, and after a moment, he believed that she did.</p><p>Bailey was swift to educate her. “It’s slang for the poor kids who grow up on the station. When they’re small, they tend to hide in the vents where adults can’t get to them.”</p><p>He then proceeded to tell her how they often died in the vents—how many bodies they pulled free each year, lacerated by fan blades, broken by deadfalls, suffocated by vacuum exposure. Then so many others who just disappeared, leading them to speculate of even more horrible deaths for those children.</p><p>Thane himself had…not quite known all of that. At the time he had last been on the Citadel, he’d not had it in him to care.</p><p>“Oh God, that’s enough,” Shepard had said with disgust. Thane knew she would not like that. He did not volunteer to mention that he had often exploited these children for his needs, along with anyone who had a weakness—the underprivileged, the addicts—anyone who could be bought with simple things. At the time, he had only been focused on reaching his own goals. It was only after he had begun to reflect that he realized what a monster he had been. He had never harmed innocents, but he had never done anything to help them, either.</p><p>
  <em>Mouse was much the same. I knew he looked up to me, but I could not save him. No, I chose not to.</em>
</p><p>Thane had known this ‘<em>Mouse’</em>, but he had not told Shepard this—still failing to be completely honest with her. It was difficult for him to trust, but he wanted to. Perhaps he had simply wished to reveal as few of his failings to her as possible. He would seek this process. Aside from that, he wanted to be sure with his own eyes that it was the Mouse that he remembered.<br/><br/><em>Mouse...</em> He felt a pang of guilt to think of him now. <em>He looks up at me, broken teeth and scabby knees, bare feet black—a deadened future, looking up at me, worshipping the petty gifts I offer.</em> But to witness the look on the young man’s face when he had turned to see him <em>and </em>Shepard had been amusing. Thane had actually smiled.</p><p>“Oh shit! Krios!” Mouse squeaked. “I thought you retired. Wha— Commander Shepard? I thought you were <em>dead</em>. What do you want with me?”<br/><br/>“Be still, Mouse,” he’d said, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder, but he held an air of menace. “You can change your pants in a moment.”<br/><br/>“How do you know Thane?” Shepard asked him, but Mouse was wise, learned from a life of hardship. He would not reveal the truth in the face of someone dangerous, even if he was familiar. Mouse knew who Thane was—was aware of not only his reputation, but his deeds. It had been years since Thane had seen Mouse, but he had not been able to dwell on it at the time.<br/><br/>Thane could have held it back from her, but he decided to be honest. She would judge him as she willed. He knew that she would.<br/><br/>“When we first heard the name, I didn’t think it could be the same ‘Mouse’. He was a contact on the Citadel when I was active. He and a group of other children used to gather information on my targets.”</p><p>“You put children in danger to <em>spy </em>for you?” She was nearly shouting, angry. He knew how she felt about this, but the truth was what it was. There was only to admit it.<br/><br/>“Children, the poor. My people’s word for them is <em>Drala-fa,</em> ‘the ignored’. They are everywhere, see everything. But they are never seen.”<br/><br/>He had kept his tone calm and indifferent, and she had cooled, but she had not forgiven it. That, he could see clearly.<br/><br/>When Shepard said nothing else, he took Mouse by the collar. “You gave instructions to another drell for an assassination. Who’s the target?”<br/><br/>He made sure to hold Mouse’s gaze, making the startled human peer into the void of his dark eyes.<br/><br/>“Krios, you were always nice to us, but… The people I work for...” He stammered. “I can’t just tell anybody.”<br/><br/>“But you can tell <em>me</em>,” Thane insisted, twisting his collar a little tighter. “Speak.”</p><p><em>Elias Kelham</em>. That was the name they needed for the next step. Thane had been ready to walk away from Mouse—yet again—but Shepard was not.<br/><br/>“We’re not done,” Shepard had said, calling him back. “I heard you were selling an illegal VI personality of me.”<br/><br/>“I...hey, you were dead,” Mouse squeaked. “It was perfectly legal to sell a VI of you.”<br/><br/>“You made money using my likeness. I think I deserve some of the profits, don’t you think?” she asked, her tone fill of threat.</p><p>“Uh, yeah sure. How about I transfer some money to you right now?” Mouse was eager to have it done, but then Shepard surprised them both.</p><p>“And I want a copy,” she said.<br/><br/>“Oh, uh, sure. I’ll send it to your omnitool now. B-but you should know that it’s updated every three days by volus hackers. I-I don’t have control over it anymore.”<br/><br/>Her own omnitool glowed as she received it.<br/><br/>“Thanks,” she told him. Then her expression grew stern. “It had better not say anything I don’t like. Or you might hear from me again.”<br/><br/>Thane heard Mouse gulp before he skittered away. Once they had been left alone, he had wondered what she would say about what she had just discovered. Would she again thrash him for paying children for intel? Putting them in danger for his own selfish goals? Those had been his tactics—his choices. He had not cared, at the time. Blindly, he had cared about no one other that his own family.<br/><br/>“Nice kid,” she said sarcastically, turning to him. “Mouse seems fond of you.”<br/><br/>Perhaps she had decided that he had not been so terrible after all. He had not hated the children; he hadn’t wanted them dead by any means. But he also could not say that he’d had feelings for them. They were merely...tools at his disposal. He understood now that it was not how things should have been.<br/><br/>“Mouse knew more about my life than Kolyat ever did,” he confessed. “I was all he had back then. But I left him, as I left Kolyat. Only now do I realize my fault.”<br/><br/>She regarded him a moment, silently, and whatever she thought of saying, she held it back. Maybe she had finally decided that there was truly nothing to say.</p><p>“Come on. Let’s keep moving,” she instructed. He agreed. There was no point to getting lost in his despair.</p><p>They were chasing a name.<br/><br/>Elias Kelham. Thane was familiar, but the human had been small-time back when he was on the Citadel ten years ago. Data-running, drug trafficking. Small offenses. Now it seemed he had much greater sway—more lackeys answering to him.<br/><br/>Still, to Thane, he was nothing. He was just another roadblock in his way to stopping his son.<br/><br/>Bailey had helped them by arresting Kelham and putting him into an interrogation room, but the captain had decided to stay out of it—pretend he had no part in the arrest. He and Kelham had made some deals that he could not violate, but Thane and Shepard had been given free rein to talk to him.<br/><br/>The man had not been…<em>agreeable</em>.<br/><br/>“What is this?” Kelham had insisted, refusing to believe that C-Sec had the gall to cross him. “What do you assholes want? And what are you, frog-boy? You just come to croak at me? Save it.”<br/><br/>Words from this one could not hurt him, but Thane felt his fingers twitch. He knew he could not act, however. He needed a name more than he needed a corpse.<br/><br/>“I’m going to ask you a question, Kelham,” Shepard said, standing behind the chair that the man was latched to. “I want an answer the first time. You hired someone for an assassination. Who’s the target?”<br/><br/>“What’s your deal anyway, sweetheart? You like licking toads? That what it is between you and your partner here?”<br/><br/>Shepard’s hand smacked the back of Kelham’s head, more of a warning of what was to come if he didn’t cooperate. Maybe for irritation over what he had said.<br/><br/>“Mr. Kelham, I don’t believe you were listening,” she said. Her voice had taken on a softer quality, darkly seductive, but threatening.<br/><br/>“Oh, I’ve got your job, bitch.” He sounded so certain. “Keep going. You might hand me your money too.”<br/><br/>Thane, more than his own emotions, didn’t like how she was disrespected, but again he had stilled himself. Shepard could handle this matter on her own.<br/><br/><em>The name. Only the name matters.</em><br/><br/>“Let’s try this again.” She leaned over Kelham in the chair, her face close to his. “My name’s Shepard. I’m a <em>Spectre</em>.”<br/><br/>Ah yes. Thane had not considered playing that card. It was brilliant on her part.<br/><br/>“Prove it,” Kelham spat, but he looked nervous, his eyes darting. They had him.<br/><br/>She flashed her gun then, putting it to the man’s cheek, making sure he could see it and feel it the same. She certainly did not appear to be bluffing, and for a moment, Thane himself wondered.<br/><br/>“I don’t have to prove a thing to you. Spectres are above the law. We clear?”<br/><br/>That...had sent a shiver down Thane’s spine. Not unpleasant. If he hadn’t been so worried about getting this information, he might have entertained it more.<br/><br/>“Crystal,” Kelham said, but not before he had gulped audibly.<br/><br/>“Good. Now give me a name—before I cut your balls off and sell them to a Krogan.”<br/><br/>Too much? Perhaps. But Kelham broke. The target’s name was <em>Joram Talid</em>. This was their third name on this night, one more step along the way. Kelham had squeaked like Mouse when he’d said it.<br/><br/>“You won’t see us again,” Shepard promised, putting her gun away. “No offense, but you’re a problem <em>below </em>my pay grade.”<br/><br/>Thane had followed her from the room, much in awe of her skill. He did not make a habit of speaking to targets. There was no threatening to be done at the point he reached them, though he had certainly done his share in the past ten years. Shepard was a force to be reckoned with.</p><p>He felt proud to walk beside her, even if she was angry with him.<br/><br/>“That may go down in history as the shortest interrogation ever,” he commented.<br/><br/>She looked at him with a confident smile. “I told you. I get things done.”<br/><br/>He almost let himself be taken over by her power, but he urged himself to refocus. They had not seen this through the dark yet.</p><hr/><p>To stand before his son again for the first time in ten years, Thane could not readily recall the last time he had been so uneasy. He would have to search for it, but he hadn’t the drive. He was thankful that Shepard walked in front of him with confidence, because he felt he had lost his. Part of him was afraid to see how this would play out for Kolyat, for if the worst should happen, he would be cursed to relive it forever.</p><p>To see his grown son, a contradiction to his last memory of the boy, standing with a gun to the back of a turian’s head, was surreal and terrible, a horrorscape painted in dusk.</p><p>“Kolyat,” he called, his voice echoing into the spacious apartment.</p><p>The young drell, now taller than him, would not even raise his eyes, but no doubt he knew his father’s voice.</p><p>“T-this is a joke,” Kolyat stammered, staring past his gun to the back of the turian’s head. “Now? <em>Now</em> you show up?”</p><p>“Put the gun down, son.” Bailey’s voice rang out, and he was followed into the room by two other C-Sec officers. It was official business now.</p><p>Thane was now the only one standing who did not have a gun aimed at his son. He could never. He would take a bullet before he could put one in the boy that he had been so unfair to.</p><p>“Get out of my way,” Kolyat snarled in defiance. “I’m walkin’ out; he’s coming with me.”</p><p>Kolyat sounded tough, but Thane knew that he was afraid. He did not have the training that Thane did. His nerves had not been honed. Only his rage drove him.</p><p>“There will be snipers outside,” Thane tried to reason, hoping that his son could hear the subtle emotion in his voice—could hear the comforting drone that no one else in the room could hear.</p><p>“I don’t need your—”</p><p>“<em>Don’t shoot</em>!” Shepard yelled abruptly, but then startled them by firing her own shot, striking a lamp near Kolyat. It had taken a second for Thane to realize that she had been talking to the officers, preparing them so that they would not gun down his son when they heard the sound of her shot. They did not move, but Kolyat ducked down, startled. Shepard took the opportunity to move in, snatching Kolyat’s gun with one hand and slapping him across the face with the other, palm open. Kolyat put a hand to his scalding face, looking shocked, but subdued.</p><p>As soon as Kolyat was disarmed, Thane felt his chest relax. His son would not kill anyone, and there would be no reason for anyone to kill <em>him</em>.</p><p>This had gone…better than he had hoped. There were so many possibilities for how this could have gone badly.</p><p>They spoke then. He made his confession. He saw the tears in his son’s eyes when he had spoken of Irikah’s death—how she had died because of him. Thane had spoken of how he had left Kolyat to go after her killers, how he hurt them—<em>tortured them</em>—and eventually killed them. Kolyat had seemed surprised at that, and when Thane had moved to comfort him, his son had not pulled away.</p><p>“This isn’t a conversation you should have in front of strangers,” Bailey said finally, interrupting. “Take Kolyat and his father back to the precinct. Put them in a room and give them some time.”</p><p>It had only then occurred to Thane that he had said all of that not only to Kolyat, but in front of Shepard. He would have to explain himself to her later, but he felt peace inside of him now. He had stopped his son from making a terrible mistake. He was free to confess the rest to her.</p><p>Thane had watched the officers take his son away, and though his heart was heavy, he had not forgotten about Shepard. He felt her presence as she stepped up beside him.</p><p>“You okay?” she asked. He thought he felt her touch on his elbow for only a moment, but then it had fallen away.</p><p>“I was fearing the worst,” he confided, “but he is alive. This is perhaps not the best outcome, but it is a relief to me. Thank you for your help, Shepard.”</p><p>“Of course,” she said. “You should go talk to your son like Bailey said. Take all the time you need. The ship will be waiting.”</p><p>He nodded more thanks to her and they left the apartment, leaving the C-Sec officers to their work there.</p><p>As they walked back to the station in silence, Thane pondered many things. He did not deserve his son’s forgiveness, but he would seek it, just as Thane had sought it from Irikah. Eventually, he had received it from her, and he could only hope for the same.</p><p>And Shepard… He did not deserve her compassion.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Like Father; Like Son</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The room was small and cramped. Thane had never once been in an interrogation room himself, unless one counted Cerberus, but he had not been forced into their company. He had always taken pride in the way he was able to slip away from law officials, but a different circumstance brought him here now.</p><p>He sat across from Kolyat—his grown son that he had not seen in years—and there was a very different atmosphere to this meeting than when he sat across the table from Shepard.</p><p>Kolyat stared at him, one hand cuffed to the table. This was not the ideal way their eventual meeting might have taken place, yet if not for this, Thane might never had sought his son at all. He had let him go. But now, looking at him, even with the snarl he wore, Thane saw both a new man and the same little boy he remembered.</p><p>
  <em>The hue of blue in his scales, the markings along the sides of his face… No doubt he is my son—the same boy who used to dance about carelessly, but he has become different. I never wanted that.</em>
</p><p>“Who’s that human woman with you?” Kolyat asked him, arms crossed defensively. “She looks like Commander Shepard. I’ve seen her face around.”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“You two close? You fucking her? Replacing mom?”</p><p>“She’s a friend,” Thane said firmly, ignoring the harsh language. That was all he was willing to say.</p><p>“Sure. Maybe she’s just another reason why you left us. How many others have there been?”</p><p>“Kolyat.”</p><p>“<em>What</em>?” he snapped back.</p><p>“You are angry with me. I have earned it. But do not disrespect Shepard.”</p><p>His voice remained calm, but there was a warning in it. Kolyat looked subdued for a moment, and Thane realized that despite his age and hatred, he was not fully immune to a scolding from his father.</p><p>“She hit me,” his son said, the haughtiness returning. “Forgive me for being a little pissed at her too.”</p><p>
  <em>She hit you so that I would not have to. She let me be the voice of reason, the force of good.</em>
</p><p>Thane had much to thank her for, but this conversation was not about Shepard.</p><p>“I don’t know if I can ever make things right between us, but I am offering myself to you now, my son. I will accept your barbs and answer your questions. Whatever it takes to soothe your spirit.”</p><p>For a moment, Kolyat seemed bewildered. He stared at Thane, a frown besetting his lips as they pursed and welled, threatening to spit a wave of hatred over him. Thane was ready to bear it. After a moment, however, Kolyat’s expression settled.</p><p>“There have been so many things that I’ve wanted to say to you, but right now, I’m not sure if you’re worth the breath.”</p><p>Thane accepted his torture. “That is your prerogative. But I am here now. If there is something you want to say, or something you want to ask, you should express it.”</p><p>Kolyat fell silent again, and Thane wondered if he would continue on in this fashion, holding his tongue for spite. If he did, Thane would wait until his son told him to go. Until then, he would be patient.</p><p>It did not take as long as he thought it might.</p><p>“Why didn’t you love us?” Kolyat asked bluntly.</p><p>Thane would like to say that he was surprised by the question, but he was not.</p><p>“I did love you,” Thane promised. “You and your mother both.”</p><p>“Well you were terrible at showing it,” Kolyat fired back. “Nearly all of my memories of you, you were distant. You never fully engaged with me. Everything I was—everything I learned—was because of mother. Now, everything I am is because of <em>you</em>.”</p><p>That stung, but Thane knew it was true; accepted it.</p><p>“Yes,” he agreed. “I was not a good father to you. It is no excuse, but I was separated from my own family when I was very young. When my training began, the idea of family life slipped from me. I was in my battle sleep.”</p><p>“Battle sleep? What the hell are you talking about?”</p><p>“I gave no thought to what my body was asked to do. But when I met your mother, she brought me back into the world—made me realize that I could have something for myself. I am grateful to her for that. That life with you and your mother… I wanted it, but I could never fully embrace it. Not at that time in my life.”</p><p>He explained it to Kolyat much like he had explained it to Shepard—just as he had run it through his mind so many times before.</p><p>“That’s why you were never there,” Kolyat realized.</p><p>“I did not know how to be a father to you. Once you had grown and were no longer a toddler, when I could no longer simply play with you to amuse, I began to feel lost. I feared what you would become as you grew older. And, I confess, I <em>enjoyed</em> my work. It was what I was meant to do; the only skills I had.”</p><p>“Did mother know what you were really doing?”</p><p>“Yes. I had tried to give it up for a time, but it…wasn’t working. You came along, and I knew no other way to provide for my family. She understood. Irikah knew my soul, accepted me for who I was, though it had taken time. But it was a dark path. Eventually, it swept me away again.”</p><p>He had not forgotten that they were in a C-Sec interrogation room. He kept his words vague in case they were being recorded.</p><p>“If you didn’t want to be with us, why didn’t you just give us peace back then and leave us?” Kolyat asked spitefully. “At least that would have given us some closure instead of waiting constantly for you to come back, just to ignore us before you left again.”</p><p>“Would that have been better?” Thane asked, wondering himself. To simply leave and never return, to let them think him dead, leaving them both to a life without him? It had never crossed his mind. He had wanted to keep them—a slice of normalcy all to himself. That was the selfish part in all this. Perhaps he should have let them go.</p><p>In a way, he had, but only in his own mind.</p><p>His son only shrugged. “I could have hated you a lot sooner and gotten on with things. Mom could have moved on and learned to be happy without you. Maybe she would still be alive.”</p><p>Thane was not sure that would have solved it. He had considered that as well, but it was pointless to do so.</p><p>“How did you even know to come here?” Kolyat asked, shaking his head. “I thought you were dead. That was what the recording said.”</p><p>Thane had prepared a package for him, an explanation of his work and his absence. He wanted Kolyat to know all of those things that he believed he would never be able to say to his face. He had been too ashamed to face Kolyat, but he had wanted his son to know the truth in hopes that it would bring him peace.</p><p>“There must have been a miscommunication after my last…work contract. Someone believed me dead, and you got the package. I have been absent from your life, but I…because of recent events, I felt the need to trace you. When you took this turn, I was informed.”</p><p>“So you came here to stop me?” Kolyat went on. “That supposed to prove you care all of a sudden?”</p><p>“Whether or not you wish to take it that way is up to you. I have never wanted you to walk this path. I wanted you to have a normal life. I had hoped that by taking myself away from you, you could have that. I needed to…take care of other things.”</p><p>“So you said.”</p><p>Silence grew between them again, and Thane urged himself to remain patient and calm. He had already been afforded more than he could have hoped, just to be sitting here with his son now.</p><p>“So you’re not dead, but you’re dying,” Kolyat nearly spat. “You have Kepral’s, I guess.”</p><p>“Yes. After what happened to your mother, I was overcome with guilt. I no longer cared about my own life. Call it penance. I did not take precautions, and this is the result.”</p><p>“How long do you have then?”</p><p>“It is uncertain. Perhaps a year,” Thane suggested. “Though the mission I have currently set myself to might see it shorter than that. We are set to face the Collectors. We will be travelling through the Omega 4 relay.”</p><p>“That’s suicide,” Kolyat said, his eyes wide.</p><p>“Yes.” He could do nothing but agree.</p><p>He looked into his son’s dark eyes, wondering what the reaction would be. If Kolyat had looked at him squarely and said ‘good’, Thane would have felt he deserved it.</p><p>But his son did not react that way. Instead, he seemed to sink down into himself in thought.</p><p>“When will that be?” he asked instead.</p><p>“Some time yet. There are still preparations to be made. Months, perhaps.”</p><p>Kolyat grew quiet. He said nothing for a long while. The silence buzzed in Thane’s ears.</p><p>“What happens now?” his son asked. He had been through so much on this day. He was still in deep trouble, and Thane had unloaded more onto him. One thing he could be grateful for, however: his son was not a murderer.</p><p>“I do not know,” Thane confessed. “You will be assigned an advocate. Do not speak of the events of the day without one. I… Kolyat, I want you to know that I will not abandon you. You may contact me whenever you wish to talk, and I will visit you when I am able.”</p><p>
  <em>One must accept the consequences of one’s actions. True, even for you. But I would take your place, if I could.</em>
</p><p>He wanted to say it, but found he could not.</p><p>“I need to think about things,” Kolyat said, rubbing his eyes. Thane suspected he was holding back tears. “I don’t want to talk anymore.”</p><p>Kolyat looked away, to the side and to the floor, looking sad and angry and hopeless. Thane would do as he asked. There was no use talking to one who did not wish to listen.</p><p>“As you wish.” Thane rose from the table, paused. “I will return at a later date to check on you. If you will have me.”</p><p>Kolyat looked up, met his gaze.</p><p>“Yeah? I don’t know. We’ll see how I feel if you actually show up.”</p><p>Thane nodded. He deserved that as well.</p><p>He left the room, leaving his son behind, drowning in thought. He would thank Bailey and depart for the Normandy, where work awaited him. He could not expect them to dock here forever, waiting for him to sort out his family matters. There was no simple fix for this.</p><p>When he exited the room, he was somewhat surprised to see that Shepard was still there, waiting for him. He had not expected or intended for her to take that burden on herself, but he was glad to see her. He had just taken a beating, and her presence eased it somehow. That was why he had asked her here in the first place. He could not have done it without her.</p><p>She was standing near Bailey, and he approached them both.</p><p>“How did it go?” she asked.</p><p>“Our problems are…” He was not sure what he wanted to say. “They are not something I can fix with a few words. We’ll keep talking, see what happens.”</p><p>Had that seemed dismissive? He hoped not, but his mind was weighed down. He would talk about it with her in time, but not now.</p><p>“Your boy shot some people,” Bailey reminded him, explaining the situation. “No one I feel sorry for, but there it is.”</p><p>“We both know that if he goes through the system, he’s there for the rest of his life,” Shepard argued. “The kid wants to make a difference. He thought that’s what he was doing by taking the job. So give him community service and a <em>real</em> job.”</p><p>‘<em>Isn’t this what you do</em>?’ Kolyat had accused Thane, ‘<em>kill people who do bad things?</em>’</p><p>“I can’t just recruit the kid into C-Sec,” Bailey insisted.</p><p>“I didn’t say let him work for C-Sec. I said let him work for <em>you</em>. Give him a chance.”</p><p>Even now, Shepard had given her best effort to help his son. Her position gave her sway, he knew. Bailey seemed to respect her. Thane was grateful for her words. Perhaps they would bear fruit.</p><p>Thane considered all these events, taking measure of them, and of himself. The truth was this: he would not have been able to manage any of this without Shepard walking with him.</p><p>He had seen many faces of her tonight—her reason, her wrath, her mercy. He respected them all. He was not sure where things rested between them, but he was grateful to her. He would find a way to let her know.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Siha</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Normandy was quiet. From within his room, Thane could sometimes hear light chatter or the rattling of dishes from the mess, or people moving about in the crew quarters next door. Was it the middle of the night? It was difficult to tell on a ship in the depths of space.</p><p>Perhaps that had made it easier to detect the footsteps.</p><p>He heard a single set, and they moved closer to his room, unmistakably. It was her. Would she pass him by, or was she—</p><p>He did not want to get his hopes up, but he was holding his breath. A moment later, she had stopped in front of the door. Perhaps she was contemplating whether or not to disturb him. The lights were still on inside. Could she tell?</p><p>“Shepard,” he said, calling to her, and a moment later, the door opened.</p><p>“How did you know it was me?” she asked, lingering in the circular opening.</p><p>“You are easy to detect,” he said with a soft smile, peering back at her from the table. Beyond him, the reactor hummed.</p><p>“Is that another joke about me being loud?”</p><p>He huffed out a laugh. “I am simply…aware of you.”</p><p>She paused. She still had not come into the room fully.</p><p>“I made some tea,” she said. “Would you like some?”</p><p>He’d had some a while before, but he was warmed by the thought that she had made some for him.</p><p>“Thank you, Shepard. I would.”</p><p>“Be back in a sec.”</p><p>She disappeared for a few moments and came back with two steaming mugs. It was true: she had made one for him specifically.</p><p>“How are you?” she asked, setting a mug in front of him.<br/><br/>“I am well. I was...”<em> Just thinking of you.</em> “...I had been recording a message for Kolyat.”<br/><br/>“How are things going between you two?” she asked, sliding into the chair across from him. It had become so natural now, and he was glad to see she did not hesitate.</p><p>“He has not completely shut me out. For that, I am grateful. I have prayed that we have the time to heal more of these wounds. It is difficult,” he confessed openly, “but all things worth keeping are.”<br/><br/>She smiled ruefully at that. “I suppose that’s true.”</p><p>They settled into silence for a moment as they looked at each other, hands folded around their cups. Perhaps they were both thinking of what they wanted to say to the other, but Thane felt that the worst of it had fallen on him.</p><p>
  <em>She has seen a side to me that I had hoped to keep in secret. I suppose that eventually, all secrets are brought into the light.</em>
</p><p>“I owe you some explanations,” he assumed.<br/><br/>“You don’t have to answer to me,” she said, brushing it off, but her gaze shifted. He knew that it would bother her if he chose not to speak. He <em>wanted</em> to explain himself.</p><p><em>I do, siha. It is why you are here.</em><br/><br/>“I wonder if you’ve now seen a side to my life that changes your opinion of me.”<br/><br/>“I think my opinion of you is always changing, Thane,” she said thoughtfully. “But I don’t think less of you. We all have our skeletons.”<br/><br/>An odd saying. But he thought he knew what she meant.<br/><br/>“I suppose hearing about my wife’s death came as a surprise to you.”</p><p>
  <em>I should have told you sooner. I was weak.</em>
</p><p>“You had led me to believe you’d left her,” she reminded him.<br/><br/>“Yes... because I could not bring myself to speak the truth. But I want to tell you now. I <em>can</em> tell you now.” He took a deep breath, setting his mug on the table. “She was killed because of me. It was…batarians. Slavers who had been preying on hanar outer colonies. I had killed their leaders. They paid the Shadow Broker to find out who I was. But they were afraid of me, so they went after her.”</p><p>Thane did not know what Shepard’s expression was, because he could not bring himself to look at her.</p><p>“You asked me about ‘guilt’ before. I don’t feel guilt for my contracts, no. But for her, the guilt is immense. Almost unbearable. Not only for her death, but for the life I had given her. I had begged for her to be a part of my life—to save me—and yet I could not…”</p><p>He paused, took a deep breath.</p><p>“I tried to drown the guilt in anger and revenge. As you know, that seldom works to bring peace.”</p><p>He saw how her brow was furrowed as she looked at the table. She was trying to come up with something soothing to say, but nothing was coming to her. He understood.</p><p>“It’s alright, Shepard. There’s not a verbal remedy for every situation.”</p><p>She looked up at him, eyes sorrowful, but defiant. “Well, there should be.”</p><p>“I appreciate the effort, nonetheless.” He sighed, a final note to release all that was inside him. “My memories of her are fond, especially from the beginning. They are all I have left of her. She is gone. I have released her to the sea, Shepard. Our lives have been separated, our vows broken. She is beyond me now.”</p><p>“You hope to see her again?”</p><p>“I…do not know,” he said honestly. “My mortal emotions make me doubt that I could bring myself to beg her forgiveness once more. When I go to the sea, I am not even sure she will embrace me—”</p><p>“Thane…” Her hand was on top of his, an act of sympathy, meant to bring him back to himself. He had slipped too far into despair. “Don’t say that. I’m sure… I’m sure that’s not true.”</p><p>Her face was contorted with such pity that he wanted to laugh at himself. Instead, his thoughts transferred to her. She was truly extraordinary, this siha—always concerned for others above herself, always thinking of how she might ease someone else’s pain. His burdens were heavy, but he wondered over the weight of hers, and how she carried everyone else’s upon her slight human shoulders.</p><p>He was so touched, not only by her words, but by her empathy. He turned his hand up to catch her fingers in a sign of gratitude. This was her, throwing him a lifeline.</p><p>“You are so kind, siha. So compassionate toward others. I…am privileged to know you.”</p><p>He had been speaking from his heart, and when he chanced to look at her, she seemed confused for a moment. Her touch slipped from him, retreating across the table, but only because her compassion had already touched him.</p><p>“I think my translator just glitched. What did you call me?”</p><p>He hoped she was not insulted and that he had not been too forward. His eyes quickly darted over her features, searching for the emotion behind her expression. <em>Eyebrows slightly raised, a slight curve at the corner of her mouth</em>... He did not believe she was insulted. She seemed intrigued, curious.</p><p>“Siha,” he repeated. It had slipped from his mouth in the moment, and now he wondered if his further confession would be too much for her. Perhaps later, at a different time, he could tell her what was truly in his heart. Instead, he folded his hands, wearing a knowing smile. “Someday, I’ll tell you what it means.”</p><p>She leaned back a bit, observing him with her own smile of consideration.</p><p>“You just have to keep up the intrigue, don’t you?”</p><p>A short laugh escaped his throat. “Of course. It keeps you coming back for more, I think. Where is the interest, if not for the mystery?”</p><p>He was glad that the somber moment had broken. She had effectively freed him from his despair by letting his heart bleed, as she had done before. He tended to get carried away when left to his own devices.</p><p>
  <em>Truly, she was sent to me, this siha. Her presence is a gift. I will not squander it.</em>
</p><p> “<em>See-ha</em>,” she said to herself, letting the word play across her lips to see how it tasted. “You know, I could just ask EDI to find out.”</p><p>“But you won’t,” he countered. She enjoyed the build as much as he did. She would want to hear him explain it.</p><p>She stood up, fingers dragging across the tabletop. “You’re right,” she agreed. “I’ll let you tell me when you’re ready.”</p><p>She began to step around toward the door, but paused next to him, her fingers still planted on the table. He looked up to see her peering down into his eyes, her gaze fixed. “But you better hope I like it.”</p><p>He smirked, and then she did as well, breaking her gaze and finally moving to the door. Were they whole again? He could not say. Their previous conversation was still lingering in the air, he felt, but he did not know how to rectify it. <em>I have no reason to live</em>. If she was willing to overlook it, he could as well—at least until he had figured out how he might correct it. Of that, he was not yet sure.</p><p>He owed her so much. He wondered if she could fathom it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Admiration</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I hear the drones of their voices as they offer their prayers to the gods. Holy men, full of worship. I slip away from my lessons, knowing that I will have time to return. I watch the priests but never come close. If it were my choice, perhaps I would be one of them. But it is not. I do not make my own choices. For now, I am mesmerized by their tones of praise. A pleasure of my youth. It is recreation to me.</em>
</p>
<p>Thane felt a song brewing in his own throat, one not many would have heard. It was a hymn he had learned in his youth from the time he was able to steal away, watching the drell priests. Now, in his adult life, he envied the contentment that the priests must have felt—to have the favor of the gods, to be without sin.</p>
<p>Thane would not know what that was like in life. Perhaps, if he was granted forgiveness, he would know true peace once he had reached the sea.</p>
<p>Thane awoke from his meditations to the sound of the console on the table near him. He left his memories in order to view the screen, noting the new message.</p>
<p>It was from Kolyat. He read over it immediately.</p>
<p>‘<em>Hey</em>’, his son wrote. He did not call him ‘father’. He did not call him anything. ‘<em>I just wanted you to know that Bailey was able to pull some strings, and has taken personal responsibility for me. I’m essentially under house arrest, but it’s better than being in prison. I just thought I’d let you know that. I’ve been thinking about what you said, about talking, and I’m not sure yet. But maybe. Take care of yourself.</em>’</p>
<p>His son had reached out to him. It was a small step, but it was a step. Thane accepted it for what it was. It was not an outpouring of forgiveness, but he could not expect that. He would be patient and present as he could. That was all he could do.</p>
<p>Thane had been left feeling <em>pleased</em>. The song in his throat grew stronger.<br/><br/>He had the distinct urge to tell Shepard about the contact, but the more he thought on it, he was not sure what he would say. She likely would not find the news of to be as uplifting as he had. After considering, he decided against rushing off to tell her. If he had the occasion, perhaps he would.<br/><br/>But he could not quite sit still, either. He decided to take a walk around the Normandy for some light exercise. He did not normally consider himself restless or jittery, but he felt that creeping in now. He felt excitement and nerves all at once.<br/><br/>Thane wandered around the ship, his walk eventually leading him to the armory—a familiar place. He did not have his guns with him, but he thought he might browse the inventory to see if there was anything new that caught his interest. If one thing could be said about Cerberus, it was that they were very generous with their funds where the mission was involved.</p>
<p>The circular entry parted silently and Thane stepped inside. The room appeared to be empty, until—</p>
<p>“That doesn’t feel right…”</p>
<p>Shepard’s voice drew his attention and made his heart pulse. She was here? He could not see her beyond a slight partition that divided the room, but doubtless she was not alone. Her voice indicated as much.</p>
<p>“If you’d be still then maybe I could get a better angle.”</p>
<p>Thane wasn’t sure how he felt when he heard Taylor’s voice respond to her from around the corner. He knew she associated with everyone on the Normandy, but their conversation seemed…curious.</p>
<p>“I’m just trying to make it fit,” she complained.</p>
<p>“I’m telling you, just be still and let me work.”</p>
<p>Shepard made a sound that sounded like a wince. “No, still not working for me.”</p>
<p>Thane felt he should turn away, but he could not help himself. He wanted to know what he had walked in on. He would remain undetected.</p>
<p>He stepped forward silently, peering around the corner. He saw Shepard and Taylor standing together, both extremely interested in the chest plate that Shepard was wearing. Shepard looked mildly uncomfortable and irritated.</p>
<p>“Here, let me take a look,” Taylor said. He steadied her while one hand felt along the side of the armor.</p>
<p>Thane knew that this was a platonic interaction, but he did not like that Taylor’s hands were on her.</p>
<p>
  <em>If she consents, I should not care. No, I should not…</em>
</p>
<p>“I see the problem now,” Jacob said. “This latch is too short. It’s digging in. Take it off and I’ll take care of you.”</p>
<p>Shepard gave him a strange look, as if Taylor had not heard the words that had just come out of his mouth.</p>
<p>“I mean, not right now, obviously,” Taylor backtracked. “And not ‘take care of <em>you</em>’ so much as the armor.”</p>
<p>He was sweating. Clearly, Shepard made him nervous.</p>
<p>“You oughta think before you say things,” Shepard teased lightly, turning her attention back to her armor.</p>
<p>“You…make that kinda hard sometimes, Shepard,” Taylor said.</p>
<p>Thane turned away, having seen enough. He needed to take himself away from here. To anywhere else, free of this scene.</p>
<p><em>This is foolish,</em> he told himself, yet he could not quite crush his feelings of annoyance. Perhaps it was because it was Taylor, or perhaps because Thane felt the operative was openly flirting with Shepard. But he was discontented.</p>
<p>He found himself continually involved in where Shepard’s interests were, and yet he simultaneously told himself that it was none of his concern. He had made his peace that whatever would happen would happen, but he was uneasy about it. He was awake for her; he wanted her attention.</p>
<p>Though he and Taylor had never seen eye to eye, that did not mean that Shepard wouldn’t be interested in the operative. They were both humans, after all, both in top shape. It would not be a stretch to say they might be attracted to each other. And he was not sure how she operated. It was possible that she had numerous interests. Some humans were polyamorous. Some drell were as well. It was not his place to judge that.</p>
<p>
  <em>It is not my place to judge a siha.</em>
</p>
<p>Still he felt uneasy. When he was younger, he had been fiercely possessive of Irikah—even toward Kolyat at times. Once he had gained her affection, he had wanted her all for himself. He understood now that this was a folly of youth, and yet he could not help but feel…similarly.</p>
<p>Thane had found himself feeling a bit <em>aggressive</em> after that. When she came to see him later, he was inclined to be a bit more forward with his thoughts.</p>
<p>“I am glad you’ve come to visit, siha. I was hoping you would.”</p>
<p>He would not ask her about what he had seen in the armory. That would be petty and accusatory, and he did not intend to approach her with that attitude.</p>
<p>“I’m glad to see you too,” she returned with a smile. “Something on your mind?”</p>
<p>“Yes, I<em> was</em> thinking of something,” he said openly. “A complement unreturned. Shepard—before, you said you liked my stripes.”</p>
<p>She released a nervous laugh. “You remember that. Of course you do.”</p>
<p>“Of course, but I’ve been meaning to tell you: I like your…<em>spots</em>.”</p>
<p>He watched her face, and based on what he thought he saw, she was surprised, and then mildly confused. “Spots?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” he said, having no choice but to double-down. “The faint ones on your face, also on your shoulders and….”</p>
<p>
  <em>…chest. Where else do they pattern your skin? I would like to trace them, connect them, memorize them.</em>
</p>
<p>“Ah, my <em>freckles</em>,” she realized, seeming amused.</p>
<p>“Freckles,” he repeated. Perhaps he should not have called them ‘spots’. “I apologize if that offends you. Drell have many skin markings—stripes, scale variations, colors. Human skin has different tones as well, but usually it’s fairly uniform.” Once it had left his mouth, he realized it may have sounded like an insult. “It’s just that not so many humans have these…’freckles’.”</p>
<p>He hoped that he was saying it correctly. What a strange word.</p>
<p>“No, they don’t,” she admitted. “Some of us do, with varying degrees of intensity, mind you. Some people hate theirs, but mine have never bothered me. So technically, I guess, yes; some humans have <em>spots</em>. Maybe there’s not as much variation with us, but sometimes, of course, we create our own markings.”</p>
<p>She indicated her arm, where he had seen flashes of colorful designs before. He hadn’t been able to examine them as he might have liked, and could not quite seem to bring it up.</p>
<p>“Ah, yes, your tattoos,” he realized. These, he understood. He had brought them up before. He wondered if she remembered their previous conversation as he did. If not, he would forgive her.</p>
<p>
  <em>More designs on her flesh. I must know.</em>
</p>
<p>“May I see?” he asked, hoping he sounded respectful in his curiosity.</p>
<p>“Sure,” she agreed, and he thought there was a mark of pride in this.</p>
<p>Shepard turned in her chair and stretched out her arm, drawing her long hair over one shoulder so that it would not fall in the way. He tried not to stare at the flash of exposed neck that she revealed in doing so, instead being sure to direct his attention to the designs she was offering him.</p>
<p>As casually as he might, he took her arm lightly at the wrist to support it in the viewing. The touch did not seem to be awkward to her, and so he did not draw away from it.</p>
<p>He examined the shapes, the blue and orange hues. He had already liked the way they played upon her natural coloring—the pale, sometimes peachy skin, the smattering of freckles; the scars. Her flesh was interesting indeed. He thought of how he might like to map it.</p>
<p>There was a blue orb at her bicep, and he quickly understood that it was an artistic rendition of a mass effect relay, the metallic casing tracing down to her elbow. There were planets and systems and other elements of the galaxy that he did not think were mere decoration. They meant something to her. He noticed the alliance symbol within the tapestry. But there were other symbols woven into the design that he did not understand. This scene told a story—hers—but he could not interpret it.</p>
<p>“What do they mean?” he asked. “They must be significant to you.”</p>
<p>She was quiet, and when he raised his eyes, she was looking at him with a mischievous expression playing across her features.</p>
<p>“Hm. Maybe I’ll tell you. <em>Someday</em>.”</p>
<p>She was smiling triumphantly, and he realized what she had done. She was using his so-called<em> intrigue</em> against him.</p>
<p>“Well played, <em>siha</em>,” he told her, throwing the word he refused to explain back at her. She might have reacted any number of ways, but she laughed, showing those bright teeth, her eyes crinkling.</p>
<p>The prize in this game, at least, was that he might be promised at least one more private conversation with her.</p>
<p>He let her lower her arm and relax, guiding her wrist to the other side of the table. He should have let go, he supposed, but he could not bring himself to. Instead, he let his hand linger on her wrist, supporting it, and she seemed in no rush to pull away.</p>
<p>“I have others,” she said. His eye ridge lurched a fraction—involuntary. She had more? How…exciting. “Mostly small, but I have a larger one on my side.” She indicated the slope of her waist and along her ribs. “I was shot there once. It left some scarring. I wanted to cover it up.”</p>
<p>“Why?” he asked before he stopped to think.</p>
<p>“Most don’t find scars attractive,” she said with a hint of self-deprecation. “Especially not on women. But, at the same time, scars make the warrior, I guess.”</p>
<p>They watched each other. He wondered what she was thinking. He could only think of the patterns on her skin.</p>
<p>“Don’t you have any scars you wish you could erase?”</p>
<p>
  <em>Ones visible to the eye? I will show you. Just ask.</em>
</p>
<p>He found his fingers stroking her wrist, caressing the soft skin there and feeling her pulse travel beneath his fingers.</p>
<p>“I will invite you to my next physical, Shepard. All your questions will be answered.”</p>
<p>She scoffed, turned aside, and then she pulled her hand away. “That’s not what I meant.”</p>
<p>He’d meant it as a joke, but perhaps it had been too dry for her to receive it well. They still had problems with interpretation, even now.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, Shepard…”</p>
<p>“You’re always so quick to apologize,” she interrupted, crossing her arms over her chest as she leaned back. He didn’t like the pose. She seemed so far away from him, guarded now.</p>
<p>“I don’t want there to be animosity between us,” he said honestly.</p>
<p>“Seems it was <em>me</em> who offended <em>you</em>. <em>I</em> should apologize.”</p>
<p>He held up a hand to head her off. “I meant it lightly, Shepard. A miscommunication. It happens. No harm done.”</p>
<p>She took a deep breath, seemed to relax. That put him more at ease.</p>
<p>“Speaking of that,” she started. “There’s still something unsaid between us, isn’t there.”</p>
<p>
  <em>She slides her chair back from the table roughly, storms out without a word.</em>
</p>
<p>“It is…<em>forgotten</em>, Shepard,” he forced himself to say.</p>
<p>“No. Never forgotten with you,” she corrected. “Maybe not at the front of your mind, but it needs to be corrected. Unfortunately, my apology isn’t extensive, but I do have one.”</p>
<p>He waited a moment, but she said nothing more.</p>
<p>“I will hear it,” he told her.</p>
<p>“You’ve probably already figured it out,” she started, and he felt momentarily confused, “but I’ll just say this: I shouldn’t have reacted like I did. When you said you had no reason to live, it just…shook me. But it wasn’t my place to get angry. I still wish you didn’t feel that way. It seems sad to me, but maybe I just can’t think of it like you do. My mind is different from yours, after all. If that feeling is your wish—if that makes things easier for you—then I respect it. I don’t understand it, but I…respect it.”</p>
<p>At that, she fell silent.</p>
<p>“I accept your apology, siha,” he said. “I know how you feel about these things. I should not have said it in the first place.”</p>
<p>“No, no. It’s over now,” she said. “I won’t mention it again.”</p>
<p>He wondered over the truth of that, but he would believe her.</p>
<p>“Very well. It is done.”</p>
<p>“Thank you. And sorry,” she said. “I’m a little on edge lately. Maybe I just need to go hit something or…shoot something. Blow off some steam.”</p>
<p>She stood before he was ready for her to do so, and even though they had apologized, he was certain he had driven her away.</p>
<p>“Whatever you need. Perhaps it will help.”</p>
<p>“Yeah. Maybe.” She turned her head to the side, looking toward the chair she had just left. Was there something else on her mind?</p>
<p>“Want to join me?” she asked finally, and he felt his chest swell with pleasure.</p>
<p>“I would like that.”</p>
<p>She smiled back at him, and he hoped that meant she was glad to have his continued company.</p>
<p>“I promise to go easy on you,” she teased.</p>
<p>“You are too kind,” he said, falling into step with her. “And I wish you the best of luck. You will need it.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>It took a little longer for this one too. I have most of the story finished, but some of the chapters have gaps that I need to fill in. :) Thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. A Friendly Bout</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Teach me something,” Shepard requested, peeling off her jacket, revealing her black N7 tank top.</p><p>They had arrived in the shuttle bay as the site of their exercise, noting that they were alone.</p><p>Thane huffed out a laugh. “Like what?”</p><p>“Well, I’m determined to pick something up from everyone on this ship. Samara is already teaching me to meditate. I’m terrible at it, by the way, but that’s another story. So you have to teach me something else.”</p><p>“Seems I have already taught you about drell,” he said jokingly.</p><p>“I mean a <em>skill</em>,” she clarified. She pulled her hair into a messy knot at the top of her head. “I’m trying to make myself into a super-solider, you know.”</p><p>“Tricks of the trade, Shepard. You expect me to show you all my secrets?”</p><p>“I doubt you will ever do that,” she said with a smile. “You like your secrets too much.”</p><p>“I am no Shadow Broker,” he countered.</p><p>“That just means I don’t have to pay.”</p><p>She could certainly be amusing. She had a way of making him feel light. He smiled more around her. Though it could not be said that he smiled around anyone else at all.</p><p>“What if it’s something you already know?” he asked thoughtfully. “I don’t wish to insult you.”</p><p>“Then we’ll keep going until we run into something new. I’m not afraid to try new things. Are you?”</p><p>She smiled at him. He liked the way she’d said that.</p><p>“Do you trust me?” he asked.</p><p>More than for the situation, he wanted to know the answer to that. He believed that she did. He suspected that he had not given her any reason not to.</p><p>“Enough for this,” she said. “Unless you think there’s a risk of you acting on instinct and breaking my neck. Then I’ll pass.”</p><p>He laughed in the back of his throat. “I will control myself, siha. No need to worry.”</p><p>“You still haven’t told me what that means.”</p><p>“Best me, and perhaps I will tell you.”</p><p>“Okay then,” she agreed. “Back to the beginning. Teach me something.”</p><p>“Very well. Come at me, Shepard.”</p><p>He stood still and silent in his usual stance, waiting. But she did not move. She eyed him, considering.</p><p>“That’s a lot of pressure,” she said, her bright eyes wild, peering into his. Still, she did not seem to be afraid. She looked…</p><p>
  <em>Excited. I am excited as well.</em>
</p><p>“Afraid?” he taunted. It was almost a whisper. “I thought you trusted me.”</p><p>“I do,” she said, stronger now. “But I don’t really want to land on my ass after two seconds.”</p><p>“Three then,” he promised.</p><p>“You can be really cocky, you know. When you’re not brooding. So…almost never.”</p><p>“It’s a gif—”</p><p>She tried to take him off guard mid-sentence, her arm striking out toward him, her other ready to catch a counter. He saw her move as if in slow motion, calculating, acting.</p><p>
  <em>I grip her hand, spin her, pull her into the air. A hand flat against her collarbone, slams to the ground.</em>
</p><p>The gasp that flew from her throat was one of surprise and a little pain, as she tried to catch the breath that had been seized from her.</p><p>“I…didn’t really think you meant it,” she groaned. “About the three seconds…”</p><p>“It is one of the first things I learned,” he said. “Rather, it was one of the first things my master did to me, over and over again until I could not only dodge it, but perform it.”</p><p>“Your master?” she asked. Her breath was still short. He offered his hand and she took it, prying her up.</p><p>“Yes. I was trained by hanar priests. My master was a hanar. That one knew what my body should be capable of—knew what was expected of me. They honed my body into what it is.”      </p><p>She stood before him, her hands in his, close as she listened.</p><p>“Hanar have more limbs to work with, or course. Difficult to counter. I’m not sure I could count the hours I spent trying to wrestle myself free from that one’s grip.”</p><p>“What was it like? Your training.”<br/><br/>“It could be brutal at times, but it was not as harsh as what some species are inclined to. There was always an explanation of necessity. The hanar never sent me to kill for petty reasons. It was always with greater purpose. But it was not my place to question it, of course. I merely adapted to the situations they placed me in.”<br/><br/>“Are there other drell assassins then?”<br/><br/>“Of course. All younger than me now, I suspect. But I do not know them. We are isolated from each other.”<br/><br/>“Polite as the hanar may be, sounds like your training was no joke,” she commented.<br/><br/>“Yes, it was... <em>I take blow after blow, my skin splitting, my bones cracking, until I can counter, relying only on sound in the pitch darkness</em>. That one was quite demanding.”<br/><br/>She was still letting him hold her hands. He wondered if she even realized.</p><p>“That was so fast…” she said, remembering their encounter. “I barely remember what happened.” Her eyes darted as she considered, then they rose with new intensity. “Again,” she said with determination. He was pleased.</p><p>They spent the next while with her attempts, with him slamming her down again and again. He wondered if he was too rough with her, but she kept getting up, trying again. He knew she was resilient, of course. She might not stop, even when it was clear that she had no strength left.</p><p>“What was <em>your</em> training like, Shepard?” he asked, giving her a break. “The Alliance military was a choice for you. Did that affect your reception of it?”</p><p>“It could be tough at times,” she admitted. “Lots of yelling. I didn’t really like that part of it, but I knew that it was an opportunity. They were shaping me into what they needed me to be, but I was willing to let that happen in order to gain the skills to fight.” </p><p>“Yes,” he said. “I understand.”</p><p>After years of his training, he had begun to realize what great power he had been afforded. The hanar had drilled this into his mind, and his religion had kept him grounded as well. But he had to admit that for a while in his youth, he had felt the glory of that power. Even now, he knew that his body was unmatched in this regard.</p><p>Again, he tried to slam her down, but she twisted herself from beneath it, trying to turn the move on him—which she would not be able. That did not stop her though. As soon as she realized it was failing, she turned to her own methods, managing to get an arm around his neck as she latched onto him, her weight bearing him down as if to subdue him.</p><p>He did not wish to hurt her. He would not. He could have disabled her by breaking bones—so exposed without armor—but he would never. Just as she would not choke him to death. Even so, he used his natural defense, working to inflate his throat, protecting himself.</p><p>“You can’t put a…chokehold on a drell… siha.”</p><p>“Oh yeah?” she grunted, keeping her hold, her breath against his face, her body pressed against his, warm and pulsing.</p><p>Somehow, he managed to laugh. They were merely playing now, even though she intended for him to think she was serious.</p><p>He managed to flip her off of him, wrestling her to the floor. She alternated between laughing and making sounds of aggression. He could not deny how he liked it—for the vigor in him, as well as her ringing enjoyment.</p><p>“Give up,” he insisted once he had gained control of her arms.</p><p>“I don’t think so.”</p><p>She wrapped her long legs around him, cinching his hips. He felt a flush of weakness, and she acted. Her legs were strong. She flipped him over onto the mat and sat triumphantly atop him, pinning his arms to the floor. He could have gotten her off of him if he’d wished, but he let her have her victory.</p><p>He was smiling as she peered down at him. He liked the look of her there.</p><p>“Not bad, Shepard.”</p><p>“I’ve got a few tricks too,” she said, looking down at him with a fierceness that he enjoyed. She was magnificent, truly. The look of confidence on her face. A sheen of dampness on her skin, making her glow. The way her chest heaved with breath. She was a glorious angel with messy red hair and <em>freckles</em>.</p><p>They examined each other, the silence settling around them. As she looked into his eyes, her expression softened, and he watched her study his face. She looked across his features, and he found himself anticipating. What was she thinking? What would she do?</p><p>“Your throat…”</p><p>For a moment, he felt a rush of nerves. He knew what she was seeing. His throat had inflated, causing his frill to flare, creating a red ruffle of sorts along his face and neck. Was he puffed up too much? He had hoped to hide his arousal from her…but then recalled that he had inflated his throat to guard from her chokehold. No cause for alarm after all.</p><p>“It’s…” He started to explain, but she let go of his hands and slid back, eyes still on his throat. Was it too foreign to her? Was she repulsed by it?</p><p>Her fingers stretched out and he forgot to breathe, but she hesitated.</p><p>“Can I—?”</p><p>They were not prepared for an intrusion, though why they had not expected it, Thane did not know. It always seemed to happen to them. He had decided that it was orchestrated by the gods, toying with them.</p><p>He had not heard the elevator door open, but a figure rounded the corner, and there they were, Shepard straddling him, both of them slightly winded, looking compromised. Neither of them, however, looked guilty.</p><p>“Well well! So sorry to interrupt,” Kasumi cried, catching sight of them. But even so, she did not turn to leave them alone.</p><p>“Nothing to interrupt,” Shepard said, jumping up. “We were just sparring.”</p><p>She said it so nonchalantly, as if there was really nothing more to it than that. He wondered if he was the only one who’d felt anything in that moment.</p><p>“I can see that,” Kasumi said, her voice like playful chimes in the wind.</p><p>“Then you know that’s all it is,” Shepard said again, a warning in her voice.</p><p>“Of course,” Kasumi said readily. “Nothing to see here. I was just looking for something I’d left in here earlier… Ah! Here it is. Don’t mind me.”</p><p>Thane could not see what she had snatched up, but Kasumi retreated, leaving them alone once again.</p><p> But he knew the moment had been lost. The sparring match—and whatever undertones it had carried—was over.</p><hr/><p>That night, as Thane lay alone on his cot, he dreamed of a body atop his, pale and supple in the dim light. Her hands trailed up the musculature of his torso, traveling over his bare chest.  Her warmth seeped into his fingers, into the rest of him. She set him on fire.</p><p>He ran trails over her body, so intense that they might have eroded her scales. No, her <em>flesh</em>. She was soft and smooth. He heard her sigh, so musical as his hands trailed up her body, parts of it blurred because he did not know it, grasping her neck. She moaned—a soft, seductive sound. He crooned from his throat, a hymn of worship for her. He put his fingers into her soft red hair and drew her mouth to his as she worked her hips against him, her core fluid and burning as he was nestled deep inside of her…</p><p>He awoke, sharply but silent, the lingering sounds from his dream blending with the low hum of the reactor. It echoed back to him off the metal walls, reminding him of where he was, and that he was truly alone.</p><p>
  <em>A relief. Or…</em>
</p><p>Dreams like this, even memories, were not uncommon to him. Sometimes he drew them up on his own, and sometimes they assaulted him, but this one had been…different.</p><p>Shepard…was not the one he usually saw there.</p><p>He waited for his body to calm, reminding himself of his surroundings.</p><p>Perhaps it was a failing, but because drell memories were so clear, they had difficultly<em> imagining</em>. Their minds were not practiced in creating scenarios that did not already exist. They could make plans, of course, but to truly become immersed in a fantasy was rare. It took something—or someone—special to inspire that kind of thought.</p><p>There were too many factors in this, and not all were within his control. He would spend the rest of the night meditating. He might not come to any conclusions, but at least, perhaps, he would find his calm.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Alpha and Omega</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(A/N): Whew! This is a long one! And one of my favorites. Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shepard had announced that they would be, as they were able, docking for maintenance and upgrades to the Normandy. They had gotten some leads that would increase their chances of the ship surviving the journey through the Omega 4 relay, and since Cerberus was footing the bill, Shepard had decided to spare no expense.</p>
<p>Their first stop was to be Omega, to have multicore shielding installed, but because it was Omega, someone had to keep close eyes on the ship at all times. Shepard had assigned crew members to the task, but the team themselves had been released for shore leave.</p>
<p>
  <em>Omega… I have been here before years ago. Once. Once was enough. The lawlessness of the place…disorderly. Chaotic. I had been unable to find work. It seems that those on Omega see to their own business.</em>
</p>
<p>Thane had not been sure what to do. There was truly nothing at all that he wished for himself here.</p>
<p>He had heard that a group was planning to visit Afterlife, and while that didn’t sound terribly appealing to him, he supposed he could go keep an eye on things. Someone needed to be responsible. Instead of a designated driver, this group might have more need of a designated <em>sniper</em>.<br/>
<br/>
And all this especially if Shepard would be there. He would watch over the siha. That was his duty.</p>
<p>Thane had been in many clubs, but usually for the purposes of work. Irikah had persuaded him to a few in his youth, but he had never cared for that scene personally. It was loud, crowded, and he was assaulted by so many unpleasant smells which he might have been able to shut out if he were still in his battle sleep. He did, however, do some of his best hunting there. These places were dark, and most people in them were too busy with their own business—or doing their own type of hunting—that he could move about undetected.</p>
<p>He wove his way through the place, sidestepping even the most drunken of revelers, searching for signs of those that he knew.</p>
<p>
  <em>Pulsing music, disturbing my brain. Above: asari and human dancers, their lithe bodies swaying fluidly.  Below: frantic bodies twisting, muddled. Even the lights are loud here. </em>
</p>
<p>Finally, he noticed a flash of striking red hair, and moved toward it.</p>
<p>Shepard was in partial armor, a tight bodysuit of ballistic nylon. Of course, she carried a couple of her guns. One could never be too careful on Omega, even off duty. But Thane liked the way she wore it. It hugged all of her curves and muscles, leaving little to the imagination.</p>
<p>
  <em>And yet so much.</em>
</p>
<p>She caught sight of him after a moment, waving him over. Of course he went to her. It was as if she was the only person in the room.</p>
<p>“I wasn’t sure if you’d join us,” she said. Her cheeks were a bit rosy with drink already, but he was glad to see her smiling.</p>
<p>“It was either that or stay on the Normandy,” he said. “I do enough of that, I think.”</p>
<p>“Don’t we all?” She paused, drank from the cup in her hand. “Do you like clubs?”</p>
<p>“I…no.”</p>
<p>She smiled at him. “I wouldn’t have thought so. You like the quiet.”</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>“That seems in character. I can enjoy this atmosphere on occasion,” she admitted, then shrugged, “and it’s the quickest place to get a drink.”</p>
<p>She motioned to the turian bartender, calling him over. It appeared that she had just finished one, asking for another.</p>
<p>“What are you drinking?” she asked Thane.<br/>
<br/>
“Thank you, but no. I don’t drink often. I find that it hinders me.”<br/>
<br/>
“You like to be in control,” she assumed.<br/>
<br/>
“Er....yes,” he admitted, though he was not sure he could claim that lately. She was reading him so easily tonight.</p>
<p>Shepard ordered a drink for herself, then turned back to him while it was being prepared.<br/>
<br/>
“You know, some humans drink to <em>forget</em>,” she said, as if she’d just had this profound idea.<br/>
<br/>
“It doesn’t have the same effect on drell. We may lose our inhibitions, but it only makes the memories stronger.”<br/>
<br/>
“Ah.” <em>Gray eyes dancing, lips flushed, damp with liquor.</em> “Well, you can watch me drink then.”<br/>
<br/>
“I will do that,” he said with mild pleasure.</p>
<p>She claimed her drink and turned her back to the bar, looking out over the unruly crowd. After a second, she leaned into him so that she could speak without yelling. She was…very close. He could smell her hair, her skin, the tinge of alcohol on her breath.</p>
<p>“Hey, isn’t there some type of drink additive that has to do with drell?”</p>
<p>“Ah, yes. Our skin secretions can be mildly toxic to other species. It is not deadly in any capacity, but it has been known to be sold and used in drinks. It can, sometimes, cause mild psychedelic effects.”</p>
<p>“But not deadly,” she confirmed.</p>
<p>“No, not deadly.”</p>
<p>She held her glass out to him in a quick motion.</p>
<p>“Stir your finger around in it,” she insisted.</p>
<p>He laughed a little. “I think you are doing well enough on your own, Shepard.”</p>
<p>She laughed, tossing her head back, and pulled the drink back to her lips. Her neck, exposed. How he wanted to—</p>
<p>“Sorry if that was insulting,” she apologized. “It was a joke.”</p>
<p>“I understand,” he promised. <em>There is little I would not forgive you.</em></p>
<p>They were quiet for a moment while she finished that drink and ordered another. Nearby, Tali, Jack, and Kasumi were having a rather heated—and drunken—conversation about quarian versus human cocktails.</p>
<p>“Let’s walk around,” Shepard requested, and then she hooked her arm through his, as if he might escort her along. He did not mind that, glad to have been chosen by her.</p>
<p>They walked through Afterlife together, weaving through ravers who were dancing like mad beneath the flashing lights, bypassing tables where asari and human entertainers were giving lap dances to drunken spectators. Thane gave no thought to any of it. He did not care for the debauchery of others. In his mind, Shepard was content to be with him, and he was more than content to be with her, whether that meant they were in a club or on a battlefield, or sitting across from each other in Life Support.</p>
<p>He let himself think about the siha in his midst, feeling her heat seeping into his side, wishing he could have more of it—wishing he could push the heat from the other bodies away.</p>
<p>“I guess now you’ll tell me that you don’t dance, either,” she said, leaning close so that he could hear. He felt her breath on his face.<br/>
<br/>
“I am...not fond of that sort of dancing,” he admitted.<br/>
<br/>
“Really? The way you move, I guessed you’d be great at it.”<br/>
<br/>
<em>She pulls me onto the dance floor. Her hand is smooth against mine. I try to protest, but she won’t hear it. ‘I know you don’t know how. I’m going to teach you. I know you’ll catch on quickly. Come on, Thane. You have to take chances sometimes.’</em><br/>
<br/>
He snapped back from the memory, gazing at Shepard.<br/>
<br/>
“Not especially. Do you dance, Shepard?”<br/>
<br/>
“I need a few drinks in me first. That way I don’t know how much of a nightmare it is.”</p>
<p>A few drinks? She was certainly having that.<br/>
<br/>
“I’m sure it is not that bad,” he offered to placate her, though of course he had no idea.<br/>
<br/>
She laughed, tossing her head back again. She was uninhibited tonight. “That’s sweet, but just wait. It’s pretty bad.”</p>
<p>They made their way down to the lower level, which was more like an enclosed bar all its own. There were a few dancers moving along a clear platform at the top of the bar, but the area was slightly more subdued than the main part of the club. It was not any quieter, however.</p>
<p>“Shepard! This place is great!” Grunt’s deep voice rang out in their direction. He was looking eagerly up the dancers, drink in hand. “Why didn’t you bring me here sooner?”</p>
<p>Garrus was there at the bar as well, clearly getting a kick out of observing the young krogan.</p>
<p>“Heya, Shepard,” he said as they approached. “Thane.”</p>
<p>“Isn’t he too young to be drinking?” she asked the turian.</p>
<p>Garrus shrugged. “He’s a krogan. Who can tell? I thought it’d be better to keep him away from too many people. That’s why we’re down here. Don’t worry, Shepard. I got this.” He made a ‘cheers’ motion with his glass and went back to his own drinking.<br/>
<br/>
Shepard finished her drink and set her empty glass down at the bar.</p>
<p>“I’m going to get another. Sure you don’t want anything?” she asked Thane.</p>
<p>“I’ll pass, but you go ahead.”</p>
<p>She smiled at him, but stepped away. He immediately missed her warmth. It would fade from his side after a few minutes, but for now, he relished it.</p>
<p>Thane lingered nearby, but did not approach the bar with her as she indicated to the batarian bartender that she wanted yet another drink.<br/>
<br/>
Thane looked over the crowd, and found that since he had no target to scan for, all the bodies blended together in random chaos to him. The flashing lights, the booming music… This truly was an unpleasant place.<br/>
<br/>
Then, a distinct voice reached his ears.<br/>
<br/>
“Hey there, <em>Red</em>. Not safe for such a pretty woman to be drinking alone.”<br/>
<br/>
Thane glanced toward Shepard, seeing that she had been approached by a human dressed in black casual attire. He could not say much for the man’s appearance. He had never been a good judge of human attractiveness—save for her.<br/>
<br/>
“<em>Red</em>?” she questioned. “That the best you got?”<br/>
<br/>
“Just trying to break the ice,” he shrugged.</p>
<p>“What makes you think I’m here alone?” Thane heard her ask.</p>
<p>“Well whoever you’re with, you should ditch them for me. You’re kind of hot.”<br/>
<br/>
“<em>Kind of</em>?” she asked with a sneer. “That’s definitely not how you get laid, buddy.”<br/>
<br/>
Thane wondered if he should leave her to her business, but he did not want to step clear. Simultaneously, he wondered if he should assert himself, but he doubted that Shepard would find appreciation for that. Instead, he elected to observe and to still himself. He would wait.<br/>
<br/>
“Well, what <em>can</em> I do to get laid then?” the human asked.<br/>
<br/>
“Honestly? You might just have to pay someone.”<br/>
<br/>
Shepard turned her back on the man, taking a step toward Thane, catching his eye. She rolled her eyes, and he relaxed to know that she had no interest in continuing that. The batarian bartender placed a drink in front of her and she reached out to take it. She had meant for that to be the end of it, but the man was not done.</p>
<p>“I’ll pay <em>you</em> then,” he said, grabbing her arm to turn her around. Thane did not like that demand. He felt his body go rigid, begging to react. If he had been closer, he might have broken the man’s arm on instinct, but he did not have to, as he knew he would not.<br/>
<br/>
Shepard did not hesitate. She rammed her palm up into the man’s nose, and he staggered back, red blood running down his face. Her action had turned the attention, not only of Thane, but of Garrus and even Grunt, who both turned their eyes on the man. If he had wanted to retaliate against her, he would have much to deal with beforehand.</p>
<p>But yet again, they did not need to. Just as quickly, Shepard had the man by the collar and her gun to his chin.</p>
<p>“There going to be a problem, mister?” she asked. Her voice had taken on that darkly seductive quality that made Thane shiver.</p>
<p>“N-no. No ma’am,” he stammered past the blood that rolled down his lips.</p>
<p>“Good. Now <em>fuck off</em>.”</p>
<p>The man stumbled away quickly, perhaps happy that he’d not been shot. He was lucky, at least.</p>
<p>“Now I really need another drink,” Shepard muttered, reaching for the one she had ordered previously, downing it quickly.<br/>
<br/>
Thane kept his eyes on the retreating drunk until he had disappeared into the crowd. If Thane saw him again, he would remember.</p>
<p>“Hey.” She touched his arm, pulling his attention back to her. Even above the noise, her voice seemed the only thing he could hear. “Maybe you should stay closer to me,” she suggested.</p>
<p>Happiness began to swell in his chest. “Is that what you wish?”</p>
<p>“Well if you do, maybe that kind of thing won’t happen.”</p>
<p>They were standing close, and all else seemed to disappear except her. The way she looked at him… he definitely enjoyed it. Her arms began to slip around his waist, drawing her body against his. He had once told her that he did not allow himself to feel excitement, but he certainly felt it now. <em>Her body, her warmth… </em>Thane was elated for mere seconds, and then, something changed.</p>
<p>She groaned, stepped back.</p>
<p>“Shepard?”</p>
<p>“I don’t feel…”</p>
<p>She slipped out of his arms and fell limp to the floor before Thane realized he needed to catch her, but he was swift to correct, catching her head before it hit the ground. She was limp, her eyes rolling back, and he did not know what had happened.<br/>
<br/>
“<em>Shepard</em>!” Garrus was moving toward them, but Thane was caught, assaulted by a memory.</p>
<p>
  <em>She is still, an empty vessel. Not at all how I remember her. Her fire, gone. </em>
</p>
<p><em>I feel anger. I feel...nothing.</em><br/>
<br/>
He was gripping her shoulders too tightly, and then he had snapped back to himself. This was not the same instance. He did not feel <em>nothing</em>, was not shutting down. He was full of fear and dread.<br/>
<br/>
<em>A failure. I’ve failed again.</em></p>
<p>He felt for her pulse, relieved to note it immediately. Shepard was alive. He began to lift her up, to carry her if he must, but then she began to stir. She retched, turned to the side, and vomited onto the floor.<br/>
<br/>
“Gross,” Grunt commented. “Human vomit.”<br/>
<br/>
Thane might have been disgusted himself, but he had no care for that now. Instead, he had swiftly snatched her hair back. She might have been poisoned, but she was alive. There was no blood, so her organs had not been affected—yet. But she needed a doctor.<br/>
<br/>
“Shepard, I am so sorry,” Garrus started. “I should have told you. On Omega, you don’t order a drink in Afterlife if you’re <em>human</em>.”<br/>
<br/>
To Thane, it seemed like an important bit of information to have neglected, but he did not comment, focusing on Shepard. She tried to stand, and he supported her as she got to her feet.<br/>
<br/>
“What happened?” she asked. “How much did I have to drink?”</p>
<p>“I assumed someone else was getting you drinks, Shepard,” Garrus went on, apologizing profusely. “Kinda forgot you’d been dead for two years.”<br/>
<br/>
Thane searched his memory. A batarian bartender had served her the drink. Thane had not been watching him as Shepard had dealt with her undesired attention at the bar. He could have easily slipped something into it without notice. Or someone else could have.<br/>
<br/>
“Take it easy, Shepard.” Garrus warned.</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” she claimed, but when she tried to take a step, she wobbled and crashed back into Thane. He caught her against his side, supporting her weight with an arm around her waist. Her heat was more intense than usual, burning with fever. She was perspiring, her skin paler than usual.</p>
<p>Thane and Garrus took Shepard out of the club and into the alley behind, to clear them all of the stares. Grunt followed out of concern for Shepard, though he was reluctant to leave the club.</p>
<p>“We should get her to Chakwas,” Garrus said.<br/>
<br/>
“Yes, you should,” Thane expressed calmly. He knew that his face and voice were devoid of emotion, but beneath the surface, he was surging.<br/>
<br/>
Shepard might have died right in front of him. That was personal enough to call for action. Retribution. <em>Justice</em>.<br/>
<br/>
He saw Garrus pause, wondering if the turian had picked up on his insinuation.<br/>
<br/>
“Grunt, get Shepard back to the Med Bay on the Normandy. I’ll follow and radio Chakwas.”<br/>
<br/>
“I haven’t finished my drink yet,” the young krogan groaned.<br/>
<br/>
“This is important,” Garrus ordered. “Go now.”<br/>
<br/>
“Fine,” Grunt sighed, but he took control of Shepard and did as he was asked.<br/>
<br/>
Garrus waited until they were out of earshot before he turned to Thane.<br/>
<br/>
“Thoughts, Krios?”<br/>
<br/>
“Many,” he said darkly.<br/>
<br/>
<em>I feel... I have felt this feeling before. This anger. Though if I do not kill at Shepard’s behest, then it will have been my choice. The blood will be on my hands.</em></p>
<p>If Thane had caught the batarian in the act, he might have retaliated against him, as he had thought of doing to the human who’d approached Shepard. Was that truly any different that acting after the fact?</p>
<p>“That bartender… I know about him,” Garrus said. “I’d heard about humans dropping dead after one drink, but I didn’t have any leads. If so, I’m certain<em> Archangel</em> would have dealt with him. I wasn’t paying attention in there. Did you see him?”</p>
<p>“He was a batarian,” Thane said. <em>Always batarians…<br/>
</em><br/>
“Good. That’s a start. And he was just here. It’s fresh. Bastard deserves to have the same done to him,” Garrus said sternly. “Someone should certainly teach him a lesson.”<br/>
<br/>
“Yes, I agree.”</p>
<p>It seemed they were of the same mind.<br/>
<br/>
“I spent a lot of time on Omega in the last two years, and here’s what I know,” Garrus went on. “There are a few groups that have loyalty, but the common alien can be bought. It shouldn’t be too difficult to find out exactly who that bartender is. Shepard will be alright—I hope—but we probably shouldn’t trouble her with this either.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Thane agreed. She had not directed him to do this. It was personal.</p>
<p>Garrus nodded and moved to follow back to the Normandy, leaving Thane alone with his considerations. Despite her state of weakness, he knew Shepard would not be down for long. At least, he would choose to believe that. She would want to move on.<br/>
<br/>
It was time to get to work.</p>
<p>
  <em>Amonkira, guide me.</em><br/>
<br/>
</p><hr/>
<p>It had not been difficult to locate the batarian bartender, as Garrus had said. Thane had been blessed. All he had needed to do was to bribe another server, and he had what he needed. He had traced the batarian into an alley nearby where we was having a break—no doubt to distance himself from the crime he’d attempted to commit.</p>
<p>He was also not difficult to subdue.</p>
<p>Thane had him with his face against the metal wall in no time at all, arm twisted behind his back so that he could not move.<br/>
<br/>
“W-what are you doing?” the batarian stammered in a deep voice common to his race. “What do you want?”</p>
<p>“You poisoned a human woman in Afterlife tonight,” Thane told him. “And many others, I hear.”</p>
<p>“What do you care about a few humans? You’re not one of them.”</p>
<p>That was incredibly short-sighted. This one had a grudge against humans? Thane himself had plenty of reasons to have a grudge against batarians, and yet he understood that he should not blame them all.</p>
<p><em>Only the ones that are guilty.</em><br/>
<br/>
“Because I care about <em>her</em>,” Thane told him.</p>
<p>At that, the batarian laughed through his fear.<br/>
<br/>
“You goddamn pussy-licker,” the alien growled. “That’s it, isn’t it?”<br/>
<br/>
Thane was not shaken by the words. Nothing could shake him in this.</p>
<p>“In this world, so few get what they deserve. I try to right that when possible. That time is now.”</p>
<p> “You think you can threaten me? What do you plan to do?”</p>
<p>“Would you rather I let <em>her</em> come back to deal with you?” Thane asked. “You tried to kill her. I doubt she will be so forgiving.”</p>
<p>The batarian was silent, but seemed to accept that he had lost this battle.</p>
<p>“Know that I’m not going to kill you,” Thane said darkly. “Though perhaps that is what you have earned. Even so, if anything lasting happens to her because of this, I will be back for you.”</p>
<p>
  <em>This retribution is in your name, Amonkira. And Arashu, for the sake of protecting your siha. Forgive this sinner.</em>
</p>
<p>He pulled the batarian from the wall and planted him facedown against some crates nearby. Thane slammed his fist down onto the batarian’s hand, feeling the bones shatter into fragments. The alien screamed, his cries of pain drowned out by the thumping of the bass that bled out into the alley.</p><hr/>
<p>When Thane returned to the Normandy, he was not the first or the last to arrive. He did not think of the bones that he had ground to dust tonight, for it was clear of his conscience.</p>
<p>Thane took himself toward the Med Bay, and noticed that a few others had gathered there. Grunt, Tali, Garrus, and even Jack was there. Were they lingering because they had heard about Shepard? But the windows to the Med Bay were shuttered, and he could not see inside.</p>
<p>He met Garrus’ eye and gave a silent nodding motion of his head, and Garrus nodded back.</p>
<p>“How is she?” Thane asked, hands clasped behind his back as he looked toward the covered windows of the Med Bay.</p>
<p>“Really pissed off,” Garrus said, “but getting her strength back. Chakwas flushed her system. Says she’ll be fine tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“Good.” Thane was glad to hear that, though he knew that Shepard was strong. Even so, there had been a bit of fear in his heart that she would be claimed as another victim. She was merely a human, and certainly not supernatural in nature.</p>
<p>“How did it go?” Garrus asked him, keeping things vague.</p>
<p>“He won’t be using his hands to serve drinks for a while,” Thane said quietly. “He might need new ones, in fact.”</p>
<p>“Good,” Garrus said, seeming satisfied. “Serves him right.”</p>
<p>Moments later, the door to the Med Bay opened, and Shepard stormed out with purpose, though it was obvious to Thane that she was not in top condition. Her posture was not what it normally was, and she was still pale.</p>
<p>“Where are you going, Shepard?” Garrus asked, both of them stepping forward as if to block her path—as if she would allow that.</p>
<p>“I’m going after the one that poisoned me,” she said with intensity.<br/>
<br/>
“Already looked into it, Shepard,” Garrus chimed in, holding up his hands to calm her. “It was the bartender. You weren’t his only victim. Seems like someone beat you to it.”</p>
<p>She paused, looking at the turian with harsh eyes.<br/>
<br/>
“He’s dead?” she asked, full of shock.<br/>
<br/>
“No, but he won’t be poisoning any more humans. For a long time, at least.”<br/>
<br/>
She studied him for a while, then transferred her gaze to the rest of them who had gathered to watch over her. Thane kept his expression blank, as usual. Her eyes landed on him for a split second before looking away.<br/>
<br/>
“Well, that’s not suspicious at all,” she said. When none of them offered anything else, she sighed. “Too bad though. I wanted to rough him up a little myself. Oh well. At least it’s dealt with. Wish I could buy the ‘hero’ a drink.”<br/>
<br/>
“I don’t think you need any more drinks for a while, Shepard,” Garrus joked, deflecting expertly.<br/>
<br/>
“True,” she agreed, though there was hesitancy in her voice.</p>
<p>“You should rest, Shepard,” Thane offered, hoping to convince her. He watched her take a deep breath, her eyes considering him, but then Chakwas had stepped forward, catching Shepard by the arm.</p>
<p>“Slipping out when I wasn’t looking. You need to be under twenty-four hour observation, Commander,” Chakwas was telling her as she led her away, and Thane felt he was finally fully relieved.</p>
<p>He felt justified.</p><hr/>
<p>The next day passed with the Normandy docked at Omega as the upgrades were being finished. Most of the crew had come back on board, and Thane had certainly had enough of this place. Shepard remained in the Med Bay for 24 hours, but she was not locked down. Visitors came to and fro to speak with her. Chakwas merely wanted to be close in case an extreme circumstance came up. Thane frequented the mess so that he would know if anything happened. As the hours passed, however, Shepard continued to improve, and Chakwas finally released her.</p>
<p>He was content with that, and was finally able to go on about his business with ease. He could focus on his meditations again, putting the rest from his mind. Guilt? No, there was no guilt.<br/>
<br/>
He was not sure how long he had been sitting alone before the chime at his door sounded, and Shepard let herself into the room.<br/>
<br/>
He knew it was her without seeing her, as he always did. She came inside, but this time, she didn’t say a word as she sat down across from him. She stared at him for a moment in silence, and he merely watched her in return.<br/>
<br/>
“I want to ask you something,” she said finally, her voice calm but serious.<br/>
<br/>
“Of course.”<br/>
<br/>
“That batarian bartender... You have something to do with that?”<br/>
<br/>
“Yes,” he admitted quickly. He would not lie to her, now that she had asked him directly.</p>
<p>She seemed surprised. Perhaps she had not expected him to admit it so readily. That was not what she had prepared for.</p>
<p>“What did you do to him?”</p>
<p>“I shattered his hands,” Thane said easily. “Punishment for what he chose to do with them. It was swift. Not torture. Though the healing will be extensive.”</p>
<p>He wondered if that pleased or disturbed her.<br/>
<br/>
“Why did you take that on yourself?” she asked, nearly scolding him. “I can handle my own business.”<br/>
<br/>
She did not yell, but he could sense the heat behind her words.<br/>
<br/>
“I know this, Shepard. I know you are capable. But it felt <em>personal</em>.”<br/>
<br/>
“It was personal for <em>me</em>,” she corrected.<br/>
<br/>
“Yes, I know. But I was with you. I… <em>She smiles, leans close. Her hands glide along my body, embracing me. I feel…warm. Then, her expression fails; she steps away. ‘I don’t feel…’ She falls. I barely catch her before she hits the floor. For a moment, I think the worst. Yet again, I have failed.</em>” He paused, pulling himself from the memory, gaining control. “He attacked you. You could not retaliate. I acted in your stead.”<br/>
<br/>
<em>As your weapon. I told you that is what I would do.</em></p>
<p>Shepard watched him. He wondered what she was thinking—and whether or not she would say it. They had been growing closer in a way he very much enjoyed. He hoped he had not ruined it.</p>
<p>“I’m not upset about what you did,” she said finally. “He deserved it. I just wish I’d known. I feel like you acted behind my back.”<br/>
<br/>
“You weren’t well,” he reminded her. “Do you not expect that if something worse had happened to you, that there would not be those among us who would take it upon ourselves to make things right?”<br/>
<br/>
Shepard considered that.<br/>
<br/>
“And would you not seek retribution for one of <em>us</em>?” he asked.<br/>
<br/>
“Absolutely,” she said without hesitation. “I just… I don’t want you to feel like there’s more blood on your hands. I know how that bothers you.”<br/>
<br/>
Was that what this was about? She was thinking of how his own conscience might be bothered?<br/>
<br/>
“I have asked forgiveness, and in a way, feel that my actions honored the gods,” he said. “I do not regret my actions.”<br/>
<br/>
She nodded, looking at the table. “Who else was involved in this? Or was it just you?”<br/>
<br/>
“I can’t say.”<br/>
<br/>
“Can’t or won’t?”<br/>
<br/>
Thane was silent. He did not want to keep it from her, but he also felt he had a loyalty to Garrus over it. If she had pressed him, he would have revealed it, but perhaps she would not.<br/>
<br/>
“Well, then, thank you for...taking it personally. At least he won’t be doing that to anyone else.”<br/>
<br/>
“Of course, Shepard. And I will consult you in the future. When possible.”<br/>
<br/>
They were silent, and he could not help feeling that it was awkward. He wanted her thoughts, wanted to ask her for them. Sometimes, he felt that she was more secretive than he was. But before he got the chance…</p>
<p>“I should go.”<br/>
<br/>
She rose to leave, but he stood up before her, blocking her path.<br/>
<br/>
“Are you truly not upset with me, Shepard? I would not like it if you were.”</p>
<p>Her expression softened as she regarded him. “No. You did what you felt you needed to. We’re good. As long as you are.”<br/>
<br/>
“I am,” he told her again. “I rest easier knowing that I halted a deplorable practice—and that you are well.”<br/>
<br/>
<em>I did it because I was stirred by you. I am awake. I could not ignore that act toward you, siha.</em><br/>
<br/>
She touched his arm, and his interest was caught, but then her touch fell away. She did not seem to know what to do with it.<br/>
<br/>
“I’ll talk to you later,” she promised. And at that, she left.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>(A/N): Even though I really like this chapter, I struggled with it in a way, because I couldn’t quite decide how Thane would react to what the bartender did. I couldn’t decide whether Thane would hurt him and let him live with the lesson, or whether he would consider it cleaner to kill him. I’m still not completely sure, but I went with this because it was punishment, but also mercy. It was more than the bartender deserved. Thane’s trying to change and channel Shepard a bit, and I thought it was a little more interesting. What do you guys think?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>